The Soda Jerk Unbound: Part 2 of 6

Did you guess The Soda Jerk?  No one did!  I probably won't keep the series going beyond this six-issue run, unless I happen upon other rare, hard-to-find sodas.  Here's the thing(amajig); I found these bubbly waters at a Cracker Barrel of all places.  I mean, they usually sell sodas in glass bottles, but the last time I was there, I spotted a twat-ton of pops (this will be the only instance where I use that term, Mr. Hakari).  Without further bullshit...

MOXIE

I had never heard of the beverages that I'm spotlighting in this undead procession of editorials, but a few of them (maybe all of them) are regional favorites.  Moxie is a head-scratcher.  It's been around for a little while.  It was invented and patented in 1885 (!).  I mean, it was literally one of the first carbonated drinks commercially available in America, just beating Coca-Cola (rolled out in 1886). And it's still kicking.  It's popular among the residents of Wherever the Fuck, Midwestern State.  My question is, how?  How has it existed for 131 years?

I understand people are different.  I also understand that some (sick) fuckers enjoy bitter flavors.  My aunt tried a couple of swallows of Moxie at my behest and she couldn't stand it.  Theoretically, I have cut to the chase.  I hated Moxie.  The label refers to it as an elixir in a playful, chimerical way.  God, why didn't I see the signs?  FACTOID: This toxin was originally marketed as "nerve food."  It was sold on the strength of its medicinal properties, not unlike a panacea or a wonder drug.  The health angle was eventually dropped, but the image of looking bold and courageous?  A word became attached to it.  That's right, friends; moxy.  It's usually spelled with a "y," but that's where it came from...a shitty soda!

Now the back deck tastes like bitter root beer.

That's enough education.  More about Moxie.  It smells of root beer. The bouquet isn't offensive in the slightest, and to be perfectly honest, when this aerated birdlime first hits your tongue, it's not so bad.  That's because you haven't really tasted it yet.  The midtaste (I doubt that's English) brings with it a skerrick of bitterness.  The aftertaste...fuck, the aftertaste.  It's so bitter, I halfway expected the bottle to hand me a subpoena.  Like, dude.  My wheelchair didn't dent your sports utility vehicle.  Go fuck yourself, you cuntshark!  Um, anyway, I don't know how else to describe the notes.  It's a single note - BITTER.  Again, how has Moxie lasted for 131 years? How?????

The label is an eye-catcher.  Moxie's graphic design department is on point, I'll give them that.  I can't say I'm a fan of orange as the anchor color.  Probing their website, I kept getting the impression that this was supposed to be a traditional cola.  I don't know about you, but orange makes me think of...oranges.  Eh, I'm picking nits. The bottom line is that I wouldn't recommend Moxie to a terrorist.  I would kill a terrorist, but I wouldn't let them drink this slop.  What does that tell you?

Don't listen to this dead-eyed dick.