Five. Counting Season of the Witch, the Halloween franchise has five timelines. Which one is considered canon? Well, I guess the current docket would have 2018's Halloween listed as the second chapter in the official series, following the original. This is cinematic perjury. I mean, I'm pissed off. Hollywood doles out these psychologically ruinous falsehoods (i.e. movies) that are shifty and isochronal in nature. You know what they are? Those producer types? Those suits? Wascally wabbits! I didn't want to use that kind of language, but here we are. My biggest problem with this Halloween flick is the fact that it exists. Seriously, will any horror icon be able to rest in peace?
I tried to judge this film on its own merits. It wasn't easy. In my opinion, the 106 minutes of digital celluloid attempting to pass itself off as the "real" sequel to Carpenter's humble classic were no more dignified than Jamie Lee's endorsements for Activia. She can sell yogurt, but she cannot peddle an autumnal slasher whose success hinges on the theory that the viewer will efface their memories of ten entire motion pictures. I get it; I'm dwelling on minutiae. Hear me out! The sibling dynamic between Laurie and Michael that served as the backbone of this saga? Gone.
I realize that Carpenter never envisioned a link tying The Shape to his victims. No motive. Just evil. But if any residue from the sequels actually clabbered as canon, it was the revelation that Laurie was Luke's father. Hardy har-har, but no, hear me out (again). What if George Lucas sanctioned a sequel to Star Wars that negated Darth Vader's pedigree? Maybe it turns out that Luke's daddy is goddamn Chewbacca. You're telling me that wouldn't bother you? Granted, it's a different set of circumstances, but is it really? I need to change the subject. For me, it was important to illustrate where I'm coming from in relation to the Akkads' handiwork.
For the record, my favorite entry is Halloween II. The first Halloween II (urg)! I'm not sure where this episode will rank, but it's more than serviceable. My nerd rage did not blind me to verifiable truth. Director David Gordon Green crafted himself an attractive genre package. At times, the wrapping paper bests its contents, but that's bound to happen when you're dealing with the copper sunlight of fall and the lovingly garish kitsch of Halloween decorations. The shots of Mikey walking amongst trick-or-treaters are a spruce callback to the original. Y'know, THE original.
The acting is solid. I'm honestly surprised that Curtis agreed to tackle the project. I'm not seeing what she saw, but her performance is murderously firm. Derivative of Linda Hamilton and Sigourney Weaver? Maybe, but character-wise, she has earned her "badass bitch" stripes. Andi Matichak is bland as Allyson. She's adequate, but she isn't terribly memorable, and I thought her rapport with Laurie could have been explored. In regards to the interplay between roles, I'll be lenient, as this is the first part of a trilogy. I'm nervous.
Other stuff I dug...the gore (kudos for the head explosion), the score, and the brutal death of an innocent child (I need to start seeing a therapist). Stuff that rubbed me the wrong way...the "new" Loomis (his homicidal tendencies were way out of character), the vapid ancillary players, and THE FACT THAT THIS THING EXISTS. And yet, I liked 2018's Halloween. Will Halloween Kills kill me? Thanks to Peacock, it won't be long before I find out. Just in case, tell my wife that she's a whore.
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