Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

Did you know that Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror was based on a story written by - get this - Stephen King?  That's right.  Stephen fucking King.  The master of horror himself!  He probably hasn't seen this particular sequel, but that doesn't matter.  His fingerprints are...nowhere to be found.  I'll give it this much; it's sleek merchandise.  The visuals are mylar-smooth.  How the budget was stockpiled north of seven figures is anyone's best guess.  Was The Gathering actually successful?  It's neither here nor there.  The movie was made and I watched it.

The plot suggests that writer/director Ethan Wiley didn't give a fuck about anything.  Why are these children evil?  Because.  Technically, the superintendent brat, the agitator-in-chief (hmm, that wasn't as clever as I imagined), is "possessed" by a mystic, generic force in the middle of a cornfield.  Zero context.  By the way, said brat is played by Adam Wylie, no relation to Ethan.  That appellation won't ring a bell, but it's THIS kid.  Yeah.  Doesn't he look creepy and intimidating?  Son of a bitch, how did they settle on him?  Michael Cera has scared more moviegoers, and those were the squinting viewers who thought he was wearing a Michael Myers mask.

On the whole, the casting is fucking random.  We get a pair of Zappa kids (Diva and Ahmet), Alexis Arquette (pre-transition) and Eva Mendes in her first feature role.  The acting itself is wildly uneven.  To make matters tragic, Mendes stays incredibly clothed.  If we're talking characters, I didn't care for these fuckheads.  It's just a congregation of college students marooned in a small town looking for the long-lost brother of, um, Female Lead.  I'm positive that's her legal name.  No need to fact-check.  None of the components of the narrative are compelling or interesting in the slightest.  And the script is bald in terms of sustenance.  It doesn't field all of its players, and wow, I'm begging myself to come up with a vagina joke.  Sorry, me.

Two Z'Dars, which implies that I've spied worse.  I have!  Aside from the production values, there must be other saving graces.  There are!  But what are they?  Well, the running time clocks in at a merciful 83 minutes.  I didn't despise Female Lead.  She's bland, but again, I didn't despise her.  So those are two items in the "pro" column.  The gore is acceptable.  Christ, if this review were a person, it would be asleep.  My asshole itches.  Paragraph filler, paragraph filler.  I'm listening to a Christian doom/thrash band right now.  Seventh Angel.  Cool stuff all-around.  Can I stop typing?  Pleeeeeeease???