The Crystal Jerk

Here's the thing; I'm not even sure if that advertisement is blazoning a tour from 1992 or a current tour called Summer of '92.  I think it's the latter.  That's nuts.  Hey, En Vogue and Lisa Loeb?  I'm down!  I remember 1992.  Surprisingly, a lot of people - people older than me - don't.  More specifically, they don't remember Crystal Pepsi.  My own mother couldn't recall one commercial, and I know baby boomers who have never heard of this limpid liquid.  How is that possible?  I know it was a flop, but you could still find it on shelves as late as 1994.  This is where I make my startling confession.  I might be coming across as a die-hard who still has original bottles (and cans, just clap your hands) of Crystal Pepsi in his basement.  Truth be told, I never had the stuff!

My God, I may have startled myself. Petunia, are you okay?  Petunia is the name I gave to my--wow, that's "TMI" territory, ol' buddy! Sorry.  I always do that when I'm talking about my penis. Right, I was never fortunate enough to try Crystal Pepsi (or Oh, That Clear Shit?, as it was known colloquially) as a kid.  As I plummeted into adulthood, I became a soda epicure.  An aficionado? Alright, a specialist at best.  Fuck, fine.  FINE!  I'm a soda junkie. I'm a burnout, a fuckin' space cadet.  Poor Petunia is covered in track marks.  What, my veins collapsed!  I have no clue how a review of Crystal Pepsi took a dark turn this abruptly.  What the fuck?  I'm going to try to focus on the beverage at hand without branching off and hounding a hideous tangent.

Okay, so I was injecting heroin into my cock and oopsy-daisy...boy, am I a goofball or what?  *audible laughter*  When I heard the news that Pepsi was bringing their unsung hero back, I was mortally excited.  I marked out, bro.  Alas, I couldn't find the product late last year, the quarter in which it was supposedly (re)introduced to consumers.  Since then, the lawless scuttlebutt has died down. That's probably a hyperbole, but there was serious buzz.  Now?  A reserved stillness.  I was afraid that I had missed the boat until I saw it.  "What did you see, Dom?  Dom???  God, what's wrong with your legs?!?!?  Oh, God!!!"  I saw a beautiful display of one-liter bottles containing beautiful Crystal Pepsi.

It tastes like shit.  Nah, just kidding.  It's glorious!  Obviously, I can't tell you if it tastes like the original Crystal Pepsi, but I can tell you that it smells of...Pepsi, basically.  But it's not straight Pepsi.  In my tongue, it's a smooth blend of Pepsi and Sprite.  And it totally works. It’s easy on the throat, so indefinite quantities of this nutrient can vanish at a moment’s notice.  Thank Satan it’s not alcoholic because sweet Lord, I would be in a state of rank crapulence.  I would be dead.  Fucking dead.  Don’t laugh, Malcolm.  It’s not funny.  Full-blown heroin addiction; now that is posh, virtuous clay for comedians. Was this a review?  I’m good at writing, right?  *audible laughter*

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