Blood Capsule #77


Also known as Plankton, this Italian puddle crossing should have been a humdinger.  It features fish mutants (always a safe bet), stop-motion animation and ridiculous gore.  Lamentably, Creatures is less of a grandiose wassail at Red Lobster and more of a last-minute morsel at Frankie's Fishin' Net.  I will admit to the jury that the production quality is spiffy for such a bottom-feeding budget, but that doesn't mitigate the...wait, I'm the jury.  And the judge.  And the executioner!  I wouldn't hesitate to drop the guillotine on this blockheaded barge.  For one thing, the dubbing hurts.  The main character, Mike, has an insufferable, high-pitched voice that stabbed my dickhole.

The dialogue?  Piss.  I'm of the belief that the crew saw the looping process as an opportunity to putz around.  "Professor, how long have you been fucking fish?"  That's an actual line, and no, it's not meant to be humorous.  Of course, I would have snatched extra enjoyment out of Creatures From the Abyss if I had been accompanied by like-minded compatriots and/or well-wishers, but that wasn't the case.  I genuinely dug the kooky monsters and primo kills (at one point, a girl gives birth to caviar).  It's just that those moments are few and very far between.  Would I recommend this clam?  Only if you're hosting a bash where the goal is to get blackout drunk.

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