Puppet Master 4

Oxycodone.  I need it to review this movie.  I'm exaggerating, but man, Charles Band must think his fans are dolts.  In his defense, I am, in fact, a dumbass.  After all, I signed up to review this entire franchise.  But back to Band insulting my intelligence; Friday the 13th purists enjoy exscinding the continuity errors in their favorite genre tentpole series, but Jason's exploits are damn near orderly compared to these films.  God, where do I start?  Torch is on the poster (as well as the VHS cover), but he's a no-show in Puppet Master 4 itself.  The storyline disregards the chain of events in PM2.  We're supposed to forget Andre Toulon's ignoble, unavailing heel turn and dismiss his backsliding apostate ways from our memory banks.

Guy Rolfe reprises his role from PM3, though we only see his face when Toulon materializes to guide his puppets in spirit.  The plot is so fucking random.  We pick up at the Bodega Bay Inn (which is still in business?) where we meet its caretaker, a young tech whiz who lends robotic engineering data to...some corporate project.  Strange packages are delivered to him and his cohorts.  The contents?  A portentous wicker figure.  I mean, I'm assuming that Totem was crocheted out of wicker.  It looks like wicker, but I can't imagine Sutekh being an "arts and crafts" kind of guy.  Oh, who is Sutekh?  I could write a novel about this goofy motherfucker.

Sutekh is Lord of the Underworld, and he claims that Toulon stole his magic.  Fuck, he's the most glorious rubber monster I've ever seen.  You can tell that he's 100% animatronic because his movements are as stiff as an erection joke.  Sorry, I honestly couldn't come up with a decent erection joke.  His mouth barely palpitates when his super scary voice preponderates the soundtrack.  At any rate, the whiz and his buddies (lolz) resuscitate Pinhead, Six Shooter, Jester, Tunneler, Blade and Decapitron.  Together, they fend off the Totem cavalry.  Well, most of them.  Jester is absolutely useless.  And he has a cumtard expression on his face like he just saw his sister take a shit on his grandmother.

If you can overlook the mentally deficient script, PM4 is admissible entertainment.  Director Jeff Burr brings a funhouse atmosphere to the table.  I don't care what anyone says.  Burr can dish out strapping b-snacks, as proven by the likes of The Stepfather 2 and Night of the Scarecrow.  He also helmed Puppet Master 5.  The two cheapies were shot back-to-back, which shouldn't surprise anyone.  Puppet Master 4 was mapped out with pacing in mind, so you don't realize that the ending is nonsensical until the credits actually roll.  What does Decapitron do exactly?  How did he conquer Sutekh?  Am I awake right now?

This flick is loopy, but I dug it.  It's easy to watch, and the effects-heavy sequences are well-staged.  If you're pining to see Pinhead and Tunneler play laser tag, here is your chance!

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