Blood Capsule #230

This review - along with nearly 200 others - can be found in my book.  Buy it HERE!

LOVERS LANE (2000)

There should be an apostrophe in the title.  That shouldn't bother me, but it does.  I could say the same for this workaday slasher.  I should be immune to derivative "teen horror," but I'm not.  Lovers Lane is especially bothersome because it comes dangerously close to being, well, good.  A pair of lovebirds is brutally slaughtered while in mid-snoggle.  Thirteen years later, the hook-handed killer is granted a reprieve from a mental institution.  Dead bodies begin to pile up, so you'd think this would be an open-and-shut case.  And it probably should be, but we get multiple suspects tossed our way.  I'm not spoiling anything by lamenting the circuitous plot, am I?  Not that I care.  The script tries too hard to be clever.  RANDOM TRIVIA: Lovers Lane was drafted, in part, by Geof Miller.  He also wrote House IV and DeepStar Six.

There isn't much to review here.  The teenaged cast is likeable (Anna Faris plays a plucky cheerleader a full year ahead of her star-making turn in Scary Movie), but the film doesn't decide on a main character until the third act.  I was reminded of Cherry Falls, a similarly uneven fright show that subverts stereotypes.  Of course, Lovers Lane wants to be compared - favorably - to I Know What You Did Last Summer.  Eh, they're neck and neck.  I'd give the edge to Summer since it came first.  Recommended to fans of rejection.  Needs more death.

Blood Capsule #229

This review - along with nearly 200 others - can be found in my book.  Buy it HERE!

ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS (1957)

Why do I feel like I'm reviewing the same movie over and over again?  Grab your bingo card.  Attack of the Crab Monsters hits all of the notes you would expect, and to top it off, this crustacean's exoskeleton is drizzled with Roger Corman flavoring.  For the record, Corman has the same general taste and mouthfeel as orange dreamsicle shaved ice.  Now that I'm hungry, let us continue.  The "plot" serves up standard fare, but these crab monsters are clairvoyantly possessed by their victims.  I'll give b-scribe Charles B. Griffith this much; he makes dubious quasi-science sound plausible.  Looking at his track record, it's no wonder.  He also wrote 1960's Little Shop of Horrors and 1956's It Conquered the World.  When his characters discuss the effects of radioactive fallout on seafood, you believe them.

Russell Johnson (a.k.a. The Professor from Gilligan's Island) anchors the cast as an insufferably dull geologist.  Or maybe he's a seismologist.  I don't know.  I drifted from time to time, which again, could be found on my horror bingo card.  I swear, it's not my fault.  The exposition is the very definition of tedious.  On the bright side of the carapace (I'm running low on crab terminology), the deaths are quite brutal for 1957.  It's hard to believe that this is the one Corman quickie that was never given the remake treatment.  I suppose I shouldn't give anyone ideas.  Attack of the Crab Monsters is hardly mandatory viewing, but at just over an hour in length, I wouldn't call it an exasperating experience.  It falls somewhere between "okay" and "hunky-dory."

Blood Capsule #228

This review - along with nearly 200 others - can be found in my book.  Buy it HERE!

THE CAT CREATURE (1973)

I feel like I've written this review before.  Here we have yet another made-for-TV spleen-tickler, and this one involves a mummy!  Unfortunately, it's a proper mummified corpse that remains in his sarcophagus.  He wears a golden amulet around his neck, and that, dear reader, serves as our MacGuffin.  An antique appraiser is killed while assessing its worth, but who is the killer?  Could it be the all-pervasive black cat that always seems to loiter near a crime scene?  Or maybe it's Hester Black, the macabre owner of an occult boutique.  I have a feeling that you're not going to watch The Cat Creature, so I'll just tell you that it's neither.  Would you believe that the guilty party happens to be Meredith everloving Baxter?  She plays the reincarnation of Bast, an Egyptian feline goddess.

Now you're definitely going to dismiss The Cat Creature, but it's not quite as inauspicious as it sounds.  From what I remember anyway.  Look, it was late at night.  Don't give me grief.  Or guff.  Can you give guff to someone?  Oh, bother.  My memory recall is bleary, but I know that I was on board with whatever chicanery that director Curtis Harrington delivered to my doorstep.  The cast is well-equipped for the job.  Gale Sondergaard turns in a standout performance as the wraithlike Black.  John Carradine shows up to chat with a dwarf prostitute.  Apparently, Harrington included the bantam trollop (or fun-size floozy, if you prefer) as retaliation against the network* for forcing him to excise lesbian overtones from the script.  Yeah, that'll show 'em.

Overall, I feel comfortable labeling The Cat Creature as borderline forgettable.  I mean, it's fine, but it's a waste of a good mummy.

*Animal Planet, I'm assuming.

Blood Capsule #227

This review - along with nearly 200 others - can be found in my book.  Buy it HERE!

THE CURSE (1987)

I mainly watched this movie to try and figure out how it spawned three sequels.  I still have no idea, but it wasn't nearly as rotten as I was expecting.  It loses its footing in the third act, but before we get there, an apology may be in order.  Wil(l) Wheaton stars as a wide-eyed kid on the receiving end of pejorative abuse from his scripture-slinging whackjob of a father (I can understand blaming the scripture, but this guy is truly bent).  Apparently, he wasn't doing much acting, as the Star Trek alumnus recently revealed that he was abused on the set of The Curse.  The experience was so damaging, that he outright refuses to sign memorabilia relating to the film.  Yikes.  I'm sorry for halfway enjoying it?

Maybe I shouldn't apologize.  After all, there are still fans who insist that Clownhouse is acceptable entertainment.  For the record, this is not a hearty endorsement for Clownhouse.  Good God, let's change the subject.  Synopsis, save me!  A meteor crashes on a farm, and the resultant astro-sludge seeps into the town's water supply.  It isn't long before people and animals alike start acting bizarre.  If that sounds familiar, it's because this is an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's "The Colour out of Space."  You wouldn't be wrong for thinking The Curse is sorely lacking Nicolas Cage, but it compensates with an eerie atmosphere and a mostly galvanizing pace.  While I've got your ear, I'll also recommend The Curse II: The Bite.  For some ungodly reason, I own multiple copies of The Curse IV.  And that, my friend, is just unfortunate.

Blood Capsule #226

This review - along with nearly 200 others - can be found in my book.  Buy it HERE!

THE NIGHT CALLER (1965)

Disregard the generic title.  This British sci-fi import was released in the states as Blood Beast from Outer Space.  Now that is a title!  You would never know it from the candy coating, but this is a wry, imaginative film.  It certainly surpassed my expectations.  I was just in the mood for a cozy sliver of psychotronic delectation.  The storyline is deceptively simple.  When a meteorite crashes near a laboratory (it's quite convenient, really), a team of scientists examines the strange quark* and deduces that it must be a transmitter of some sort.  Their hypothesis proves to be correct.  It isn't long before the device is tied to a string of missing girls.  I know what you're thinking, and yes, the alien is from Ganymede, Jupiter's largest moon.  They're always from Ganymede.

The Night Caller has a laconic sense of humor.  Having said that, the funny stuff isn't forced.  The dialogue is tapered, and we get strong performances from our leads.  A young John Saxon stars as the central savant.  The film takes a sharp left turn at the halfway point, which very nearly gave me whiplash.  I was worried that the script wouldn't recover from such a precipitous about-face, but the sequence of events keeps the viewer guessing.  Sure, the resolution is a tiny bit anticlimactic.  I can't complain because of how much I enjoyed the journey to the resolution.  A diamond in the rough, to be sure.  Apparently, there is a colorized version available, but the crisp black-and-white photography feels right.  So check out The Night Caller.  Even Leonard Maltin liked it.

*I definitely misused that word.  Don't tell anyone.

Now Playing #15

Metal Church - Metal Church

For a metalhead, I don't listen to a ton of West Coast thrash.  I dig the usual suspects (your Metallicas, your Testaments, etc.), but by and large, it seems that I wasn't born with the recessive Bay Area gene.  And yet, I'm all about some Metal Church.  More specifically, I'm all about the first two Metal Church albums that featured David Wayne on vocals.  Don't ask me why.  It's not that I dislike the material that came later, but in my estimation, the early stuff reigns supreme.  I recently picked up the 1984 debut on CD.  It has proven to make for superlative driving music.  The riffs slam, the leads slay, and the production is surprisingly robust for an old school metal platter.  I do prefer 1986's The Dark by a (very) slim margin, but I have yet to upgrade from my cassette tape.  In due time, in due time...by the way, does anyone know how much it would cost to install a tape deck in a custom van?

Black Sites - The Promised Land?

I feel like I've said this about other albums, but this baby is definitely going to wind up on my Top 10 year-end list.  As a matter of fact, it's currently sitting in pole position (sorry, I promise that will be the only Nascar reference I type today).  This is Black Sites' fourth long player.  They hail from Chicago, and if I had to quantify their sound, I'd say they play a beefy mix of thrash and traditional heavy metal.  Closest comparison?  Eh, I guess Spirit Adrift, but they have a unique flavor.  Vocalist/guitarist Mark Sugar can actually sing, which is refreshing for a band in 2024.  The solos are guaranteed to rip out your pubic hair.  I'm loving the dual harmonies in "Dread Tomorrow" and "World on Fire."  Those are probably my favorite songs, though the 11-minute title track is worth an honorable mention.

Overall, The Promised Land? (the question mark is optional) is freakishly good.  Out of everything I've listened to since writing the last edition of Now Playing, I've spun this record the most.  Figuratively.  Forget subgenres; this is just solid metal.

And the winner is...

By random drawing, the winner of the Super Cool, Super Random Giveaway is...Kanyon Bickel!  As is customary, the winner has 48 hours to respond.  If it's a no-go, I'll contact someone else.

Thanks to all who entered!

My thoughts on Terrifier 3...

How in the hell did this film secure a wide theatrical release?  Yeah, Terrifier 2 was a surprise success, but have you seen Terrifier 3?  I have, and...yeah.  Say what you want about brazen gore (Jesus Christ, the gore), but this has to be seen as a win for the horror genre.  Doesn't it?  Maybe I'm trying to convince myself.  I did like the movie.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is the best film in the series.  It has a tighter sense of pacing, and unlike its direct predecessor, you could actually tell that there was an editor on the payroll.  Terrifier 3 hits all of its beats in two hours flat.  Now, that's still too long, but the thing was easier to digest.

The special effects are insane (dig the Tom Savini cameo).  All of the violence is extremely well-staged, even if it left me ambivalent at the end of the day.  This movie made me realize - more than any other recent horror hit - that my tastes are uniformly innocuous by comparison.  I appreciate gore, but I doubt that I'll ever watch Terrifier 3 again.  To be clear, it's a fine achievement.  The acting is low-key incredible.  I don't think it's engaging in hyperbole to suggest that Lauren LaVera may very well be this generation's Jamie Lee Curtis.  I'll be interested to see where her career goes from here.  Likewise, David Howard Thornton is most definitely the modern day equivalent of Robert Englund.

Ah, but how will these flicks be remembered in thirty years?  No idea.  More power to 'em.  It's been too long since a horror film has truly pissed off white bread America.  Terrifier 3 fits the bill, although your mileage may vary.  Closing thoughts?  Clint Howard rules!

Embarrassment of Witches

I recently cracked open my Tales From the Darkside set.  First impressions after zooming through the first season...man, there were a lot of duds, weren't there?  Some episodes don't make any sense whatsoever.  But - and this is a weighty "but" - the pilot is killer.  Entitled "Trick or Treat," this episode focuses on a miserable miser who gets his comeuppance in the form of a cackling witch.  It's so good.  I don't even care if the rest of the series is pure cack, although I know it isn't.  I may need to revisit Tales From the Darkside: The Movie in the near future.

PS-The contest ends in a couple days.  Jump into the fray!

Album Cover of the Whatever

The band is Aethyrick.  The music is mystical black metal.  Dig those milky midnight blues.

Random Match Alert

Cora Jade recently made her return from injury.  She looks to be entering a feud with Giulia down in NXT, but you may not know that she wrestled in AEW as Elayna Black.  It was only a couple of matches during the pandemic era.  Here, she squares off against Red Velvet.  Remember her?  It's funny to think that Tony Khan had access to both Jade and Stephanie Vaquer before fumbling the ball.  Man, AEW's women's division is a mess.  Sorry, but it's true!

My thoughts on Oreo Coke...

One bottle.  There was one bottle of Oreo Coke (Zero) left at the grocery store, and since my mom knows me pretty well, she grabbed it.  I didn't know this product existed until recently.  Vanilla Coke is my favorite drink on the planet, so this seemed like a slam dunk.  The verdict?  It's...okay.  Honestly, it just tastes like really, really sweet Coke.  I do like sweet Coke, especially if it's streaming from a McDonald's soda fountain.  Take my comments with a cube of sugar, though.  Mom disagreed with me.  She tried it both with ice and straight from the bottle.  Without ice, she claims that the Oreo flavor is much stronger.  My tastebuds tell a different story.  Who knows?  I don't know how much longer we'll be seeing Oreo Coke on shelves, but I wouldn't be opposed to drinking more in the future.

At press time, I haven't eaten any of the Coke Oreos.  I have to assume that I would dig them, so it's probably a good thing that they aren't currently haunting our kitchen.

14 in 14!

Last Halloween, I did something called "7 in 7" where I posted seven Blood Capsule reviews in seven days.  This year, I'm doubling down on the madness.  That's right, folks.  Fourteen reviews in fourteen days!  Am I insane???  Yes!  If you're wondering, I won't actually have to write that many reviews because I'm pulling from my book.  Oh, you didn't know?  A few months back, I published my first book, which contains reviews that you won't find on this website - until now.  I will be writing some new ones, however (I'm using ten from the book).

14 in 14 begins October 18th!  I'll post plenty of other stuff until then, but be forewarned...I'm going to promote the hell out of this thing on social media.  It's a big deal, man.

Rain Delay

Well, I'm currently milking Wi-Fi at my aunt's house.  We have been without Internet service since Friday night-ish.  No end in sight.  Apparently, the rampant flooding in South Carolina has prevented our cable/net provider from repairing a fiber optic cable.  Thankfully, we haven't lost power.  I'm extremely grateful that we've only had to worry about losing the Internet, but still, this pretty much sucks.  I've been trying to convince myself that it's 1994.  VHS has been a life saver.  Speaking of which, I've enjoyed viewings of 1959's The Giant Behemoth and 1985's The Midnight Hour.  Good stuff.

The October announcement is still coming.  It's a project, and ideally, I'd like to have access to the Internet so I can fully commit to it.  Until then, yeah.

Blood Capsule #225

ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION (1991)

You thought that Random Sequel Month was over, didn't you?  So did I, friend.  So did I.  But when you chance upon a cheap copy of Alligator II, you pounce on it like a malnourished panther.  I recall glancing at this straight-to-video item when it aired on television back in the 90's (USA Network, methinks), but I've slept since then.  I don't think I need to tell you that the first film is a top-tier cult classic.  It's strange to consider that tawdry "nature runs amok" vehicles were not always prevalent in pop culture.  Nowadays, they are a dime a dozen, if you'll pardon the cliché.  I'm not complaining.  I dig Alligator II more than I should, although I can't justify handing out more than three Z'Dars.  The plot is anorexic.  Disembodied limbs emerge in the sewer system, so naturally, officer David Hodges assumes that a genetically altered alligator is the culprit.

No, really.  His default setting is conducive to wacky urban legends.  It doesn't take much to convince him either.  Maybe he has an Alligator poster hanging above his bed.  In 2024, this would be called a reboot.  In 1991, it was just another tepid sequel, but again, I won't begrudge The Mutation for having the audacity to exist.  The cast is chock-full of upmarket names that seem to frequent the convention circuit.*  Dee Wallace Stone is wasted in a throwaway role.  She plays a neglected wife, and man, she should have been the main character.  Richard Lynch has fun wrangling a Cajun accent.  Elsewhere, Steve Railsback goes for ham as a sleazeball real estate magnate.  Everyone is a little too talented for Alligator II: The Mutation, the alligator itself notwithstanding.  The effects are fine, but the actual creature changes in size.  Scale is always an issue.  I did enjoy the finale, which takes place at a carnival.  In my head, it's the same carnival as the one in Howling VI: The Freaks.

*I'm not trying to be derogatory.  I met Dee Wallace Stone at a convention, and I can confirm that she's an absolute sweetheart.

Baked Brotato

Random Sequel Month is almost over!  One more review to go.  I wish I could say it was a doozy.  I guess it's in the same ballpark as a doozy.  Anyway, I've been having nagging health issues for the past several days, so aside from the aforementioned review, the rest of this month might be kinda/sorta quiet.  It's nothing serious.  I'll be back soon enough with a HUGE announcement for October...!

PS-I've been playing a lot of Brotato lately.  I'm seeing purple aliens in my sleep.  Fun game.  Incredibly violent.

Blood Capsule #224

CRITTERS 4 (1992)

If New Line is the house that Freddy built, then surely the Critters franchise is responsible for its vinyl siding (or at least the gutters).  Obviously, the original stands as a fantastic "small town" creature feature, and most of the sequels are entertaining.  Most.  I'm reminded of the time I decided to tackle Ghoulies IV on a whim.  Stupid whims.  Critters 4 strains to have bits of plot connecting it to the other movies.  Bounty hunter Charlie botches a mission to preserve a pair of Crite eggs and winds up in cryostasis.  Because apparently, that happens a lot in outer space.  Anyhow, he is pinpointed by a scavenger ship and taken aboard.  You can probably fill in the rest.  I'm begging you to fill in the rest, dear reader, as I could be doing anything else right now.  Like rinsing out my eyeballs with sulfuric acid or enjoying a tall glass of...um, sulfuric acid.

The cast is just plain weird.  Angela Bassett plays a nondescript pilot, Brad Dourif plays a nondescript engineer, and Anders Hove plays an ancient vampire named Radu.  Okay, Radu is a no-show, but Hove does appear as the classless captain.  I'm assuming that everyone fired their agent posthaste.  The Critters themselves don't actually do much, although IMDb makes it a point to call attention to the fact that Critters 4 supposedly has a higher body count than any of its predecessors.  I didn't notice, and neither will you.  The death sequences are pitiful.  Still, I'd say that this flick's most egregious offense is insinuating that the Crites are being hunted down by deadlier aliens.  We never see the damn things!  On principle, Critters 4 is worse than Ghoulies IV.  That was a 1-Z'Dar slap to the face, but I'm awarding an extra half-Z'Dar for Brad Dourif.  At the end of the day, I appreciated his efforts, even if I don't remember his character.

Blood Capsule #223

THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING (1989)

If you'll indulge me for a moment (it's my site, so you have no choice), I've been on a Swamp Thing kick as of late.  I own plenty of the comic books, but for some unknown reason, Wes Craven's Swamp Thing eluded my radar for quite some time.  You'll be happy to know that I've rectified my infraction.  And just in time, too.  I fell into a VHS copy of The Return of Swamp Thing, a "fast food" property dive if ever there was one.  It's a sci-fi superhero excursion, a monster mash, and a campy comedy all rolled into one.  In terms of tone, it couldn't be any more different from its predecessor.  If I didn't know any better, I'd say that it takes place outside of DC's homespun universe.  But I do know better.  To be specific, I know that Louis Jourdan reprises his role as the nefarious Dr. Arcane.  That's funny; I could have sworn that he was straight up murdered by Swamp Thing.  Whatever.

Heather Locklear stars as Abby, Arcane's eco-friendly daughter.  Her performance won her a Razzie, but in all fairness, the film benefits from her bubbly disposition.  This thing feels a lot like The Toxic Avenger Part II or III.  If it wasn't directed by Jim Wynorski, I would probably compare it to Toxic Crusaders.  I kid, I kid...Jim stays within the circumference of a PG-13 rating.  The violence is tame, but on the upside, we get scads of creature effects.  Dr. Arcane's failed experiments could have been lifted from a Basket Case sequel.  Actually, they look better than that.  I can't believe that a major studio trusted Jim effing Wynorski with a beefy budget.  It's unfortunate that the climax comes and goes without much fanfare.  I don't want to seem ungrateful.  Return is low-key amazing.  Or maybe it's high-key competent (it's the cinematic equivalent of a functioning alcoholic).  Alas, apart from the odd fistfight, this vegan burger never lets its hair down, so to speak.

Nevermind the nitpicking.  Go out of your way to see The Return of Swamp Thing.  Recommended to fans of Bog and photosynthesis.

It's time for another contest!

Hey!  Do you want a care package full of cool stuff?  I'm talking movies (VHS or DVD, or both), magazines, comic books, other random oddities, probably candy...y'know, stuff.  If so, click HERE to enter.  All you have to do is join the Random Reviews Incorporated Fan Club on Facebook.  The winner will be chosen at random in approximately two weeks.  U.S. residents only!

Blood Capsule #222

DARKMAN II: THE RETURN OF DURANT (1995)

Technically, this counts as a rewatch.  I caught Darkman II on television as a wee lad, which is strange, given the film's release date.  It was actually shot in 1993, as was Darkman III: Die Darkman Die.  I love Sam Raimi's original.  It was a successful marriage of amusement park thrills and comic book visuals.  This sequel almost feels like a do-over, only without the winning personality and the polychromatic imagery.  Liam Neeson has been replaced with Arnold Vosloo.  And while Vosloo is Vosloo, he isn't Neeson.  Good God, and I call myself a professional writer.  What I mean is that while Vosloo gives it the old college try, he lacks a certain verve, an intangible quality that you can only find in ghost pepper fries or bacon cheeseburgers.  I was never able to warm up to this Darkman.  Oh, the synopsis.

So Camille Keaton stars as a woman beleaguered (read: raped) by backwoods rednecks.  Wait, that's I Spit on Your Grave.  I do that all the time.  Er, despite dying in a fiery helicopter crash, the nefarious Durant is somehow alive and plotting to hijack the drug trade with outlandish weapons.  No, it doesn't make sense, but at least Larry Drake agreed to reprise his role as the golf-happy, cigar-cutting heavy.  It's worth renting The Return of Durant to see the return of Durant.  He isn't omnipotent, though.  As I said earlier, this has the (un)makings of a withered version of the first film.  The action has been dialed back, and there isn't much in the way of suspense.  According to my highly reputable sources (IMDb), Raimi wanted Bruce Campbell to play Darkman in the sequels.  Man, imagine that.  The guy from Maniac Cop and Maniac Cop 2 as Darkman.  Oh, well.  Would have been nice.

Random Match Alert

I've been on a huge Bret Hart kick lately.  Of course, by "lately," I mean "my whole life."  People often daydream about what the Attitude Era would have looked like with The Hitman on board.  Think of all the potential match-ups we didn't get to see.  Thing is, we did get to see a lot of those match-ups.  Fans tend to forget that Bret wrestled Austin, Rock, and even Triple H.  He wrestled The Nose on more than one occasion.  I'm spotlighting an encounter from Bret's heel run in 1997, but they also faced each other in early '96.

Blood Capsule #221

RETURN OF THE FLY (1959)

I recently rewatched The Fly (the original, that is).  Man, what a freakin' movie.  How's that for intellectual commentary?  Somehow, I had never seen the follow-up, a true sequel that follows the events of its predecessor.  Ol' Vinnie Price returns as the distressed uncle of Phillippe Delambre, the son of the scientist who found himself caught in a teleportation chamber (or "disintegration cabinet," as it's called here) with a common housefly.  I don't need to recapitulate the whole story, but you should know that Return of the Fly isn't a simple rehash of what came before.  Phillippe shows an interest in continuing his father's research.  Price - I believe his name is Francois - is reluctant to assist the young man.  He agrees to help against his better judgment under the caveat that he will attempt to dissuade Flyboy Jr. at every step.  The project needs funding, however, and that's where conflict comes into play.

I'm being intentionally vague.  The plot consists of many moving pieces, and as long as you're on board, you'll enjoy trying to guess where the narrative is going to take these characters.  Obviously, Price is the main attraction, but I also liked Brett Halsey as the humorless and headstrong Phillippe.  The special effects are all sorts of fun.  Compared to the first Fly, we get more shots of the monster...um, monstering.  The film does feel scaled down, even though the sets have simply been repurposed.  I suppose some will see the black-and-white photography as a demotion, but those people are horribly misguided.  Flies are black anyway.  It's not like we're missing out on a spectrum wheel of fluorescent greens and pinks.  On second thought, that would be awesome.  I digress!

You can skip 1965's Curse of the Fly.  It doesn't actually have anything to do with flies, if you can imagine that.  What's next, a Halloween movie without Michael Myers???

A few thoughts on Beetlejuice Beetlejuice...

Image taken from DeviantArt.

I just got back from seeing a movie I never thought I would see in this lifetime.  Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is a big deal to people my age.  We grew up with these characters.  Actually, I have sweet memories of taping the network television premiere of Beetlejuice and watching it the next morning.  That tape contains a TV spot for Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare that scared the bejesus out of me.  In any event, I knew that B-B wouldn't let me down (call it a nerd's intuition), and I was right.  It's a modern film, but it took me right back to my childhood.  Claymation sandworms certainly helped.

Needless to say, the cast is splendid.  Michael Keaton deserves an award of some sort.  I mean, I know he won't be nominated for an Oscar, but...does Nickelodeon still have an awards show?  Give the man something.  My eyes turned into cartoon hearts as soon as I saw Winona Ryder as Lydia Deetz.  Again, awards.  Awards all over the place.  Don't get me wrong; Beetlejuice Beetlejuice isn't perfect.  A couple of subplots are given lukewarm payoffs, and I certainly wouldn't say it tops the original.  I'm thinking 4 Z'Dars.  I'm definitely buying the Blu-ray, which is high praise coming from me.

It just occurred to me that this little write-up fits wonderfully in Random Sequel Month.  By the way, I have a few more part twos lined up before I finish with a part four.  Be on the lookout!

Blood Capsule #220

NEMESIS 2: NEBULA (1995)

Is this a well-regarded franchise and I just don't know it?  There had to be some level of interest for there to be so many sequels.  Nemesis 5 was cranked out in 2017.  Why?  I mean, who was begging for an extrapolation of what was basically a low-grade Cyborg?  I rented the original years ago from an honest-to-God video store, but my memories are cloudy.  Apparently, Nebula is set in the future (of the future).  Cyborgs have won a civil war, and human rebels have turned to science for salvation.  New DNA is injected into a "volunteer."  You know what that means, don't you?  We've got a hybrid baby on our hands!  The mother is deemed a fugitive, so she is sent through a wormhole to East Africa.  Or is it Los Angeles?  Wait, I'm jumping ahead.  We cut to twenty years later - future present day, if you will.  I'm discombobulated.  Maybe a paragraph break will help me sort this out.

An automaton assassin from the future-future is sent to kill the hybrid baby, now a full-grown woman.  I'm still discombobulated.  To be perfectly honest, I only watched this flick because there is a cool robot on the cover.  It yearns to be an ultra-modern amalgamation of Predator and Terminator 2.  Personally, I would put it somewhere between Split Second and...um, Nemesis 3.  Director Albert Pyun was capable of making sci-fi cheese in his sleep, so from a technical standpoint, Nemesis 2 ticks the right boxes.  Unfortunately, the minimal use of dialogue ends up working against the film.  It's not a very stimulating sit, with or without a cool robot.  Trivia!  Nemesis 2, 3, and 4 were all intended to be one giant movie.  Egads, talk about dodging a bullet.

Rassle Inn #52

Don't look now, but Shawn Michaels is brewing a potent concoction down in NXT.  Before I go any further, I should make one thing clear.  Most of NXT sucks.  The gimmicks are cartoonish (the mafia stable is ridiculous), the writing (or whatever you want to call it) is juvenile, and the on-screen authority figures are just horrid.  Having said that, the women's roster is all kinds of stacked.  It's actually too stacked.  I couldn't sit here and name every athletic blonde who appears in the backstage segments, but as with any division, there are standouts.  Let's talk about a few of them.

I've been looking forward to Giulia's debut for several months, and man, it did not disappoint.  Can you say "star quality"?  Hell, she literally looks like a star.  She twinkles, for crying out loud!  I'm assuming that she will take the NXT Women's Championship when the show moves to CW, which would send Roxanne Perez to either Raw or Smackdown.  Roxy is another one of those standouts I mentioned earlier.  It seems like just yesterday I was watching her compete in ROH.  I'm a fan, although I hope she switches back to being a babyface after her inevitable promotion.  I'm not digging her heel promos at all.  They feel forced.  Maybe I'm overly critical.  Eh.

The last standout I wanted to highlight hasn't debuted on TV yet.  NXT has an ace up its sleeve, and her name is Stephanie Vaquer.  She wrestled on Dynamite earlier this year in a losing effort against Mercedes Mone.  I can't believe AEW let her go, seemingly without a fight.  If you haven't seen her go in the ring, she has all of the intangibles that can't be taught.  Her versus Giulia?  I'm salivating over here.  The only downside to these hot prospects is the fact that I have to watch NXT every week now.  How else am I supposed to keep track of my wrestling crushes?  Okay, I only have a crush on Vaquer.  And Giulia.  I'm sure they won't mind fighting over me.  Wheelchair on a pole match?

Yikes, I forgot about Jade.  It's an embarrassment of bitches (sorry, I had to).  Moral of the story...start paying attention to NXT, folks!

Blood Capsule #219

HOWLING VI: THE FREAKS (1991)

Ironically, I just got back from a fair.  Apart from forcing down overpriced chicken tenders, I had a blast.  Carnivals are all about vibes.  Likewise, Howling VI is all about vibes.  You'll think you're standing in line to throw darts at balloons or...something with ducks (I've never been able to wrap my head around that one).  You might be under the impression that this entire franchise is deplorable, but you would be mistaken.  While it's true that most of the sequels are a tacky mess, The Freaks is highly entertaining.  It's also kind of ballsy.  It anticipated the "versus" trend by over a decade.  Oh, you didn't know?  The storyline pits a werewolf against a vampire.  If that wasn't gnarly enough, the vampire is blue for no discernible reason.  I had no idea that the Universal Monsters could be enhanced by Crayola crayons, but here we are.

The actual plot follows a vagabond who gets roped into Harker's World of Wonders, a traveling freakshow that offers funhouse frivolity and a mime who bites the head off of a live chicken.  Hey, I'm in no position to judge.  At least he didn't pay twenty bucks for the damn thing.  Seriously, they weren't even good chicken tenders!  Alright, back on topic.  The Freaks has a secret weapon, and his name is Bruce Payne.  His performance is probably too shrewd for this movie, but that's why it works.  Trivia!  Payne starred in Warlock III: The End of Innocence.  This little carousel was written by Kevin Rock, the same bloke who wrote Warlock: The Armageddon.  Now you know.  I don't have much else to add.  I will say, our lycanthrope isn't terribly imposing.  He's outclassed.  In all fairness, who wouldn't be outclassed by a blue vampire?  Perhaps a mauve mummy.

Howling VI is dandy.  Name a better sixth installment in a series.  That isn't Jason Lives.

Random Sequel Month has begun!

"Shudder and chill?"

September, September, September...not only is it my birthday month (I turn 18* on the 28th), but it's also Random Sequel Month!  The next five - maybe six - blood capsules will be reviews of sequels that all fall somewhere under the sci-fi/horror umbrella.  I've curated a motley mix, and I'm eager to fill your eyeholes (ew) with takes on offshoots/follow-ups of all stripes.  NOTE: I won't be covering Bride of Frankenstein on account of the fact that I already did.

PS - I'll be announcing a giveaway in a couple of weeks.  Once I've taken care of Random Sequel Month, I'll announce my plans for October.  Exciting crap is in the works!

*Plus 22.  Hush, I'm in denial.

Blood Capsule #218

THE CHOOPER (1971)

So The Chooper (a.k.a. Blood Shack) was requested by a friend of mine named Paul.  Paul, I hope you're reading.  We are no longer friends.  Is it legally possible to slap a restraining order on someone's VHS collection?  I'm not sure where to start with this one.  I coined a new term while being Chooped - "aggressive boredom."  This film almost doesn't exist.  For starters, the director's cut runs for 55 minutes, as Ray Dennis Steckler was coaxed by distributors to append 15 minutes of celluloid.  They really should have been more specific because he simply tossed in random rodeo footage.  For the record, I watched the shorter version, but dear God, it was a slog.  The "plot" involves an urban legend of sorts called The Chooper, a malevolent spirit that haunts a ranch for some reason.  At one point, we see children playing musical chairs with one chair.  Yeah.

The hooded killer uses what looks like a machete.  Could this be the first slasher of all time?  There are other "body count" fixtures along the way, including a pointless shower scene.  I mean, The Chooper even predates Mario Bava's A Bay of Blood.  I don't want to wax lyrical about not-so-creative endeavors that don't deserve such praise, but facts are facts.  The only thing missing is a monologue delivered by He Who Choops.  Tragically, we get a Scooby-Doo ending that fails to capitalize on the folklore that these doltish characters have been building up for an hour.  A whole hour!  I could have watched two episodes of The Twilight Zone.  Instead, I'm simply in The Twilight Zone.  Or better yet, Unsolved Mysteries.  Robert Stack would have had a field day with The Chooper.

Ray Dennis Steckler also helmed 1964's The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.  It's just as aimless, but at least it was ribbed by Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I'm pretty sure I was ribbed on this deal.

Q&A

A few days back, I asked my Facebook peeps for questions on the following topics - horror, metal, and wrestling.  Y'know, the three branches of government.  Here's a handful of Q's I will attempt to A.

Favorite tag team?

Woah.  A tough one right out of the gate.  Actually, it's not so tough.  I wouldn't say they are the best tag team of all time, but my favorite is definitely Demolition.  Awesome ring attire, awesome entrance theme, awesome everything.

Movie you consider the scariest and why?

I don't know about the "scariest."  I don't even know what that means anymore.  However, The Nameless got under my skin.  And probably the original Martyrs, as it didn't feel like a movie.  I tend to be most disturbed by documentaries like Dear Zachary and Orozco the Embalmer.

Most underrated wrestler?

Currently, I'd have to go with Dominik Mysterio.  If you actually watch his matches, he knows how to work.

Best metal album this year so far?

Right now, Void Witch's Horripilating Presence.  Shreddy, immense death/doom.

Worst subgenre of metal?

Modern metalcore (with very few exceptions), deathcore (with no exceptions), and whatever the next generation deems as cool.  Also, NSBM, but that seems obvious.

If you were a wrestler, what would your finisher be and what would you call it?

I don't know what I'd call it, and actually, I don't know what the move itself is called.  It starts as a back suplex with your opponent facing away from you.  You tip them over (backwards) behind you, twirl around, and then DDT them.  There's a wrestler in Japan who uses it.  Of course, I can't remember his name.

Favorite b-horror movie?

Man, that's an open-ended question.  If I had to pick one, I guess Spookies.  It's perfect.

Favorite non-metal album of 2024?

What is this "non-metal" you speak of?  Um, the latest Chelsea Wolfe.  Was that a 2024 release??

Have you ever watched Black Mirror?

Yes, but it's been yeeeeeears.

That does it for now.  Knowing me, I'll do this again at some point.  Maybe on X.  The drug, not the website.

Now Playing #14

Forgotten Tomb - Nightfloating

This one kind of hit me out of nowhere.  I knew the name Forgotten Tomb, but for much of their career, the band has waded in oblique DSBM waters.  On the off-chance that you aren't a metal egghead, DSBM stands for "depressive/suicidal black metal."  It's a quaint niche.  While I do prefer melancholic music, this stuff has always been too repetitive for my liking.  There are exceptions, especially if you consider this to be a DSBM record.  I don't.  To my ears, this is blackened doom.  The kicker?  Stacks and stacks of lead guitars.  I love the harmonies that crop up in "A Chill That You Can't Taint," which is probably my recommendation pick.  You should also check out "Unsafe Spaces" and the title track.  I have a feeling that Nightfloating will appear on my year-end list.  I don't even mind the dungeon synth instrumental.

Katatonia - Last Fair Deal Gone Down

So here's a qualifier.  This is a great album, but because this column is supposed to chronicle whatever I've been spinning lately, I could have easily chosen just about any Katatonia album.  Discouraged Ones and Tonight's Decision are currently in the car, and they aren't my favorites.  That would be Dead End Kings.  Or Night is the New Day.  Point is, Katatonia is becoming one of my top bands overall.  As for Last Fair Deal, this is where they seemed to gain confidence in their chosen direction.  Aside from The Gathering, who else managed to recover from abandoning their roots in extreme metal?  They found their footing as songwriters.  Of course, they can still dish out a mean riff, as evidenced by "Chrome" and "Clean Today."  They strike a lovely balance between melody and aggression.  Y'know, like Yanni.

While it may not be my favorite platter of Katatonia crumbs (check the liner notes for information on serving size per container), it's definitely my favorite pre-The Great Cold Distance.  Today anyway.