EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (2001)
Y'know, I'm just now realizing that I haven't seen the original Earth vs. the Spider. That's odd, considering that I have seen the four other films in this series. What is this series? Back in the day (like, way back...VHS was still a thing), Stan Winston forged an alliance with Cinemax to produce five loving tributes to b-movies from the 1950's. Titles ranged from the execrable (Teenage Caveman) to the paper-thin (She Creature). Yeah, these weren't exactly consumer-grade affairs, but the passion is there. This is a remake in name only. The plot follows Quentin, a security guard who spends his paychecks on comic books and action figures. I can relate. In the chaos of a botched burglary, this idiot willingly injects himself with an experimental serum that turns him into an eight-legged freak. We'll call him Brundlefool.
Okay, that was a different pest, but this film clearly wants to remind you of David Cronenberg's The Fly. While the make-up effects are proficient, the meat of the script doesn't quite measure up. You would need to care about the main character for this set-up to work, and well, that doesn't happen. Dan Aykroyd receives top billing. Mm-hmm. For whatever reason, there is a subplot involving his lush of a wife. It doesn't go anywhere, though. I'm finding it difficult to fill two paragraphs on this paltry porch-climber. I wonder, do spiders get offended by incendiary slang? More to the point, would a tarantula be insulted by Earth vs. the Spider? These are questions that someone has to ask. In any event, go watch Tarantula or Eight Legged Freaks to get your "killer arachnid" fix.
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