Masters of the Universe

Poster cribbed from THIS location.

I've always been tangentially aware of He-Man and Skeletor.  I've seen the action figures, even if the animated series was slightly before my time.  As for 1987's Masters of the Universe, well, better late than never?  I can't finger the impetus to tardily watch this film.  Why do we do anything that we do?  Why does the white-winged snowfinch forage around ski resorts?  Why do the moon-bellied giants of Uganda try to pin their opponents with their backs facing the harsh lights of the stadium?  No one flipping knows.  The point is, I viewed it.  And I dug it!  You don't need to read any further, but I wish you would.

WARNING: The plot is wacky.  You're probably familiar with it, but I want to type it out to corroborate that it was, in fact, real.  On the planet of Eternia, a regal castle is overthrown - Castle Greyskull!  It's deposed by the rancorous Skeletor and his minions.  They try to funnel the power of The Sorceress of Greyskull, as brandishing this universal sway will allow Skeletor to...um, fuck the cosmos, I suppose.  I don't know how any of this actually works.  Masters employs cartoon logic, but that isn't necessarily a dereliction of duty.  Oh, I forgot He-Man.  He's the hero!  He's gonna save Eternia, you guys!  If the film commits one afflictive wrongdoing, it's the sapless, humdrum nature of He-Man himself.

Despite Dolph Lundgren's best efforts (c'mon, the guy is still badass), our main protagonist is void of character.  He's so generic, the role could have been portrayed by an action figure.  I cannot say the same for motherfuckin' Skeletor.  Frank Langella sinks his teeth into the scenery and hams it way up as the Overlord of Evil.  Why can't we get Skeletor: Origins?  Nevermind; it would be trephined with blotchy CGI.  Masters derives a husky percentage of its charm from supposedly "outdated" effects techniques.  Who doesn't love a well-mounted matte painting?  And the costumes are grand.  Karg is a wily, woolly son of a bitch, isn't he?

I'm fond of the entire gang of villains.  The alien-eyed (that's a compliment, by the way) Meg Foster confused my sex organs as the unprincipled, yet beguiling Evil Lyn.  Yowza!  She is a spanking and a handful of chains away from becoming a Cenobite.  Good grief, I sound like an idiot.  What else can I jabber about?  The pace is nimble.  I thought the Earth scenes were handled with care, and I honestly couldn't believe that the production couldn't afford a second unit.  Props to director Gary Goddard.  Moreover, the requisite teenagers felt believable.  Considering the genre and decade, I was expecting rancid writing, but the dialogue passed the smell test.

Robert Z'Dar says, "I was offered Skeletor.  I disrespectfully declined and I'll tell you why.  I knew Skeletor.  Good guy.  This movie makes him out to be a monster.  That's bullshit.  And I'll tell you something else.  He never wanted to kill He-Man.  Ever!  That blonde fop kept getting in the way, so of course, there is going to be some discord.  I'm talking about misunderstandings, okay?"