Parts Unknown #14: Raw

This week's Raw was a King of the Ring tournament. There hasn't been one in awhile, so I was looking forward to it. I'm not going to comment on every single match since there is a lot to cover, but suffice to say, the wrestling was solid on all fronts. Well, most fronts.

PROS

~ The Daniel Bryan/Alberto Del Rio match. It was given time and it came to a conclusion via a clean finish. You can't ask for much more than that.

~ Internet smarks are bellyaching over the fact that Cena made yet another appearance last night, but I'll defend Vince's decision to keep his cash cow on Raw. Why? Because it's a cash cow we're talking about here! It makes sense. There were so many idiots that vowed never to watch WWE programming again thanks to Cena's keyfabe release, that if the leader of the Cenation had stayed out of action for a few months, there could have been a ratings dip. It would have been difficult to get those viewers back, especially the younger ones that don't know any better.

~ I predicted that John Morrison would win the tournament and...he didn't. However, he did make it to the finals. Truth be told, I have no problem with Sheamus taking the crown. The royal lineage of Ireland has been fulfilled!

~ The double countout that ended the Ezekiel Jackson/Drew McIntyre match. Both guys came out of it looking strong.

~ What can I say about the bizarro main event? The ending of this match will wind up in the cons section, but I liked how unpredictable the match itself was. Who would have guessed that Jerry "The King" Lawler would be receiving a title shot by the end of the night?

~ Yoshi Tatsu picks up a victory? Yes, I know that it was a tag team match, but still. Tatsu is a cool dude, in my opinion.

~ CM Punk delivered so many golden lines on commentary, that I couldn't possibly pick a favorite. I will say this, though; he makes Diva matches watchable.

~ DiBiase telling Maryse to shut up.

CONS

~ The ending of the TLC match between Jerry "The King" Lawler and The Miz. It made Mizanin look weak. He needed Alex Riley and Michael Cole to keep Lawler from climbing the ladder. That's just bad booking.

~ Santino's fucking serenade. Usually, I find these skits to be humorous, but for lack of a better word, that was dumb.

~ The John Morrison/Alberto Del Rio match was way, way too short.

I listed several pros, but in reality, this episode was underwhelming. I was expecting something a little more epic. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. Raw held my attention for three hours. TNA can't do that. WCW couldn't do that. Hell, most basketball games can't do that, and I'm a big sports fan. Congratulations to King Sheamus!

Geek Out #4

I don't know who this guy is, but I would immolate an orphaned raccoon to have his collection of masks and props. It's not particularly extensive, but that's not the point. I mean, look at it!

Parts Unknown #13: Smackdown

This week, we got four King of the Ring qualifying matches in addition the requisite Diva's match. It wasn't that exciting, but it wasn't bad. It definitely wasn't bad. I don't even remember the last bad Smackdown.

PROS

~ The Kofi Kingston/Jack Swagger match. It lasted around 15 minutes. Swagger was able to get in some good offense, but surprisingly, Kofi picked up the clean win.

~ Hornswoggle killing Swagger's soaring eagle with a bow and arrow. Yes, it was dumb, but it was funny. Was that Rosa Mendes at the dinner table? She looked different. She looked delicious.

~ I liked the way that the Del Rio/Big Show match ended. Show dominated, but he was counted out while socking Alberto's smarmy ring announcer in the kisser. The right guy won the match and retained all of his heat.

~ Drew McIntyre advances to the tournament! Good.

~ The Cody Rhodes/Rey Mysterio match. Since Rey won't be involved in King of the Ring, I'm hoping that a Lucha Libre stand-off will be penciled in for next week's episode between him and Del Rio. Better yet, tease said showdown and book it for TLC.

CONS

~ Kane loves Thanksgiving? He has feelings? Ick! What were they thinking with that promo? Unless he's a face, he shouldn't be anything close to a human being. This feud is beginning to sour.

~ It was great seeing Beth Pheonix back on Smackdown, but why didn't she wrestle? I'm sick of Kelly goddamn Kelly, although she did execute a nice roll-up pin combination.

Well, that's it. There wasn't much to comment on. Again, it was a humdrum episode, but the matches were solid. Until next time...

Fuck Jeff Hardy and his purple fog...

If you'll notice, I didn't review Impact this week. That's because I'm done with TNA! I might still watch it, but I'm sure as hell not reviewing it anymore. For now, I'm just going to review Raw and Smackdown (I'll have that review up tonight, by the way). I may add another show to my wrestling column, but for the time being, I'll be on a strict WWE diet.

I've got something special planned for my wrestling-inclined readers out there (are there any?). I can't say what it is just yet because it may not pan out, but it would be a very cool first for Random Reviews. Stay tuned!

PS-I seriously doubt that TNA will make it another year. Aside from the Knockouts and the tag team division, it's fucking awful.

Deep Red

I can't do it. I've tried, but I just can't do it. I've seen quite a few Argento films now, and each time, I convince myself that I'm going to dig it. But I don't. I was told by a friend that Deep Red was going to be the one to win me over. It has a cool title, and I knew that it would have cool death sequences, but what about the script? The characters? There was nothing to sink my teeth into. Hell, I had to look up spoilers online just to get a grip on the convoluted plot. When it comes to Italian horror cinema, I'm sticking with Fulci and Bava from here on out.

This is a pure giallo. It's about a mysterious killer. That's all they had to write on the back of the DVD. "There's a mysterious killer with black gloves. Someone tries to figure out the identity of the killer. Stuff happens." I've noticed that giallo fans aren't bothered by the cliches of the genre. I am. Seriously, what's the difference between Deep Red and any other flick of this ilk? I don't see the appeal. Yes, it's directed fairly well (the drowning scene is beautifully composed), but I need more meat on the bone than what Argento offers.

The characters are forgettable and the pace is painstakingly sluggish. I could barely stay awake to catch the climax, which was admittedly rousing. So that's it. I'm done with Argento. I think you have to be a certain type of person to jive on this wavelength. That fucking doll was creepy, though.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #12: Raw

After last week's ambitious "old school" Raw, I was expecting this week's episode to be a drab affair. It was anything but drab. We got two title matches, which is rare nowadays. Let's see what happened...

PROS

~ I liked Wade Barrett's opening promo. His brutal self-importance is commanding. At one point, I thought that the crowd was going to start throwing shit into the ring. That, dear reader, is what you call heel presence.

~ The Sheamus/R-Truth match. It was actually longer than five minutes. The High Cross is a horrible finisher, though.

~ Seeing LayCool denied entrance into the arena was quite amusing.

~ Whenever Alex Riley is clobbered by someone, it's going to be listed as a pro. God, I hate that fucking guy. I'm genuinely shocked that he's still employed.

~ I have to hand it to John Cena. His farewell promo was heartfelt, and I chuckled when he instructed the male members of the audience to chant "CENA SUCKS!" The WWE is doing a terrific job tricking children into believing that Cena is really fired.

~ CM Punk on commentary? Yes, please.

~ The match between John Morrison and Tyson "no future as a singles competitor" Kidd was alright, in my book. Morrison is my pick to win the King of the Ring tournament. I'm thinking that he'll be elevated to main event status in the coming months, and it won't be soon enough.

~ The ending. Randy Orton sold his knee injury well and Barrett looked competent. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about The Miz being crowned as the new heavyweight champion, but it was a great idea to have him cash in his briefcase. The crowd reaction shots were priceless.

CONS

~ Not even Natalya can make Alicia Fox look like a professional wrestler. CM Punk made this match bearable.

~ What's with all of the Diva's chasing after their male counterparts? Isn't one love subplot enough? Jeepers.

Believe it or not, those are the only cons I can think of. This was an excellent Raw all around. Next week, the King of the Ring tournament kicks into overdrive with another 3-hour special. I dig.

Paul Bearer is tied up in my basement...

Just thought I'd post a few thoughts on Survivor Series. Overall, I thought it was one of the best PPV's of the year. It was heavy on wrestling and light on talking (for WWE anyway). In my opinion, the bout between Daniel Bryan and Ted DiBiase Jr. for the United States Championship was the match of the night. It wasn't the longest match (I don't think it was even the second longest), but it was seamless and it cast a favorable light on the fortunate son. DiBiase wasn't boring for once. As I said last week, his newfound aggression is a much-needed character tweak.

Surprisingly, the Kane/Edge match was the "bathroom break" portion of the show. It was achingly slow, and the crowd wasn't into it at all. And why was there a draw? Just give Edge the belt. Honestly, I skipped over most of the traditional 5-on-5 elimination tag match. Did anyone give a shit about it? I'm glad that Chris Masters was a part of it, but he didn't even outlast Tyler Reks.

One of my favorite bits was the handicap match between Natalya and LayCool. Why? Because Natty won! Not only that, but Beth fucking Pheonix came out after the match and kicked some ass. Yo, Vince! Beth versus Natalya at Wrestlemania. Make it happen. These two chicks can finally restore credibility to the Diva division.

I'll be back tomorrow with my Raw review. This week, you can expect to see a review of an Argento classic on the site plus the return of The Soda Jerk! Technically, this drink isn't a soda, but fuck it. It's close enough. Later!

Parts Unknown #11: Smackdown

This was a decent build-up show leading into Survivor Series. There were seven matches total. One or two of the matches were a little short, but I'll let the writers slide. The whole point of this episode was to establish momentum going into one of the biggest PPV's of the year, so the focus wasn't on wrestling and wrestling alone.

PROS

~ I'm not a fan of MVP, but one of the things that I love about Smackdown is the fact that you never know who will come out for the opening segment. With Raw, you know that it will be one of three people, but with this fine program, it can be anyone.

~ Edge's bits with Paul Bearer were pretty damn funny. I loved the scene where they "played" dodgeball. In addition, I like how this hostage situation is progressing.

~ The Jack Swagger/Chris Masters match. I was hoping that Masters would win, but at least he looked strong. When is he going to get a legitimate push?

~ Kaval's surprise upset victory over Dolph Ziggler. Ideally, this feud would be halfway developed before a PPV, but I'm just happy that Kaval broke his losing streak and is getting a shot at the Intercontinental Championship.

~ The bout between "Dashing" Cody Rhodes and Kofi Kingston. Match of the night, bar none. Usually, it aggravates me when there are a jillion near-falls, but here, it worked.

~ Kane cried? Yep, he cried. Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly), Glen pulled it off and it didn't feel corny.

CONS

~ The Diva's match. I'm fucking sick of LayCool. Every other tag team has been broken up, so why are these two still together? Individually, I can deal with Layla and Michelle McCool, but as a single unit, they make me want to peel my face off.

~ The Big Show/Tyler Reks match. It seemed awfully pointless. Anything to promote Knuckleball, I guess.

~ The main event was interrupted in favor of an impromptu battle royale. I was actually looking forward to the advertised main event (a showdown between Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio), so I was peeved when the plans were changed.

Survivor Series has the potential to kick all kinds of ass. Will it be worth watching? Hell if I know. If I get a chance to watch it online, I'll share my thoughts on Monday. I'm out!

Parts Unknown #10: Impact

I came close to skipping Impact after last week's abysmal episode, but I'm a merciful soul. I decided to give TNA a chance to redeem itself. This week's show was an improvement, although the bar is still much lower than it should be. Let's see what happened...

PROS

~ The mixed tag match wasn't bad. There have been too many mixed tag matches lately, but the boys saved this one, namely the Buck brothers and Jay Lethal.

~ Jeff Jarrett's MMA demonstration. Growing up, I was never a big fan of Double J, but he's having a blast with his current heel persona and I dug his performance last night. They handled Samoa Joe's run-in pretty well.

~ The Raven/Jeff Hardy match. Raven was able to execute a few nice moves in what was more than likely his last match in the major leagues (if you consider TNA to be a part of the major leagues). Knowing Dixie Carter, she'll probably sign him in two years for yet another "farewell run" along with the rest of the ECW gang.

~ The number one contender's match between Angelina Love and Mickie James. It was a good back-and-forth brawl. Angelina's bizarre encounter with Katie Lea (oops, I mean Winter) after the match was intriguing. What's with the homoerotic undertones? Where the fuck are they taking this character?

CONS

~ Another sappy Dreamer promo. Whatever.

~ The casket match between Abyss and Shannon Moore. Could this shit be any derivative? The match itself was slow and repetitive. I keep waiting for Kane or The Undertaker to come out and destroy Abyss.

~ I hated Brother Ray's promo. I hate this whole storyline. Ray's reason for turning against Devon doesn't even make sense.

~ I can't buy that Ric Flair would dominate Matt Morgan for any longer than two seconds. Jesus, Ric. Retire!

~ Another face turn? The crowd doesn't care about Douglas Williams whether he's a face or a heel.

Again, this episode wasn't as wretched as last week's disaster, but it wasn't that great either. I'm not amused.

Slithis

It's late, and I want to go to bed, but before I retire, I feel the need to jot down a couple of paragraphs about Slithis. Years ago, I would have spent hours writing a detailed review of a movie like this, but there are only so many ways you can describe a cheap b-movie. This one concerns a radioactive mud monster. It doesn't look quite as cool as the creature on the poster, but it's cool enough. According to the IMDb, the rubber suit was sewn onto an actor every day because there were no zippers. I'm not sure why they put so much effort into the construction of the addled humanoid. You can barely see the damn thing.

That may be my biggest gripe here. Slithis is so dark, that I couldn't tell if our mucky monster was killing his victims or if he was fisting them. One death sequence, in particular, is dandified in a red filter. Either that or the editor accidentally dropped the film in cough syrup. This is a talky picture. The boring characters have a lot of boring things to say. We spend way too much time with people who are picked off in the very next scene. Man, Slithis should have been my type of b-flick. It's just bad. It's not good. Can you tell that I'm exhausted? Yeah, Slithis isn't good.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Behemoth - EVANGELIA HERETIKA

Behemoth's frontman, Nergal, was diagnosed with leukemia several months back. The news came as a shock to the metal community. If you're familiar with Nergal's larger-than-life personality, then you know that he seems indestructible. The man is a fucking force of nature. Unsurprisingly, his bellicose attitude did not waver in the face of grave adversity. Could it be that the mouthpiece for Poland's most brutal, apocalyptic death metal band was, dare I say it, inspirational? I'd say so. NOTE: The search for a bone marrow donor ended just recently, as Nergal's doctors found a match. Hopefully, he makes a swift recovery.

This optimistic, overpowering frame of mind emanates from both discs in Evangelia Heretika, a 2-DVD set that sports live footage and telling documentaries that highlight the fierce, unflappable resolve of Behemoth. As a huge fan of this mighty band, I cherished every second of these DVD's. Disc One features two full concerts, a show in Warsaw and a show in Paris. The Warsaw show is the centerpiece of Evangelia Heretika. The sound is perfect, the production values are top-notch, and the setlist hits all of the right spots.

The Paris show is solid, but if you want fancy graphics, a zillion camera angles, and more music to enjoy, the Warsaw show is the way to go. My only complaint is that Nergal's in-between-song chatter isn't subtitled (he speaks English at the Paris show). The documentaries are subtitled, so I don't know why they couldn't translate the anti-Christian rhetoric that Nergal spews from the stage. Speaking of the documentaries, there are two to choose from. One chronicles the travails of life on the road, while the other is more of an all-purpose Behemoth doc. Think Behind the Music, only cooler. Both featurettes are insightful and highly entertaining.

An audio CD of the Warsaw show is also included. If you're not a Behemoth fan, then Evangelia Heretika is just your average metal DVD. If you're like me, then it's a badass addition to the band's catalogue. This will tide me over until Nergal conquers his illness and returns to kick ass alongside Seth, Orion and Inferno. Christians to the lions!

Parts Unknown #9: Raw

Wowzers! That was the best episode of Raw that I've seen since I rediscovered my love for wrestling earlier this year. This wasn't just any Raw, though. It was a 3-hour "old school' special. Vince didn't half-ass this one. I felt like I was watching an episode of WWF Superstars circa 1991. Let's dig into it...

PROS

~ They nailed the set. The metal barricades, the raised platform that "Mean" Gene Okerlund conducted interviews from, the cheesy backdrops in the backstage segments...everything looked fantastic.

~ Remember when a wrestler would deliver a promo in a box in the upper left-hand corner of the screen during a match? They brought that shit back! Yes, I marked out.

~ The Dolph Ziggler/Mark Henry match was better than I thought it would be. Henry's "sexual chocolate" gimmick that he ran with in the Attitude Era was exhumed for this oh-so-special occasion. Brilliant.

~ Harvey fucking Wippleman!

~ The Brooklyn Brawler made Ezekiel Jackson look good. That's why he's regarded as one of the best "enhancement talents" of all time.

~ The skit featuring Santino, Vladimir Koslov, Slick, The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff. I laughed my ass off when they cut The Sheik's mic. I'm surprised that they even invited him, what with him being a total headcase.

~ The tag match between The Uso's (with Jimmy "Supafly" Snuka!) and Santino/Koslov. I'm glad that they're letting Santino work more and more offense into his matches.

~ A match was added to Survivor Series between Sheamus and John Morrison. Wise idea.

~ I loved it when George "The Animal" Steele came out of nowhere and chomped on the turnbuckle. It was completely random.

~ The segment featuring (allow me to take a deep breath here) "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Aksana, Kelly Kelly, Dusty Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Jr., Ted Dibiase Sr., I.R.S., Tatanka (!?), Goldust, "Dashing" Cody Rhodes and Ron Simmons was hysterical. It seems that DiBiase Jr. will be undergoing a character overhaul. I like his new look.

~ The Alberto Del Rio/Sgt. Slaughter match. Man, Slaughter got a huge pop. I enjoyed the cameos by Tito Santana and Chavo Classic.

~ The Mae Young bit was priceless. I never want to see her in her ring attire again, though.

~ It was great listening to J.R.'s play-by-play commentary during the Daniel Bryan/Jack Swagger match. I wanted to shoot Michael Cole in the face. I realize that he's a heel, but I don't understand why the play-by-play guy needs to be a heel. He should stick to covering the action. On the upside, his irritating badinage gave Jerry Lawler ammunition for a few memorable one-liners.

~ Piper's Pit is back! Roddy's promo was amazing. He schooled the entire roster in three minutes. That's how it's done, boys.

~ I relished all of the "old school" logos and the retooled title sequence.

~ "Promotional consideration paid for by the following."

CONS

~ So The Hart Dynasty is finally broken up. I'm still not crazy about this angle. And where was Natalya?

~ Wade Barrett botched a couple of key spots in his match with R-Truth. His backbreaker, in particular, looked brutal for all the wrong reasons. This was his worst outing that I've seen in the WWE.

Overall, this episode of Raw was a fucking blast. I hope that the ratings are high. If not, we may never see a show like this ever again.

Pi

I realize that this is geek sacrilege, but I'm only a casual fan of Darren Aronofsky. Requiem For a Dream didn't blow me away like it did every other fringe cinephile. I happened to love The Wrestler, however, so I do see some of the things that Aronofsky's most vocal admirers see. With regards to Pi, I'm on the fence. I actually think that it would have been more effective if it wasn't so inaccessible. I've never been much for mindfucks. I don't need everything spelled out for me, but as a viewer, I disengage when I feel like the film is just trying to confuse me.

Sean Gullette is fantastic as Max, a man obsessed with numbers. He keeps tabs on the stock market in the hopes of finding patterns in the ceaseless fluctuation of the economy. After a chance meeting with a Rabbi, he is convinced that there exists a number, a formula that underlies life itself. All of the characters are interesting and well-written. None of them come off as thin or trite, even the ones that only show up in two or three scenes. I took a liking to Sol, a former professor that Max once studied under. Mark Margolis's performance is methodically paternal.

The stark black-and-white cinematography stabs at your eyes and the hyperactive editing that Aronofsky is so fond of shuffles your brain cells. Visually, Pi is flawless. By the time it was over, I was paranoid. Unfortunately, the third act lost me. I was frazzled by the bizarre complexities of the script and spent too much time trying to figure them out instead of relating to the themes or the characters. Maybe that's my fault. I didn't feel like I got what I was supposed to get out of the experience. I didn't have much fun either.

In summation, I appreciate Pi for what it is, but I didn't enjoy it as much as other genre loons did. I can't imagine myself ever watching it again. I wonder if my violent hatred for mathematics is factoring into my ambivalence. Either way, someone tell Rachel Weisz that I'm available and give her my number.

Parts Unknown #8: Smackdown

No time for chit-chat. Let's get right into it...

PROS

~ Strong opening that solidifies Edge as the top face on Smackdown. I hate to disrupt the chronological order of this review, but I want to jump ahead and commend the "kidnapping" of Paul Bearer. It was a cool way to shake things up. The championship bout between Edge and Kane is shaping up to be the highlight of Survivor Series.

~ The Alberto Del Rio/Kofi Kingston match. Hey, TNA! This is what an opening match looks like. And I didn't even have to sit through 45 minutes of mewling promos to see it!

~ The Natalya/Layla match. These two lovely ladies were actually given a decent amount of time. I've said it before; I'll say it again. If Natalya doesn't win the Diva belt, I'll be positively incensed.

~ The lumberjack match between Edge and David Otunga. Edge had to carry this match for it to work, but at least it worked. Loved the ending. Again, I'm really digging the way that Edge's feud with Kane is playing out.

~ The main event. I already touched on the ending, but it's worth repeating. Crafty storytelling.

~ Finlay sighting!

CONS

~ The MVP/Dolph Ziggler match was entertaining, but I was hoping that either Vickie or Kaitlyn would pop up. Is the love triangle officially dead? In my opinion, Kaitlyn should be Dolph's new valet.

~ Why was Goldust one of the lumberjacks? Has he been traded from Raw to Smackdown? An explanation would have been nice.

As you can see, I enjoyed this week's episode of Smackdown. There were only five matches, but I'd rather have five quality matches than seven or eight throwaways. I'll be back tomorrow with a movie review.

Parts Unknown #7: Impact

Ugh...

PROS

~ Not applicable.

CONS

~ Dear God, this was a terrible episode. First of all, the 20-minute opening segment was laughable. There were four or five instances where someone's music would start playing and that person would walk out and deliver a promo. Keep in mind, that was after 10 minutes of bullshit inside of the ring.

~ Jeff Hardy's "custom" belt. Are you fucking serious? It looks like something The Joker would have cobbled together in the 1989 Batman.

~ The mixed tag match. It wasn't a match. Basically, all of the matches were boring. I was disgusted.

~ The Team 3D swerve was so pointless and predictable. Does Vince Russo have a "swerve quota" to meet? Unbelievable.

Fuck it. I'm done with this week's Impact. If next week's episode doesn't show any improvement, I'm going to drop TNA from this column. Maybe I can start reviewing MTV2's lucha libre promotion.

Geek Out #3

I remember my mom putting one of these in my lunch box in 3rd Grade. Christ, it was delicious.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #6: Raw

This week's episode of Monday Night Raw left a bland taste in my mouth. I don't feel strongly about it one way or the other. I didn't love it and I didn't hate it. That said, I do have a few opinions on what went down last night.

PROS

~ The opening segment was too long, but it was well-acted. I have finally warmed up to Wade Barrett. He's one of the best heels in the WWE, and while Cena's reluctant tenure in The Nexus bored me at first, I'm starting to appreciate it.

~ The Uso's picked up a win! These second-generation high-flyers should be the next tag champs. Aside from The Dudebusters (the most underutilized tag team in professional wrestling), The Uso's are my favorite pairing in the WWE. Drop Tamina (she can be Santino's valet) and place the belts on the waists of these sly Samoans.

~ It looks like David Otunga is on his way out of The Nexus. Good. He's terrible on the mic. I don't see myself ever liking this guy.

~ The Goldust/Ted DiBiase Jr. match. It's reassuring to see Goldust dominate one last feud. His botched wedding with Aksana on NXT and all of her craziness is an amusing angle to have on the side.

~ I enjoyed the Cena/Otunga match, although I'm probably the only one. At least Cena is expanding his moveset.

~ The main event. Lots of action.

~ Again, I'm probably the only one, but I thought that Santino's tea party was hilarious. I can't believe that Koslov earned his very own chant. Is this program wasting everything that Sheamus brings to the table as a performer? Yes, but I'm hoping that we'll get a sick match out of it between the human jar of mayonnaise and John Morrison at Survivor Series. Make it happen, Vince!

CONS

~ Speaking of Vince, where the hell was he? Now that he's out of his coma, I want him back on Raw laying down the law!

~ The Diva's match...was a Diva's match. Alicia Fox needs to be canned.

~ If you're going to break up The Hart Dynasty, then do it already. They've been dancing around it for a month now. Shit's old.

~ No surprises, no twists, hardly any storyline advancement...I expected more this close to Survivor Series.

I listed more pros than cons, but overall, this was a dull episode. Still, I was entertained for two hours. Next week's Raw will be a 3-hour "old school" special. I can't wait!

Random Thoughts

1) Watch AMC's The Walking Dead every Sunday night. I presume that most of you are already watching this show, but if you're not, you're missing out on the best pure horror show that basic cable has seen since...well, I can't think of many other pure horror shows before this one. You could say The X-Files, but that was geared towards the sci-fi crowd.

2) This will be an exciting month for Random Reviews. Expect to see a new edition of The Soda Jerk and the debut of a column that focuses on snack food. I'm not quite sure what to call it, so let me know if you have any ideas.

3) I haven't been able to buy a lot of CD's lately, but I hope to post a few metal reviews by the end of the month.

4) I still feel like shit, but I'm feeling a little bit better than I did over the weekend. I'll be back tomorrow with my review of tonight's Monday Night Raw.

5) Click HERE to check out a band called Tribulation. They're a "horror thrash" outfit based in Sweden. Good stuff.

Parts Unknown #5: Smackdown

This edition of Parts Unknown will be short and simple, as I feel like shit. I think I'm coming down with the flu.

PROS

~ The Edge/Alberto Del Rio match was quality stuff. I would expect nothing less from these two performers.

~ Dolph Ziggler's beatdown on JTG. I like the fact that Dolph toyed with him and prolonged the match when he could have ended it sooner. Now THAT is how a heel works a match.

~ The three-way dance for a shot at Ziggler's Intercontinental Championship. I'm surprised that MVP won.

~ The 20-minute main event. This is why I love Smackdown. The main events actually feel like main events.

CONS

~ The Vickie/Kaitlyn match. Seriously?

~ David Otunga should never be given that much time on the mic. Needless to say, I'm not a fan.

~ Why are they pushing Tyler Reks over Chris Masters? Their Superstars rematch was decent, but Masters should have picked up the victory.

All in all, Smackdown was rock solid. The Vickie/Kaitlyn anti-match nearly crippled the first hour, but the second hour picked up steam. Oh, and I detest Theraflu. That's the last fucking time I force that swill down my throat.

Parts Unknown #4: Impact

This week's Impact sucked. I guess I should be a little more verbose.

PROS

~ The mixed tag team match. I'm a big fan of all six people (especially Tara and Shannon Moore), and they did not disappoint. I like the way the girls were utilized. This was easily the match of the night.

~ I did like the ending. Matt Morgan has been penciled into the main event at Turning Point, and even though he probably won't win, I'm glad that he's in the title picture.

CONS

~ The Sarita/Velvet Sky match. Velvet is sexier than a human being has any right to be, but here, she was exposed as a sloppy wrestler. She was so stiff and telegraphed. Wrestling shouldn't look as fake as this match did. She needs Angelina Love at her side to make her look halfway competent.

~ The three-way match for the TV Championship. It was too short. Plain and simple.

~ The one-minute main event. You heard me. The main event lasted ONE MINUTE before Abyss grabbed an audience member. By the way, this whole deal with Abyss going after the fans is fucking ridiculous. Again, wrestling shouldn't look fake. It's too obvious that the audience members are plants. Any moron could figure that out. Does TNA expect viewers to believe that Abyss would wail on three or four schmucks in the audience without paying any consequences? Good Good.

~ Didn't Jeff Jarrett cut the exact same promo last week? Gee, I wonder if he's going to apologize to Samoa Joe. Give me a break.

~ Does every faction need to have internal strife? The Kazarian/Douglas Williams match wasn't bad, but it shouldn't have been booked in the first place. The dissension in EV2 is nauseating enough.

I'm done. Smackdown is coming on soon. In my Raw review, I said that it was the worst wrestling show on television, but after watching this week's Impact, I'm not so sure anymore. It truly sucked.

See No Evil

Ever since The Undertaker's brother, Kane, was introduced to the WWE, I've been a fan of the big lug. I'm not just a fan of Kane; I'm a fan of Glen Jacobs, the man who has played Kane for thirteen years now. I gained more respect for him when I found out that he was a soft-spoken Libertarian. Not because of his political beliefs, but because I realized how good of an actor he was when I saw him out of character. He's no monster outside of the ring. So I wanted to check out See No Evil, a slasher that I managed to sidestep. It's pretty good/bad.

The plot concerns Jacob Goodnight, a maniac who stalks troubled youths in a dilapidated hotel. That's the plot we're given. This is a matter-of-fact genre cheapie. There are barely any subplots, and the film wastes no time getting straight to the action. Stylistically, See No Evil is formidable. Director Gregory Dark is up to the challenge, infusing the imagery with quick cuts and transversal camera angles. Everything has a "music video" look to it. This is forgivable, seeing as how Dark has helmed music videos in the past. And porn.

The polished visuals are countered by pitiful acting. I hated the cast, I hated the characters, and I hated the dialogue. Basically, I hated every person in front of the camera aside from Mr. Jacobs (who is credited as Kane for some fucking reason). I hated what they did, I hated what they said, I hated...well, you get the point. God, I enjoyed the death sequences. The gore is plentiful. After dispatching one of the many idiots at his disposal, our villain wrenches their eyeballs out with his bare hands. Gnarly.

I could see the twist ending coming from light years away, but in all honesty, it didn't sour the viewing experience. I actually dug See No Evil. It has a one-track mind like any featherweight slasher should, and as much as I reviled the "actors" in attendance, I would choose this flick over Hollywood's latest remake any day. Still, I can't give it any more than two-and-a-half Z'Dar's. My rating scale is relative, and I have a reputation to think about, y'know. Wait. No, I don't.

Geek Out #2

The reason why this is a Geek Out is because The Night Flier is one of my favorite films of all time. Apparently, the whole thing is on YouTube, but you're better off buying the DVD. Don't ask questions. Just buy it.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #3: Raw

Ah, Monday Night Raw. I recently bought The Best of Raw: Seasons 1 & 2, and I couldn't believe how much fun this show used to be. It's probably just nostalgia, but man, those early episodes were highly entertaining. Plus, the matches were usually grade-A material. Nowadays, we're lucky to get one good match on Raw. Every once in awhile, the creative team (which now includes Freddie Prinze Jr.) will surprise me, but for the most part, this is my least favorite wrestling show on television. Let's see what happened this week...

PROS

~ Pee-Wee Herman is our guest host for the evening! His skits weren't actually that funny, but I still enjoyed seeing him. Hopefully, WWE will put this "guest host" business to bed.

~ Lita's cameo. Wow. I sincerely hope that this leads to her resigning with the company. I hated the way that she was written out of the WWE universe, and let's face it, the Diva division could use her right now.

~ Okay, I'll admit it; Santino's shtick is humorous. "I will throw up...on your faaaace."

~ Ezekiel Jackson's squash match. Normally, I impugn short matches, but this one had a purpose to serve. Props to Zack Ryder for selling like a champ.

~ The Show/Miz match was decent. Internet fans rag on Show's in-ring capabilities, but I like him. For someone his size, he's a passable wrestler.

~ The Vinnie Mac segment. It was kind of ridiculous, but I'm interested in seeing where this goes. And Stephanie is still smoking hot.

CONS

~ The tag match. Why on Earth are they breaking up The Hart Dynasty? Isn't the tag division weak enough? Add that to the fact that The Gatecrashers have parted ways over on Smackdown, and you've got yourself one pathetic tag team division.

~ I'm tired of the Cena/Nexus stuff. I don't dislike it, but I don't give a fuck about it either.

~ Another "blah" Diva's match. If Natalya doesn't win the strap at Survivor Series, I'm going to rape someone.

And that's it. That's it? Huh, this episode wasn't so bad.