The Slime People

It's worthy of note (not really) that I opted not to display a poster. That's a lobby card.  I think it looks neat.  Plus, this enables me to remind precious readers of my gasconading, power-bent ways.  I might be out of control, but at least I'm not a cannibalistic humanoid underg...wait, wrong movie.  These booger fuckers do hail from cloacae.  "Cloacae" is the plural form of "cloaca," which is defined as a sewer (it also has a gross medical meaning).  Look, I know I pull this crap from time to time, but what's so offensive about getting an education?  As I was saying, the titular creatures in 1963's The Slime People rise from the shit tubes beneath your shoes.  They. Are.  Awesome.  As a matter of factual opinion, they account for most of my rating.

Let me back up a step or two.  I dig how the story starts.  The Slime People begins with the city (we're never given many details on our setting) already demolished, and we see the mucus mutants full-frame, stomping in the vicinity of the camera with spears in clammy claw.  They even have cool weapons!  We follow a pilot, a professor and his two daughters as they survey the landscape.  It becomes clear that the slime people - as they are dubbed by the characters - have built an impenetrable dome over the city.  The rampart is made of fog stone.  I mean, it was fog that turned into stone.  You see, the teratoid monstrosities have their very own fog machine (!).  It's fucking magical.  Don't know how it works, don't know how...it works. Don't know how it works.

I love fog, especially in black-and-white horror productions, so it's ironic that fog hog-ties this cob roller.  Bob.  Job.  Slob.  Correct! Usually, mist is used as icing.  Here, it's the cake, and it's smeared on the lens like petroleum jelly.  The exterior shots (mainly in the second half) are hard to watch.  I viewed this bitch on DVD, but at certain points, I felt as if I was squinching askance at a YouTube clip. Fog must have crept inside the shutter...exposure...yeah, I don't know anything about cameras.  The goddamn fog ordeal is the film's biggest drawback.  It takes away from the climax, but by and large, The Slime People is entertaining stuff.  It's fun, goofy and...

...the creature effects rock hard!  You can trust me because I have statistics on my side.  Over half of the (meager) budget was earmarked for the slimer suits.  It shows, man.  They are covered in scales and ridges and dicks.  A-ha!  I have to keep you awake.  Did I mention that they carry huge, badass spears?  Their human co-stars are alright.  The hero is played by Robert Hutton, a man who also tried his hand at directing.  Which silver screen classic of the golden age did he helm?  This one!  My favorite cast member is Les Tremayne, a veteran of all genres.  I recognized him from The Angry Red Planet and The Monster From Piedras Blancas.  He is lively as ever as a boozer who doesn't give a fuck until he's nearly impaled.

I understand that the sequel, The Suicide Squad, is hitting theaters this weekend.  Let's hope it does the original justice.

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