Goodbye green...

So what do you think of the new color scheme?  Your vote counts.  Just kidding!  I'm not interested in your opinion at all.  What does that have to do with DNA, a straight-to-video creature feature from 1996?  Nothing, but I did review it for the book.  Speaking of which, I'll have more news on the book front in April.  No fooling!

Blood Capsule #186

SUITABLE FLESH (2023)

As anyone who knows me can attest, I am woefully out of step with modern horror.  In the days before social media, I used to be surgically grafted to message boards, and I had committed to memory the release dates of various upcoming projects.  That was then.  Now?  It wouldn't be unfair to say that I live in the past.  But generally, when something is worth watching, I hear about it.  Such is the case with Suitable Flesh, a film that reteams writer Dennis Paoli with ageless scream queen Barbara Crampton.  This is an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's "The Thing on the Doorstep," and if the closing credits jog your memory, it's because Paoli also provided the screenplays for Re-Animator and From Beyond.  Does Flesh reach those levels of psychoactive tomfoolery?  Let's find out.

Director Joe Lynch does a commendable job of stretching an obviously low budget, even if the exposition does feel constrained to stay within the parameters of a handful of sets.  I dug the clever scene transitions.  My commentary might come off as dry, but I did enjoy this 80's throwback.  It's just...eh, it's only a throwback in spirit, as it never truly realizes the freakout genius of, well, Re-Animator and From Beyond.  Fans will appreciate the practical special effects, though.  The ugly truth is that we've seen the story of a baneful, body-hopping entity play out in so many other genre films, it becomes challenging to lose yourself in this one.  Still, kudos to Heather Graham for her multi-hued performance.  I bought what she was selling, and yes, the nudity helped.  'Twas unnecessary, but it helped.  Recommended to fans of Nyarlathotep and astral projection.

The Stuff?

I once met Buff Bagwell.  He worked an indie show here about 10-12 years ago.  And that's all I have to say on the matter, but I will be watching his episode of Dark Side of the Ring later tonight.  I'm taking the rest of the weekend off.  Laters!

Blood Capsule #185

THE DARK (1979)

Well, that was abysmal.  Ironically enough, I missed out on the opportunity to see The Dark on the big screen years ago at a movie marathon.  Hindsight suggests that my fate was fortuitous.  Where do I even begin?  I worry about any theater patrons who caught this sci-fi sedative during its initial run.  I'm afraid it may be revealed that watching The Dark has the same effect on the central nervous system as inhaling carbon monoxide.  Okay, that's enough critic quotes for the inevitable 4k restoration.  Let's anatomize the plot, shall we?  An alien dressed for Casual Friday crash lands in the bustling bowels of Los Angeles.  Reporters and detectives are puzzled by a recent rash of murders that don't seem to have any connective tissue, unless you count the blood samples collected at each crime scene.  I bet the alien is involved.

Usually, films that had a frazzled production history have some cult appeal.  This one is mind-numbingly boring.  That's hard to believe, seeing as how the alien shoots lasers out of his eyes.  John "Bud" Cardos occupied the director's chair to bail out a transient Tobe Hooper.  It doesn't feel like The Dark was directed by anyone at all.  Random shots linger for no reason, and most of the "action" is lost in a sea of black.  I've heard of day-for-night photography, but this is ridiculous.  Was the film shot on asphalt and edited with electrical tape?  Needless to say, my mind wandered here and there.  By the time we arrived at a resolution, I had my grocery list done.  I need more macaroni and cheese, by the way.  And fresh milk!  Yeah, The Dark is laborious.  I can only recommend the last five minutes.  Those other minutes?  Optional at best.

Now Playing #11

Mordicus - Dances from Left

"Diamond in the rough" is a designation that was seemingly minted just for this album.  I've never met anyone who has even heard of Mordicus.  Hailing from Finland, they released one EP and one LP before calling it a day.  They have a second album listed on Metal Archives, but it also mentions that their second album was shelved.  So who knows?  I'm here to discuss 1993's Dances from Left.  These dudes could pass for a melodeath band, but they don't frolic in the In Flames/Dark Tranquility strain that erupted out of Sweden.  Of course, I say that, but I'm going to compare them to a Swedish luminaire.  This record reminds me of At the Gates' Slaughter of the Soul, only...better.  Yeah, I said it.  The guitars have the same beefy tone.  What's more, vocalist Robert Arpo's blusterous rasps bring Tomas Lindberg to mind.

I know next to nothing about drums, but I can tell when a drummer kicks ass.  This guy (credited as Heikki Lappalainen) definitely kicks ass.  There is plenty of variation where the beats are concerned.  The riffs are fairly brutal, although I would still classify these tunes as "catchy."  My favorite track is the 8-minute "A Thorn in Holy Flesh."  You should also check out "Oceans," "I Bleed to See," and "Cybernetic Summer."

Atten Ash - The Hourglass

Do you miss Daylight Dies as much as I do?  For my money, they were the best melodic doom/death band going, but it has been twelve (!) years since their last opus.  It doesn't look like they'll be reemerging anytime soon.  But drop that noose!  I found an album that fills the void left behind by such classics as Dismantling Devotion and A Frail Becoming.  Atten Ash shares DD's state of origin, which happens to be my state of origin - North Carolina.  They also share a guitarist by the name of Barre Gambling.  I have to think this is the member responsible for the gorgeous guitar solos on The Hourglass.  Does this offer anything new?  No.  In fact, you could call it a lost Daylight Dies album, but that's not a drawback.  Unfortunately, this project has also been dormant for twelve years.  Oh, well.

Out of all of the music I've listened to since the last iteration of Now Playing, I've pulled The Hourglass the most.  Make of that what you will.  Preferred selections?  I guess "Born," but they're all tasty.

Random Match Alert

Most wrestling fans know that 1996's Bash at the Beach was an incredibly important pay-per-view, but did you know that the card featured matches other than the main event?  Take this one, for example.  Rey Mysterio and Psychosis "pulled the curtain" with this 15-minute barn-burner.  NOTE: You'll have to go to Peacock to see the full match.

Escape to Cremation

You can expect to see a new edition of Now Playing within the next week or so (give or take several decades), but you want to know what I'm listening to right now?  Like, now now?  Veteran bone-snappers Drawn and Quartered.  To be specific, I'm jamming Hail Infernal Darkness, their fourth album.  This band is so underrated, it's criminal.  In fact, it might be a felony in certain states.  They have kicked out eight (!) platters of raw, bloody death metal since forming in the mid-90's.  You can throw a dart at their discography, and chances are, you will probably land on something cool.  Last night, I played Return of the Black Death (LP #3, pictured above).  It sounds like it looks - awesome!

I was trying to think of points of comparison.  Imagine the sewage of Incantation intermingled with the neck-twisting groove of Immolation.  I guess that's all I wanted to say.  I'll be back in a few days with more randomness.  Insert guitar solo here.

Blood Capsule #184

SOMETHING EVIL (1972)

Following in the footsteps of The Lawnmower Man and Circuitry Man, Hologram Man is a cautionary tale about the dangers of transferring one's soul into holographic stasis.  And that, dear reader, was going to be the first sentence of today's review until I sleepily slid into watching Something Evil.  This was a treat.  I didn't know it going in, but this made-for-TV sternum-stroker (it was either that or "spine-chiller") was shepherded by a young, hungry Steven Spielberg.  Coming hot off the heels of Duel, he was still finding himself on the set of this project.  Personally, I was sold as soon as I saw a pre-Night Stalker* Darren McGavin's name in the opening credits.  He plays Paul, the concerned husband of a beleaguered woman (a fraught Sandy Dennis).  What's beleaguering her?  Find out in the next paragraph...same time, same channel!

There is something bedeviling their home, something a little more malevolent than a mere ghost.  It has been said that Evil served as a dry run for Poltergeist, and I can back that sentiment.  The latter film is superior, but Spielberg's direction is sharp here.  The first half is slow-going, almost too slow.  Almost.  Patience is rewarded in a significant way, however.  Stevie expertly uses the acoustics of a room to his advantage in building tension.  It's funny; according to the man himself, CBS hacked his budget and hobbled his creative impulses.  I couldn't tell.  By the way, I did pop Hologram Man into my VCR.  It's a tepid, noisy sci-fi/actioner.  I bet you weren't banking on reading two reviews in one, were you?  No one asked, but my favorite Spielberg joint has always been Subspecies.

*So apparently, both Something Evil and The Night Stalker premiered in early 1972.  'Twas a good year for small-screen spooks.

Album Cover of the Whatever

I don't listen to much modern thrash, but I have to respect Gama Bomb for going all-out with Bats, their latest LP.  At press time, it is unclear what role Lou Diamond Phillips played in the creation of the album, if any.  Great cover, though!

Blood Capsule #183

THE CELLAR (1988)

I know Kevin Tenney to be a talented director with a keen eye for style.  It's unfortunate that he wasn't allowed to utilize much of that talent on the set of The Cellar.  Apparently, he was roped in just days after someone else was relieved of the position.  Unable to reshoot thorny footage, he was able to make the best of a bad situation.  Watching the film over thirty years later, you can tell that it was a flustered production, but if you go in with the right mindset (and a fistful of edibles...I'm kidding?), most of the punches connect.  The premise borrows from the very well of Native American folklore that so many other budget-minded fright flicks have despoiled.  A Comanche tribe jams a spear into the ground in an effort to contain a profound evil.  As it happens, this evil is a ratty, brutish warthog demon...thing.

Cut to modern day Arizona.  The spear is unaccounted for, and as such, our bestial gallybagger is free to roam in the cellar of a dwelling peopled by an innocuous family.  The Cellar doesn't come right out and say it, but the monster seems to have a Shining-esque effect on Mance, the father of the household.  He stops just short of becoming an axe-wielding maniac.  An honorable mention goes out to Chris Miller.  He plays the prepubescent protagonist, and miraculously, he didn't grate my nerves.  As for the creature, I'll be charitable and say that the prosthetic is restrictive.  We're limited to tight shots of trunk, tooth, and claw.  Hey, I'll take what I can get.  The Cellar wrapped in the same calendar year as Night of the Demons.  That's a pretty sweet double feature from where I'm sitting.  Recommended to fans of basements and The Basement.  Don't forget Crawlspace!

From the depths of the sea...A TIDAL WAVE OF TERROR!

A rare photo on the set of Schindler's List.  I think.

"Attack of the Crab Monsters hits all of the notes you would expect, and to top it off, this crustacean's exoskeleton is drizzled with Roger Corman flavoring.  For the record, Corman has the same general taste and mouthfeel as orange dreamsicle shaved ice."

That's an excerpt from a Blood Capsule that you will only be able to find in my upcoming book.  Speaking of which, I'm giving myself all of March to stockpile reviews.  Then, and only then, I'll be 95% ready to publish.  Start saving now.  I'm setting the suggested retail price at a cool million dollars.*

*Price subject to change.

Blood Capsule #182

PROPHECY (1979)

Another one I'm surprised I hadn't seen, especially considering that I've owned it for some time.  This eco-horror nugget is notorious for all of the right/wrong reasons.  If you watch South Park, you have no doubt been acquainted with the Man-Bear-Pig.  Well, this is its origin story.  Like any good cult classic, Prophecy has no idea that it's patently ridiculous.  Sober on the surface, the plotline pits Native Americans against obdurate loggers.  Someone must shoulder the blame for the alarming number of missing campers, which is to say nothing about the campers who have been found.  Headless.  It won't shock you to learn that the offending party is the malformed upshot of mercury poisoning and acid rain, probably.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...we've got to abolish paper mills!

Prophecy is loopy, and I enjoyed the hell out of it.  John Frankenheimer directs it with panache.  In fact, he guides it along as though it were an Oscar contender.  Who am I to say that he was deluded?  The acting is strong on all fronts.  I loved Armand Assante as the somber defender of the forest ("I'll tell you what right now!!!").  And you have to hand it to Talia Shire for delivering heavy-handed abortion dialogue with a straight face.  Did I mention that this flick was self-important?  It's okay.  You can be self-important when you have the Man-Bear-Pig at your disposal.  Prophecy earns extra credit for the bog-set finale.  The misty, nebulous backdrop is positively gorgeous, so you don't mind the false finishes.  On par with Grizzly, methinks.  Recommended to fans of groundwater pollution.

My Patreon!

I hate the fact that I have to promote my Patreon.  I feel like I'm saying, "Give me money!"  The truth is a little more nuanced than that.  Patreon allows me to make a little pocket change writing about the stuff I love.  For real, yo!  I'll give you an example.  Just the other day, I used my Patreon funds to buy two cheeseburgers and a cassette tape.  Did I NEED two cheeseburgers and a cassette tape?  Of course not, but that's beside the point.  What I'm trying to say is...I appreciate the support.  I still don't feel comfortable advertising this deal, but it is what it is.  If I were a YouTuber, no one would blink an eye at my soulless shilling.  Just think of me as another soulless YouTuber, only without the annoying videos.

Blood Capsule #181

EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (2001)

Y'know, I'm just now realizing that I haven't seen the original Earth vs. the Spider.  That's odd, considering that I have seen the four other films in this series.  What is this series?  Back in the day (like, way back...VHS was still a thing), Stan Winston forged an alliance with Cinemax to produce five loving tributes to b-movies from the 1950's.  Titles ranged from the execrable (Teenage Caveman) to the paper-thin (She Creature).  Yeah, these weren't exactly consumer-grade affairs, but the passion is there.  This is a remake in name only.  The plot follows Quentin, a security guard who spends his paychecks on comic books and action figures.  I can relate.  In the chaos of a botched burglary, this idiot willingly injects himself with an experimental serum that turns him into an eight-legged freak.  We'll call him Brundlefool.

Okay, that was a different pest, but this film clearly wants to remind you of David Cronenberg's The Fly.  While the make-up effects are proficient, the meat of the script doesn't quite measure up.  You would need to care about the main character for this set-up to work, and well, that doesn't happen.  Dan Aykroyd receives top billing.  Mm-hmm.  For whatever reason, there is a subplot involving his lush of a wife.  It doesn't go anywhere, though.  I'm finding it difficult to fill two paragraphs on this paltry porch-climber.  I wonder, do spiders get offended by incendiary slang?  More to the point, would a tarantula be insulted by Earth vs. the Spider?  These are questions that someone has to ask.  In any event, go watch Tarantula or Eight Legged Freaks to get your "killer arachnid" fix.

Random Match Alert

Here's something to watch while you wait for me to write another Blood Capsule.  Bam Bam Bigelow versus "The Rocket" Owen Hart...this match is so awesome, it's stupid.  As an added bonus, it features "Macho Man" Randy Savage on color commentary.  I can't think of a better way to spend eight minutes.

Album Cover of the Whatever

Boom.

My thoughts on the new Pearl Jam song...

So I guess I was dreading hearing this single.  Every other 90's band officially sounds old.  Recent material by Foo Fighters and Smashing Pumpkins has been awful offal (ha!).  But you know what?  "Dark Matter" is a solid Pearl Jam song.  It even features that propulsive groove that had been missing from the last couple of albums.  Thank you, Matt Cameron!  Eddie still sounds like Eddie.  Perhaps most importantly, we get a screaming guitar solo, and yes, I was going to complain if we didn't get a screaming guitar solo.  Using my trusty Abbath scale, I'd give it a cautious 4 out of 5.  Let's see what the other tunes sound like.  Grunge will never die!

"Patience, Dom. Patience."

Just a brief update.  Non-capsule content will be returning to the site because, well, things look sad and lonely.  While I may be in the home stretch of the book, I'm at least a month out from being ready to publish.  I'm still in the process of gathering reviews.  And by "gathering," I mean "writing."  I want there to be something you haven't read yet, even if it's a scatterbrained breakdown of a film that you will never watch.  Can you tell I'm getting antsy?

"Patience, Dom.  Patience."  Easy for you to say!

Blood Capsule #180

THE MONOLITH MONSTERS (1957)

In the 1950's, Universal sci-fi was just as ubiquitous as Universal horror.  In fact, the fabled studio hammered out quite a few pictures that dealt with outer space.  The Monolith Monsters submits a unique concept, and off the top of my head, I can't think of another film that grapples with this particular subject matter.  Maybe The Magnetic Monster?  No, that was an isotope.  I guess I should fill you in.  Meteorites are crashing in a parched desert bed near the small town of San Angelo.  Once they shatter on impact, the landscape is flecked with black stone fragments.  I know that doesn't sound very exciting, but wait until it rains.  When these shards of space gravel are met with moisture, they begin to grow.  WARNING: Exposure to spooky wet rocks may cause alarming side effects including lockjaw, granite hand, and ovarian magma.

I enjoyed Monolith.  If I were randomly using baseball jargon (just oblige me), I'd call it a solo home run.  There are a couple of impediments, however, that keep it from being a grand slam.  The third act is overwhelmed with technical scientific mumbo-jumbo, and well, I wasn't too keen on learning the intricacies of hydroelectric power.  Seriously, the characters will tell you everything you need to know with respect to floodgates.  I'm just not sure if that leaves us with a gripping script.  I mean, you could turn The Monolith Monsters into one hell of a textbook, but I'm in the business of reviewing movies.  As such, it's alright.  We get a forced love story, although I did like the main players.

The special effects are well-mounted.  And yeah, that about covers it.  Recommended to fans of irrigation.

Blood Capsule #179

DARK CARNIVAL (1993)

I came THIS CLOSE (insert hand gesture here) to not reviewing this movie at all.  It doesn't deserve the exposure, but someone out there might see the title and expect, oh, I don't know, legitimate entertainment.  I can't let that happen.  There is so little information on Dark Carnival available, that I'm actually finding more information on the WCW stable of the same name.  This unsound no-budgeter wishes it could be associated with the likes of Vampiro and Violent J, as opposed to...dear God, who are these people?  Director Eric Worthington ditched the industry after funneling resources into this washout (resources that could have gone to anything else), having absconded with about as much pride as - nevermind, I shouldn't make this personal.

On second thought, I'm taking it personally.  Dark Carnival is miserable.  The plot follows a group of friends who decide to celebrate Halloween by staging a haunted house attraction.  They spook patrons for all of ten minutes before claiming that the house itself is evil.  What are they basing this on?  No, I'm asking.  And who is their target demographic?  They construct tableaus that range in ripeness from a hokey mad scientist's laboratory (bolt-necked monster included) to a Satanic castration ritual.  Yeah, that's sure to scare the kids in attendance (???).  The acting is dreadful, the "characters" are morons, and of course, the production values are grotty.  Hey, I can put up with cheap sets if you have something else to offer.  This is basically 1991's HauntedWeen, only without the charm.

Do not, under any circumstances, watch Dark Carnival.