Lemmy? As in Motorhead? Lemmy Kilmister - late rock diety - peddled lemonade in his spare time? Former Hawkwind bassist, architect of speed metal, cynosure of the ages...lemonade vendor? Wouldn't I have heard about this? How is it that I'm the guy breaking the asthenosphere-shattering news? Well, I looked into it for five seconds and discovered that this fizzy lifting drink has nothing to do with the Lemmy that metalheads exalt. Sorry if I got anyone terribly excited. No, I'm not. "Alright, you've got me here. What's the story with this lemonade, you bowed scrap of crippled corpuscles?" It's not so much my corpuscles that are crippled; my joints are bowed, yes, but they are contracted because of fetal crowding. You see, the...
Fuck, everyone left! I don't know what kind of skit I'm trying to write here. I'm just going to slip into "normal review" mode. A mellow sweep through Lemmy Lemonade's official site reveals the company's impulse. And it explains why I wasn't crazy about their citrus soda. Yep, you heard me. The Soda Jerk Unbound isn't doing me any fucking favors, and if I go 0-6, I'll be as angry as...I am on most days. At any rape, there is a blurb that bashes lemonade "you buy at the store." Why? It doesn't taste like real, organic lemons. Y'know, the fruits that are so sour, they change your face. I get that some people can suck on those juice vesicles until the cows come home from Iraq (#GodBlessOurCattle), but I can't. A lot of human beings can't.
Lemons are only good for squeezin', teasin' and pleasin'. Ew?
I, for one, enjoy lemonade, both storebought (depends on the brand) and homemade. I prefer it sweet. When it's made well, there is nothing better than a glass of cold lemonade on a summer day. There have been successful stabs at lemonade sodas before (a certain LINK comes to mind), but you typically see lemon-lime seltzer. Ol' Lemmy...he's a lemon. The smell? Tart. The flavor? Great! Heh, I'm only kidding. I ended up drinking quite a bit, but I'm putting the blame on the popcorn I was chomping. It's too damn lemony! It's almost dry. Lemmy Lemonade exists, so I guess there is a contingent of people who slurp it down without a fuss.
I'm fine with the label, a navy blue 'neath a sunshine yellow. I always mention the label, but it means more when the soda itself isn't a jerk. Look at the bottle! That should be a refreshing drink, golldang it! What in tarnation is wrong with this world? Suddenly, I've turned into Royal Dano at the beginning of Killer Klowns From Outer Space.
No. I'm not feelin' lucky. You're probably listening to The Shaggs.