Parts Unknown #99: Smackdown/Chamber

I think every edition of Parts Unknown should include a picture of Sunny, regardless of the column's content. Instead of a traditional review, I'm going to list random thoughts I have relating to Friday's Smackdown and tonight's Elimination Chamber. They were both underwhelming, I must say.

~ Am I hallucinating or did the crowd rally behind The Uso's? Why didn't they win? Who else will Epico and Primo feud with over the titles? The tag team scene needs storylines in addition to matches. Let The Uso's talk. I want a real rivalry between these two teams.

~ Dear fucking Allah, ANOTHER feckless affray involving Hunico and Ted DiBiase??? How do they expect to reinforce ratings when they air glorified reruns?

~ I get that Santino is over in a massive way, but...don't. Just don't. I still can't believe that he pinned Cody Rhodes (the Intercontinental goddamn Champion) and Wade Barrett (the pedagogue of false starts) on a PPV. At this point, I'm convinced that Santino will win the World Heavyweight Championship in 2012.

~ I should mention that there are aspects of the current product that I dig, but on the whole, the WWE is boring the wildberry-flavored semen out of me. Case in point, the Ambulance Match pitting perpetual tweener John Cena against Kane. First of all, this could have been an Inferno Match. Y'know, Kane's signature match that Vince has forgotten about? Secondly, what kind of main event was that? I'm a firm believer that PPV's should conclude with either epic twists or title defenses. 2012's Elimination Chamber concluded with a safe, predictable iteration of the top draw's stranglehold on the rest of the roster. No twists, no surprise appearances (this was the perfect setting for an unannounced Rock/Cena staredown), no angle advancement (where was Eve and/or Zack Ryder?), no nothing...shit.

~ Sunny is still 100% bangable.

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