The House on Sorority Row

If 1982's The House on Sorority Row was released in 2002 (or even today), it would have been met with groans and pupils swimming to the backs of heads.  No, it wouldn't have caused orgasms.  This kind of thing is old hat.  It was certainly platitudinous in the early aughts.  But just as distance makes the heart grow fonder, time has a way of sweetening incidents and circumstances we leave behind.  Sorority Row wasn't released today, so I can attach a hospitable warmth to it that I can't attach to, say, the prostitute I murdered last night.  Don't bother sending condolences.  She had no friends or family.  Now that I think about it, she's probably in Hell.

See, the whore...oops!  I forgot which trash I was reviewing.  That's unfair; this film doesn't feel nearly as trashy as I expected.  The plot is standard fare.  A group of sorority sisters are planning a graduation bash (or whatever), but the den mother insists on pissing in the direction of their parade.  They decide to pull a prank on the battle-axe biddy.  In short, they accidentally neutralize her.  They neutralize the shit out of her.  Should they call the cops?  Where will they hide the body?  Does Vicki have a license for that gun?  Answer me!  DOES VICKI HAVE A LICENSE FOR THAT GUN?

The rest is a slasher.  I have to hand it to the effects crew.  The death sequences are brutal, even if they aren't thoroughly convincing.  Eileen Davidson (fuckin' Vicki) drops her top.  Good for her!  I find it funny that she has spent 36 years playing one character on a soap opera.  Goes to show that if you bare your delicious flesh in a "body count" flick, you are practically guaranteed stable employment for decades to come.  Director Mark Rosman succeeds in capturing splashy colors and framing smart sets at just the right angle.  If Sorority Row was a Christmas present, it would be meticulously wrapped with care.  No visible bands of Scotch tape here!

On a sidenote, the sound of a tape dispenser causes my brain to bleed.  Gah!  Sorry for the tangent.  Most of the characters are realistic, the pace is nimble, and while the "twist" is easy to decipher, the ending is somewhat tense.  Somewhat.  I enjoyed The House on Sorority Row.  That's what I'm telling you.  Look, I wasn't ejected into outer space by the force of dumbstruck bewilderment, but this is a sly shindig.  I'm not typically a slasher nut.  Nine times out of ten, a spookshow of this mold (especially from the early 80's...I'm more into the mid-to-late 80's) won't jolt my jodhpurs, so if it entertained me, it would probably entertain you.


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