Here's the thing; I'm not even sure if that advertisement is blazoning a tour from 1992 or a current tour called Summer of '92. I think it's the latter. That's nuts. Hey, En Vogue and Lisa Loeb? I'm down! I remember 1992. Surprisingly, a lot of people - people older than me - don't. More specifically, they don't remember Crystal Pepsi. My own mother couldn't recall one commercial, and I know baby boomers who have never heard of this limpid liquid. How is that possible? I know it was a flop, but you could still find it on shelves as late as 1994. This is where I make my startling confession. I might be coming across as a die-hard who still has original bottles (and cans, just clap your hands) of Crystal Pepsi in his basement. Truth be told, I never had the stuff!
My God, I may have startled myself. Petunia, are you okay? Petunia is the name I gave to my--wow, that's "TMI" territory, ol' buddy! Sorry. I always do that when I'm talking about my penis. Right, I was never fortunate enough to try Crystal Pepsi (or Oh, That Clear Shit?, as it was known colloquially) as a kid. As I plummeted into adulthood, I became a soda epicure. An aficionado? Alright, a specialist at best. Fuck, fine. FINE! I'm a soda junkie. I'm a burnout, a fuckin' space cadet. Poor Petunia is covered in track marks. What, my veins collapsed! I have no clue how a review of Crystal Pepsi took a dark turn this abruptly. What the fuck? I'm going to try to focus on the beverage at hand without branching off and hounding a hideous tangent.
Okay, so I was injecting heroin into my cock and oopsy-daisy...boy, am I a goofball or what? *audible laughter* When I heard the news that Pepsi was bringing their unsung hero back, I was mortally excited. I marked out, bro. Alas, I couldn't find the product late last year, the quarter in which it was supposedly (re)introduced to consumers. Since then, the lawless scuttlebutt has died down. That's probably a hyperbole, but there was serious buzz. Now? A reserved stillness. I was afraid that I had missed the boat until I saw it. "What did you see, Dom? Dom??? God, what's wrong with your legs?!?!? Oh, God!!!" I saw a beautiful display of one-liter bottles containing beautiful Crystal Pepsi.
It tastes like shit. Nah, just kidding. It's glorious! Obviously, I can't tell you if it tastes like the original Crystal Pepsi, but I can tell you that it smells of...Pepsi, basically. But it's not straight Pepsi. In my tongue, it's a smooth blend of Pepsi and Sprite. And it totally works. It’s easy on the throat, so indefinite quantities of this nutrient can vanish at a moment’s notice. Thank Satan it’s not alcoholic because sweet Lord, I would be in a state of rank crapulence. I would be dead. Fucking dead. Don’t laugh, Malcolm. It’s not funny. Full-blown heroin addiction; now that is posh, virtuous clay for comedians. Was this a review? I’m good at writing, right? *audible laughter*
Posted by Dom Coccaro at 11:52 PM