The Devil Commands

I had been wanting to see The Devil Commands for the longest time, but for whatever reason, I didn't sit down with it until last night. I'm not sure why I had such high expectations for this film. It's one of many z-pictures that Boris Karloff participated in throughout the 40's. You get the feeling that he appeared in these low-rent Universal knock-offs as an act of charity. He couldn't have done it for the films themselves. This one isn't bad. Actually, it's good. There you go; how about that for a review? Okay, I'll keep blathering.

The plot involves Dr. Blair (Karloff), a scientist who has constructed a mechanism that, when zipped up over a person's head, measures brain patterns and transcribes them as jagged lines on a canvas. It's basically a human seismograph. We are told that each individual has a unique pattern, like a snowflake or a fingerprint. Dr. Blair sees this as a breakthrough for forensic technology. His opinions change when his wife is killed in an auto accident. It occurs to him that the cutting-edge instrument could be used to communicate with the dead. Of course, he tries to convince his colleagues of his fantastic findings, but they don't believe a word of it.

Karloff gives a strong, three-dimensional performance as He Who is Commanded By the Devil. It's heartbreaking to watch his character sink into a bottomless depression. I grew attached to him and I was even able to empathize with his wife, an important player with limited screen time. Anne Revere is commanding (sorry, I had to) as a stoic, self-seeking "psychic" who fleeces vulnerable patrons with hidden speakers and rigged ghosts. I like how she bounced off of Karlofff's warm demeanor. Ultimately, the supporting cast is stuffed with throwaway roles. The film only runs for 65 minutes, so there isn't much time to spend on side characters.

The Devil Commands borrows cues from Frankenstein and The Mummy where atmosphere is concerned. Every exterior shot is cloaked in menace, and there is always a thunderstorm underfoot. As with other Karloff vehicles from this period, the whole thing feels incomplete. This is a low-budget production in the truest sense, and it's almost as if the final product is two-thirds of a better film. Where are the missing reels? I jest; The Devil Commands is worth watching on a blustery Saturday night. You'll have to raid a different decade to grab the best Karloff flicks, but his work from the 40's is certainly formidable.

While I'm on the subject, check out The Man Who Changed His Mind. Robert Z'Dar says, "Karloff kicks ass!"

Random Contest

HEY! Would you like to win a few random horror films? No problem! Send me the most random e-mail on Earth, and you'll be the (un)lucky winner of 3 randomly chosen horror titles on VHS and/or DVD! I'll pick what I deem to be the most random e-mail of the lot. Put on your anti-thinking cap. It can be anything...a link, an image, a joke, a recipe...go nuts! Here's how to enter:

Send your random e-mail to countchocula0000@yahoo.com with the heading of "RANDOM CONTEST." North American residents only! Contest ends December 25.

Fine Print: Don't expect a-movies. ;)

RRR #3: Seducer - TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

(mini-review)

It's tricky reviewing something that no one has ever heard of. You've got to do it justice, whether you like it or not. I'm torn on this one, which makes the whole process even harder. On one hand, I'm proud of the fact that a reasonably cool "power groove" band hails from North Carolina. The local stuff around here isn't very appetizing. Conversely, 1994's Trials and Tribulations (the group's last recording) is deeply flawed. The arrangements are repetitive, and the shouted vocals grate my eardrums. This is an amateurish album. I mean that in the most loving of ways, of course.

On the upside, this disc is full of calculated rhythms and riffs that are heavier than thou. There are lots of bits and pieces that work really well, but the sporadic highlights come at the expense of coherent songwriting. The songs themselves are fragmented patchworks that rattle on for too long. This isn't proggy, atmospheric music, yet all of the tracks clock in at over five minutes. It's overkill, even if parts of the whole are tightly woven. Genre-wise, Seducer specializes in Pantera-style thrash. I got a Pissing Razors vibe from several of the songs. That's definitely a compliment. By the way, whatever happened to Pissing Razors?

I haven't mentioned any specific tunes because...eh, nothing stands out. It pains me to give a mediocre rating to a local band with such promise, but I can't bang my head to promise. Great cover art, though. These guys need to get back together, shake off the rust, and write the killer record that I know they're capable of writing.

Phew!

No update today because...well, I'm freakin' tired! Tomorrow, I'm unleashing a very random contest. I hope to receive plenty of submissions (it's nothing too involved). Also, I'll be posting the third RRR. Expect more music reviews in the coming weeks, as I recently went on a killing...er, shopping spree at a badass record store. Stay tuned, dearhearts!

Random VHS cover alert!

Kreator - COMA OF SOULS

(mini-review)

I rank Kreator above Slayer and Anthrax. Personally, the mad German thrashers have hit closer to home with their brand of furious, yet melodic speed metal. I see Coma of Souls as the band's zenith. Others may side with Pleasure to Kill or Extreme Aggression, which are classics in their own right, but I prefer the mature, all-encompassing sound of this album. This is Kreator's Rust in Peace. The brutality is met with savvy songwriting, the production is heavy, and the guitar work is articulate. Coma of Souls is a crashing example of textbook thrash that will please veterans and newcomers alike.

Leadoff track "When the Sun Burns Red" sets the tone for the rest of the album. We get an acoustic intro, bruising riffs, a memorable chorus, and a stacked solo that completes the song. It's basically perfect. The title tune follows with a mid-pace stomp that cracks your ribs and steals your woman. "People of the Lie" is a live staple for a reason (love the verse riff). "World Beyond" is a two-minute fire drill that ups the ante in terms of dynamics. "Agents of Brutality" contains one of my all-time favorite Kreator solos, and believe me, it sits at the top of a long fucking list. Every lead outstrips the one before it.

Mille Petrozza exhausts himself in every department. Coma of Souls features some of his angriest vocal performances, and of course, he rips on the axe. Looking at Kreator's discography, this record is tops as far "old school" output is concerned. Overall, it's hard to say whether I prefer it or Enemy of God, which was the ultimate comeback album. Don't make me choose. They're both 5-Z'Dar affairs.

Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo

(mini-review)

There is nothing quite like a made-for-TV movie from the 70's. "Made-for-TV" wasn't a stigma back then. Rating systems weren't an issue, and writers were more adept at creating dialogue-driven stories that didn't require gore or nudity. Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo has always been a made-for-TV favorite of mine. My all-time favorite is Dark Night of the Scarecrow, but that's another review altogether. This flick concerns a shipment of coffee beans. Unbeknownst to the pilots (or the illegal immigrants in the back of the plane), the beans are infested with South American wandering spiders (a.k.a. banana spiders).

Yes, that's an actual spider, but it's not a tarantula. The title is misleading. What's funny is that the film never tries to hide the fact that the killer creepy-crawlies are not tarantulas. Whatever. This is an entertaining entry in the "killer spider" subgenre. It's no Kingdom of the Spiders, but what is? There is an element of danger to this film because they used actual spiders on the set and those fuckers were extremely venomous. Cargo has a mean streak to it. The requisite annoying child is picked off halfway through the festivities. That's what I'm talking about! I'd be lying if I said that this tingling teleplay didn't give me the heebie-jeebies. It approaches Arachnophobia in the "ew" department.

The first hour glides along at a smooth clip, but the climax is inexcusably dull. Tight acting couldn't keep the third act from caving in on itself. They kill the spiders by playing wasp sounds, for Christ's sake. It may be scientifically accurate, but it's fucking boring. Still, Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo is worth a Netflix rental. It would be five times as awesome if it was called Attack of the Banana Spiders.

Lifeboat

(mini-review)

Lifeboat is one of Hitchcock's most underrated films. The barebones plot gives way to some exceptional acting and a wealth of palpable tension. An American ship is torpedoed by a German U-Boat. The ship sinks, but a few people manage to evade the whirlpool by hopping on a lifeboat. Significant trades are represented. There is a nurse, a Marine, a photographer, and a captain among other weathered survivors. The group takes on a strange floater-by who turns out to be one of the Germans responsible for the torpedo. Awkward! We spend the next 100 minutes with these characters, and to Hitchcock's credit, there is never a dull moment.

The direction is superb. Do I really need to mention the brilliant shots that Hitchcock was able to capture on a small budget? This is merely a quaint drama from 1944, but it feels remarkably epic in scope. Today, this would have been a shot-on-DV mess. The actors give the dialogue an honest, vulnerable voice that resists the temptation to go overboard (pardon the pun). Lifeboat touches on issues that were very sensitive at the time, but the script doesn't pull any punches. Hitchcock goes for the gut. In the end, I found a way to relate to all of the characters, even the ones with questionable motives.

I'm putting my credibility on the line here, but I wouldn't mind seeing a remake of Lifeboat. The conditions are perfect. The themes at play are timeless, and it would give Hollywood an opportunity to craft an atmospheric, intelligent film that didn't need extravagant special effects. Wishful thinking, I know. Do yourself a favor and check out a masterful Hitchcocktail that doesn't receive much attention. You'll be glad that you did. Robert Z'Dar says, "I'll play the U-Boat in the remake!"

The Devil's Backbone

For years, I’ve been Guillermo del Toro’s groupie. If his name is attached to a project in any capacity, I will watch it. The title doesn’t matter. Director, producer, gaffer, assistant to Dave Foley...if del Toro sneezed within 75 miles of a movie set, I will watch that movie. It goes without saying that I love The Devil’s Backbone. The fact that a filmmaker would fill the gaps between major studio releases by lensing smaller, more intimate films speaks volumes about his passion for the craft. It’s a passion that pours from every frame. Backbone may not have been so effectual had it been helmed by someone else.

Carlos is an orphan. He doesn’t know that he is an orphan. He assumes that his father will return any day from fighting in the Spanish Civil War. His “tutor” drops him off at a tumbledown boarding school where a defused bomb sits aslant in front of the entrance. During his stay, Carlos meets a bully, an abusive caretaker, and a waterlogged ghost. This isn’t really a horror film. Del Toro uses supernatural transgressions as the backdrop for a heartrending drama. There are so many themes at play, that I couldn’t possibly dissect them all. Well, I suppose I could, but this isn’t a book report.

The child actors are profoundly expressive. Fernando Tievle runs the emotional gauntlet as Carlos. I thought that I would grow weary of his doe-eyed innocence, but I actually liked him. Imagine that. Eduardo Noriega is commanding as Jacinto, a covetous prick who acts as the film’s protagonist. Inigo Garces gives a well-rounded performance Jaime, the aforementioned bully. The key word here is “well-rounded.” There are no one-dimensional characters. Everyone is fleshed out, and the script broaches a blurry distinction between “good” and “evil.” The heroes are flawed and the villains are empathetic.

Del Toro’s ability to achieve realism with the realm of paranormal activity is peerless. I don’t know how he does it, but I don’t need to know how he does it. If there is one aspect of this phantasmal period piece that rubbed me the wrong way, it would have to be the egregious absence of legitimate scares. Again, Backbone is not a horror film, but I felt that the horror quotient was downplayed a little too much. That’s just me. That isn’t to say that we don’t get a sobering dose of violence. The gore (I hate to even call it that) is visceral and unflinching. I’m giving extra credit for the gutsy inclusion of dead children. Dead children are awesome!

Do I need to mention that the visuals are superb? Probably not, but I will anyway. I’m a sucker for eye candy, with or without substance. Del Toro knows how to make 35mm film look delicious. The imagery is subaqeuous and surreal. Every scene is enswathed in buttery amber filters that slide across the screen like a deep pigment chicken broth. Am I making any sense? I hope so because you need to see The Devil’s Backbone. It’s damn near perfect. I would be more open to giving it a perfect rating if it held up after repeated viewings, but I’ve only seen it twice. Plus, I’m stingy.

I pray to God and Satan that Guillermo del Toro doesn’t spend an obscene amount of time fucking around with hobbits. His “Spanish Civil War” trilogy may go down as one of the most aesthetically pleasing series of films in history, assuming that the third entry is just as delectable as its forerunners. As a selfish horror goon, I’m hoping that the series is completed in due course. If for some blasphemous reason, you still haven’t seen The Devil’s Backbone, stop reading this review and redeem yourself in the eyes of Santi.

Wyvern

(mini-review)

I've seen a ton of ads for the Maneater series. I have to admit that I'm kind of intrigued by the simple-minded storylines and the focus on goofy monsters. But I shouldn't get too excited. These are just Syfy Channel "originals" under a different tag. Wyvern is just a dragon movie. Apparently, a Wyvern is an actual mythological creature. It took a chunk out of Odin and was banished from the halls of Valhalla. Or something like that. Of course, the dragon is computer-generated, but the effects aren't too shoddy. We see the whole thing in broad daylight within the first three minutes. I liked the fact that the production team behind this chortle-inducing cheapie didn't try to hide the Wyvern in the shadows or in the blackness of the night sky.

There is nothing subtle about this film. No, sir. It wastes no time getting to the action. On a character level, most of the townspeople are morons. The acting isn't horrible, but no one is well-developed. Wyvern is set in Alaska, and the scenery is beautiful. This is a professional-looking project. I don't begrudge straight-to-video CGI rushjobs. Really, I don't. This is one of the least offensive Syfy Channel flicks that I've seen, as it kept me entertained and it kept me guessing as to who would die next. It wasn't as gory as I was hoping it would be, which is surprising, considering the lofty body count.

Will I remember Wyvern a few months down the road? It's doubtful. It's a decorous little b-movie, though. Chalk this one up as "so-so." If you rent it, I can't be held responsible for any buyer's remorse.

The Outer Limits: Season One

When people think about science-fiction television programming from the 50's and 60's, they probably think about The Twilight Zone. There's nothing wrong with that. The zone rocks and rolls. But there was another sci-fi/horror series from the same era that didn't reach as far into later generations. Of course, I'm speaking of The Outer Limits. If I had to choose between the two classic shows, I'd go with Limits. As controversial as my decision may be, it suits my personality. I'm a monster man.

You see, Limits is more creature-oriented than Zone. Since I was a child, I've always been drawn to inhuman villains, as opposed to boring humans. You can stab or shoot a guy in a mask. A monster is harder to put away, and besides, monsters look cooler. I can see why some genre scholars might turn their noses up at "monster of the week" TV shows, but I love them. Did you miss last week's episode? Don't worry; you don't need to know anything to enjoy this week's episode. The episodes themselves are mostly...hmm, I'm groping for words...oh, I know - AWESOME! I've yet to watch Season Two, but I can vouch for Season One. Totally.

The writing is exquisite. The dialogue is tuned in to raw emotions without feeling hammy or overwrought. Almost every episode weighs in with abstruse social commentary, with one episode ("The Hundred Days of the Dragon") dealing directly with politics. All of the themes apply to modern day society. Needless to say, a few episodes are just plain stupid, but I wasn't expecting every hour of controlled transmissions to be praiseworthy. The good episodes are great. The effects-heavy stories tend to be the most rewarding, as each alien and ghoul is a joy to behold.

I couldn't possibly break down every episode, but my favorites have to be "The Galaxy Being," "Architects of Fear," "The Zanti Misfits," and "The Sixth Finger." "The Sixth Finger" is fairly popular thanks, in part, to a futuristic madman with a giant brain and pointy ears. There is an action figure of this dude out there somewhere, and if I had the money, he would be planted on my desk. I hear that Season Two is a step down in ingenuity, but I'm going to buy it anyway. If you're into Monsters (the show, that is), One Step Beyond, and The Twilight Zone, you can't go wrong with The Outer Limits. By the way, the "remake" series can suck it.

Off Day is ON!

I'm moving my off day up a few days because I'll need more time to watch season one of a really cool TV show that I'll be reviewing tomorrow. Things are about to get exciting here at Random Reviews. Next week, I'll be unveiling a COOL CONTEST where the lucky winner will win a few random goodies. Speaking of goodies, I thought it wouldn't hurt to list a handful of movies that I'm currently looking for. If you own one of them on VHS/DVD/DVD-R, and you don't mind parting ways, I'll pay you in American currency for them (I'm also open to trading). These flicks are hard to come by, and I'd love to review them for the site. I'll even use real money!

The Black Sleep
From Hell it Came
Murders in the Zoo
Invasion of the Saucer Men
Ghost Town
Screams of a Winter Night
The Maze
Infra-Man

Stay tuned...more groovy reviews are on the way!

Cat People ('82)

(mini-review)

The best remakes take the premise of an outdated film and expound upon them. That's what 1982's Cat People does. The original didn't stun me, so I was looking forward to see what director Paul Schrader did with the concept. He knocked it out of the ballpark! This flick is coated in eye-popping visuals that held my attention (I'm a moron, you see; I like colors and shapes). It would entertain an infant. Luckily, there is a bit of substance underneath the style. Cat People is all about the luscious, beguiling Nastassja Kinski and her layered performance as Irena, everyone's favorite Siberian pussy monster. Hmm, I think I just stumbled upon a subtitle for a sequel.

Every scene is charged with sexual energy. We get loads of delectable nudity, including a perpetually topless (not to mention bottomless) Kinski. Cat People does flirt with vacuity like any other erotic horror film, but I sensed enough depth to sustain the dazzling imagery and the uncomfortable sex scenes. Speaking of uncomfortable, I dug Malcolm McDowell's bizarro turn as Irena's incestuous brother. John Heard and Annette "cutie pie" O'Toole are believable in their respective roles. The special effects are just as believable, and I'm giving high marks in the gore/goo department on the strength of a couple of disembodied arms. They hit the spot.

I can't say enough about the mouth-watering images on display. Schrader had a blast with red filters, rainy nights, and the cinematic features of Nastassja Kinski. The florid flashback is worth the price of admission alone. I didn't care for the overblown ending. Did they really need a helicopter and an entire fleet of cops to corner a goddamn leopard? Oh, they did? My apologies. Cat People is a cool movie.

God of War

I'd like to take this opportunity to plug a friend's blog. He helped design my "Soda Jerk" logo, and he creates cool animated gif's for people. Check him out...

http://moviegifs.blogspot.com/

And yes, God of War is his Christian name.

Megadeth - YOUTHANASIA

(mini-review)

This is where Megadeth began to take the "sell out" route. Youthanasia is not a true metal album, and when it first hit shelves, I hated it. Truth is, it's a strong rock album. It's not particularly fast or thrashy, but it contains the kind of riffs that demolish buildings. "Reckoning Day" is one heavy tune, and "Train of Consequences" features a classic palm-mute riff that sounds positively thunderous beneath a wailing harmonica. Both songs may be mid-tempo crunchers, but they crunch all the same. "Addicted to Chaos" and live staple "A Tout le Monde" impregnate Youthanasia with feel and melody. Again, these aren't thrashterpieces, but they still reek of Megadeth.

Tragically, the album does have moments of vitric pop craftsmanship. "Elysian Fields" is hard to keep down, what with its all-too-happy chorus and formulaic arrangements. It has a soapy, sanitized sheen to it that cripples the flow of the album. "The Killing Road" is a superb hunk of angsty metal. You can boil any great heavy metal song down to its riff, and the riff on this fucker demands your attention. The solo is impeccable. Overall, the soloing on Youthanasia is excellent, and Mustaine hasn't been able to top it since (okay, the leads on Endgame and United Abominations come close).

Mustaine's voice is produced well. It sounds rich and full. He seems to have forgotten how to create catchy vocal melodies like the ones that can be found on this record. Then again, he was aiming for MTV with this record. Be that as it may, Youthanasia is a solid collection of hard rock songs. I'm also a fan of Cryptic Writings, but I understand why I'm in the minority. In my opinion, Countdown to Extinction struck a healthy medium between melodic and thrashy. Street credibility be damned, I dig the hell out of 90's Megadeth. Sue me!