Carnosaur 3: Primal Species

This is the end, my only friend.  The end.  Ew, that's how suicide notes start.  Wouldn't it be funny if some guy killed himself and left a review of Carnosaur 3: Primal Species as his suicide note?  That would be awesome.  I would do it if it weren't for the whole "dying" thing.  I'm veering off-course...while putting this trilogy to bed enchases a dispiriting wrinkle into my brow, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't itching to leave this abstract mezzotint behind me.  I need to spend time away from crass, churlish schlock.  It's for my own good.  But these reviews were necessary.  I had to get them out of my system.  Carnosaur 3 is a film I hadn't seen since I was an ostracized teenager, so I was looking forward to revisiting an old friend.

Now I know why we lost touch.  This direct-to-video washout is more generic than those jugs of brand-free juice you see at the supermarket that are only identifiable by their flavors (or rather, their colors; they all taste like sugar water).  The first act consists of military grunts wielding modernized muskets.  The second act consists of military grunts acting tough and slogging afoot in a dingy warehouse.  The third act consists of military grunts dodging dinosaurs on a ship.  By the way, the pluvial climax is accompanied by a score "modeled after" Alan Silvestri's tribal Predator theme.  Man, these flicks laugh in the face of dignity.

If you've seen Carnosaur 2, then Carnosaur 3 will give you a few reasons to scratch your head.  What's with all the references to itching and scratching?  Anyway, the late Rick Dean played a major role in the second entry.  He wasn't the lead, mind you, but he was one of the last people to be dispatched.  Here, he appears in another major role...as a different character.  The fuckity-fuck?  Moreover, the two characters are practically the same dude.  They are both bawdy, chauvinistic class clown types.  Again, the fuckity-fuck?  Dean isn't alone in his duality.  Mad TV regular Michael McDonald has bit parts in Carnosaur 2 and 3...as different characters.  I demand an explanation!

On the upside, the effects are decent, and I managed to stay awake until the closing credits crept onto the screen.  The action sequences are competent, which is how I would describe Carnosaur 3: Primal Species as a whole.  Have you ever recommended a movie on account of it being competent?  It's just bland.  I watched it three hours ago, and I can barely remember plot specifics.  It's not terribly gory.  Ugh.  If I was forced at gunpoint to hazard a guess, I would wager that the crew was comprised of "C" students.  That may seem harsh, but it's most likely true.  Robert Z'Dar says, "I'm honestly surprised that I didn't star in at least two of these fuckers."

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