Blood Capsule #92

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC'S RETURN

I really hope you weren't expecting a positive review.  If you were, I am seriously worried about your mental welfare.  At this point, I'm worried about my mental welfare.  Enduring this grist-infused procession of despairing faces can and will turn a responsible member of society into an antsy, solicitous dune of jelly.  Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return is a sad movie, readers.  For the most part, the acting is dandy.  Lead cutie Natalie Ramsey almost seems like she's appearing in a credible feature, but you know her soul had to be on the brink of death.  Returning heavy John Franklin does his "diminutive demon" thing well, so what's the problem here?

We aren't given a reason to pay attention to the narrative.  Even if we did, nothing makes sense.  Nothing!  We find out the identity of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.  Who or what is He?  I don't fucking know!  Why is He so interested in cornfields?  I don't fucking know!  Why doesn't the lead cutie leave as soon as she is preternaturally carjacked by an undead vicar?  I don't fucking know!  "Vicar" might be the wrong term.  Again, I don't fucking know!  Fuck Isaac's Return.  I need a break.  I will finish this unhallowed series, but in order to stay sane, my next review will be something different.  Then I'll be back to annul this shit once and for all...!