In Your House 29: Here Comes the Pain

"Don't give up, yo. "

I've been watching Raw, but since nothing interesting is happening, I'll go ahead and jot down my thoughts on SummerSlam. Remember when this was an epic PPV? Remember 80,000 strong erupting with alacrity when The British Bulldog won the Intercontinental Championship in 1992? Remember the enthralling ladder (re)match between Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels from 1995? How about 2000's vanguard TLC fray involving Edge/Christian, The Hardy Boyz and The Dudley Boyz? No one had ever seen anything like that before!

Last night, WWE delivered a succession of lively, evenly paced matches, none of which broke the 20-minute mark. There were no emotional peaks. There were no climactic capstones. There were no "holy shit"' moments that evinced sustained applause from the crowd. 2012's SummerSlam amounted to nothing more than a handful of good matches, and listen, I'll be the first to admit that it could have been worse. This would have made for an exceptional Cyber Sunday. But c'mon, it's SummerSlam.

Still, I won't bitch for the sake of bitching. I'm glad that Santino finally dropped the U.S. title, though I'm waiting for WWE brass to wise up and pair Antonio Cesaro with Kassius Ohno. The curtain-jerker was fabulous. Lion tamer sighting! Some are lamenting the fact that Ziggler tapped out, but I honestly don't see this loss hindering him in the long haul. The Miz's title defense against Rey Mysterio was surprisingly fun to watch. The "Kobe Bryant" chants kept the tag title match from deteriorating, and I hear that A.W. signs were confiscated. So there's that.

In my book, the Punk/Cena situation is officially blah. As for Paul Heyman's client, it's obvious that Mr. McMahon is trying to unfuck the damage caused by his loss to John Cena. Too little, too late? Time will tell, but that was a piteous ending. Poor Trips. "You're supposed to cheer for me now. Don't you realize that I'm profoundly shamed and that this could be my last hurrah? It's okay; I'll wait for the proper reaction." And who the cock is Kevin Rudolf? Was it his intention to look disinterested? Actually, he looked like an unfulfilled Staples employee in the process of becoming a woman.

Be a star!

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