Demon Queen

Sometimes, I enjoy writing movie reviews.  Sometimes, I don't.  Certain films make the process more laborious than it needs to be.  Take Demon Queen, for instance.  I dread spending an hour expounding on its panoptic atrocity, but for some ungodly reason, I decided long ago that this website would be updated daily.  And I have nothing else to write about.  Jesus, why me?  Pity me, dear reader.  Hold my hand with succor in your eyes as I muster the strength to slobber four paragraphs onto my keyboard.  Check my pulse regularly.  I have a feeling that it will fade halfway through, but I'll do my best to conserve my puissance.  Heh, puissance.  What a stupid fucking word.

Okay, so why am I in such a pissy mood?  I wanted to dig Demon Queen.  It's a shot-on-video cheapie from 1986 that has eluded digital media for over a decade.  Earlier this year, Massacre Video (an underground distribution company that re-releases obscure shockers on both DVD and VHS) rolled out a swank version of Donald Farmer's lascivious debut, but you still won't be able to find it on Amazon.  It may never be widely available.  If you don't get a chance to own a copy, don't worry yourself into a conniption fit.  From where I stand, you're not missing an imponderable showpiece.  Demon Queen is a 53-minute farrago of shoddy editing and tedious dream sequences.  "But Dom, it's low-budget."  No, no, no, no, no...you don't understand.

Several shots linger for WAY too long, the audio drops out and the credits are glutted with typographical errors.  If there is one thing I can't stand, it's poor spealling.  In all fairness, Farmer was smart enough to keep the running time at bay.  The "plot" follows Lucinda, a succubus who tantalizes men and kills them after coitus.  She inexplicably fixates on a drug dealer and crashes on his couch.  Where did she live before she met this dude?  I don't know.  Anyway, Lucinda's bite victims (yes, bite victims; demons are vampires, I guess) return as melting zombies.  How?  Again, I don't know.

We are canonized with a couple of bright spots.  The special effects are quite convincing, and the last five minutes feel like they were extracted from an honest-to-Satan horror film.  I'm a sucker for tacky lighting.  Plus, I'd be a bold-faced liar if I said that Mary Fanaro didn't give a poised, hypnotic performance as the titular archfiend.  She's a real actress.  It's a shame that the leaden pace dashes any hope of engrossing entertainment.  Demon Queen isn't the worst SOV production I've endured, but fuck, I wouldn't even recommend it to my enemies.  I'm willing to give Donald Farmer a second try, though.  I'd love to grab Vampire Cop or Scream Dream.  Hey, I survived four paragraphs!  Do I win a medal?  No?  Right.