SHADOW ZONE: THE UNDEAD EXPRESS (1996)
Before I settled on "Vampire Month," I was going to call this string of reviews "Vampire Movies That No One Cares About." Too verbose, no? It would have been an accurate title, as I'm positive that no one remembers or gives a flying flapdoodle (sorry for the coarse language) about Shadow Zone, a series of books similar to Goosebumps. It was one of the more successful recapitulations of R.L. Stine's ectoderm. I know that because there were two Shadow Zone movies, both co-produced by Showtime and Hallmark. I'm honestly not sure if the other - 1997's My Teacher Ate My Homework - was released onto home video. One would think so, but I haven't been able to find a copy. You are forgiven for assuming that The Undead Express was a zombie tag team (managed by Jim Gore-nette, I'm sure). Man, that would have been awesome.
Anyway, this flick goes down like a cap full of Pepto Bismol. The taste isn't offensive, but you wouldn't rush out to buy more of it. Our storyline follows a teenager who haunts a video store...hmm, poor choice of words on my part. He isn't dead; he just likes to hang out at a video store. While that makes him somewhat likable, he's an insufferable prick to his closest friends. They don't believe him when he says that he was accosted by a well-mannered vampire at the subway station, and why would they? As it turns out, the underground transit system is littered with pale bloodsuckers. They are all subservient to Ron Silver, and I can't get over how weird that sounds. Ultimately, Shadow Zone: The Undead Express is middling, yet entirely watchable. High-grade special effects detonate whenever a vampire is exposed to sunlight.
I'm awarding an extra half-Z'Dar for a gratuitous Wes Craven cameo. Recommended to fans of turnstiles.
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