Blood Capsule #135

DANCE MACABRE (1992)

On its face, this is a utilitarian, barely-there slasher, but writer/director Greydon Clark (did I learn nothing from Uninvited?) and star Robert Englund (especially Robert Englund) want you to think it's something a little more upscale, a little more epicurean, a little more "art house."  Synopsis mode...engage!  A spunky girl is accepted at a plush ballet academy.  The school is run by two people, ostensibly a couple.  One of them is Robert Englund; the other...goddamn it.  The other is Robert Englund in a dress (and wheelchair), but we aren't supposed to know that it's Robert Englund.  She looks like Freddy in drag, but we aren't supposed to know that it's Robert Englund.  His features couldn't be more distinct, but we aren't supposed...

...I wish I could type this entire audit in all caps.  Folks, Dance Macabre hinges on its laughable twist ending.  It doesn't offer anything else, apart from liberal measures of bawdy nudity.  The death sequences are dry.  Acting-wise, everyone is theatrical, though I suppose that's appropriate.  The pacing is rheumatoid-arthritic, which I cannot forgive.  And the fucking ending!  We.  Aren't.  Supposed.  To.  Know.  It's.  Robert.  Englund.  I swear to Papa Smurf, this movie made my cholesterol go up.

My Bandcamp "Collection"

Do you buy music?  I do.  Yes, a part of me still lives in 1995, but beyond nostalgia, I try to support bands where I can.  Usually, this manifests as merch.  I can only own so many kvlt t-shirts, though.  A solid 2023 way to support cool bands is to download their music on Bandcamp.  The funds go directly to the artists and the prices are almost always fair (some records are free).

No, I'm not being paid to advertise Bandcamp or any particular band.  I just wanted to talk about the stuff I downloaded as recently as yesterday.  DOM FACTOID: I can't use my hands, so when it comes to music, it's easy (and preferable) to simply ask Alexa to play a certain album.  I'm routinely shocked by the obscure metal that my Amazon Music Unlimited plan has the ability to access.  Unfortunately, I listen to a lot (like, A LOT) of bands that I can't fucking pronounce!  For those special circumstances (and for shit that Alexa can't/won't play), I download the record in question.  As a sidenote, I do buy tapes and CD's as well.  Just because.

My bandcamp collection is vast.  Voluminous even!  My hard drive contains five (5) entire albums of recorded sound.  I know.  Pick your jaw up from the floor.  Here's what I jam on the ol' laptop...

HAVUKRUUNU - KUU ERKYLAN YLLA

Havukruunu play wintry black metal that goes down smooth like a Norwegian brume lurking between treetops.  This is an EP, though it runs for nearly half an hour.  It does approach "viking" territory, but I won't hold that against anyone.

PAN-AMERIKAN NATIVE FRONT - LITTLE TURTLE'S WAR

It's official; Native American black metal is a thing (has been for awhile), and this is one of the best examples of it that I've been able to find.

ABYSSAL - DENOUEMENT

I've been an Abyssal advocate for a few years now.  The U.K.-based project churns out uber-heavy death metal that compresses your vital organs and fucks out your eyeballs.  This is their debut, which might be my favorite.  Be sure to check out the rest of their discography.

SHORES OF NULL - QUIESCENCE

Alice in Chains-flavored doom.  Need I say more?

WAMPYRINACHT - NIGHT OF THE DESECRATION

This is one of (too) many albums that I forgot to include in my year-end list.  Wampyrinacht dabble in marginally psychedelic black metal that boasts a decent amount of frenetic soloing.  I've only listened to this sick puppy once, but it obviously kills.

Blood Capsule #134

THE CROW: SALVATION (2000)

This isn't the most fortunate series.  If the tragedy that befell the set of 1994's The Crow wasn't bad enough, City of Angels was an impotent clinker that kicked everyone while they were down.  And then you have Salvation.  By all accounts, this is a step in the right direction, but it was relegated to video shelves by Miramax.  No one watched it, not even yours truly (until now, though it would be funny if I still hadn't watched it...best review ever?).  Salvation is dressed up like The Crow, but it's bereft of key elements - cinematic minutiae, really - that made the original an impeccable allocation of celluloid.  For starters, the villains are miserable.  They are too easy to spot (zero surprises here) and too generic to remember.

Secondly, the soundtrack is a pale imitation of the songs from the first movie.  Am I just nostalgic for 1994?  Maybe, but I'm just as nostalgic for 2000.  These tracks don't act as emotional adhesive the way that those tracks did.  The Crow was completed by its musical accompaniment; this flick has a product that it wants to sell you.  Despite my vigorous negativity, I was able to extract some enjoyment out of Salvation.  The leads are on point.  Eric Mabius and Kirsten Dunst are expressly efficacious as Alex (the victim's undead suitor) and Erin (the victim's sister), respectively.  I wanted the bad guys to fry, which is what matters at the end of the day.  Considering the film's direct-to-discount-bin status, you could rent much worse on a weeknight.  Hell, you could rent The Crow: Wicked Prayer!

Album Cover of the Whatever

The latest from Texas bruisers Imprecation - In Nomine Diaboli - looks diseased.  Musically, it's busy, chunky death metal of the highest order.  Do check it out.

Rassle Inn #35

So I'm watching AEW Dark (because I'm bored) and who do I see?  Kenny Omega.  Yep, he wrestled on Dark.  To be more specific, he wrestled what should have been a short squash against one of his pals from his jejune days in DDT.  Instead, it was competitive.  I can hear Jim Cornette crying now.  There were a dozen false finishes, the offense was split down the middle, and while I didn't have a stopwatch handy, the match felt ten minutes long.  For those of you playing at home, that's roughly nine minutes too long.  Omega is a former champion, and I'm not talking about one of the eleven midcard belts.  Why is he being tested on the YouTube show?

Of course, it's incredibly rare for a star name to appear on Dark.  Two short years ago, the show was actually worth watching.  Remember that Dark?  The format changed "due to the pandemic," but I call bullshit.  It didn't need to change at all.  As it exists right now, the paltry presentation is a breeding ground for jobbers.  Comma!  Which brings me to Action Andretti.  In what universe is an arena full of fans chanting "let's go, jobber" a good thing for the wrestling business?  You can't appeal to smart marks only AND broaden your potential audience.

And let's not kid ourselves; Chris Jericho was giving himself the rub.  Listen to any interview with the gasbag and you'll infer why he did the job last Wednesday night.  He enjoys telling us that he saw something special in that young bloke.  By the way, this method of getting someone over has worked once in thirty years.  I'm sorry, but Action Andretti is not the 1-2-3 Kid.  Completely different crowd, completely different set of circumstances, completely different Dom...I'm fucking jaded now and maybe a little pissed that AEW is no longer an upstart company threatening to depose an evil empire.  You had one shot, Tony.  You also had one chance to make a first impression and too many people chose to turn the channel.

Wow, I'm super pessimistic today.  Sorry.  I'll try to write something positive next time.  It's just that...well, I don't think I want to admit that I prefer WWE's product.  "They" are the Yankees.  I despise the Yankees!  Aaron Judge seems like a nice guy, though.

Possessor

It has been several leap years since David Cronenberg has touched "body horror," much to the chagrin of weird cinephiles everywhere (no judgment; I'm including present company).  Well, my fellow weirdos, fret no more.  The abstruse auteur has a son, and predictably enough, this dude nails the cold, intellectual sub-subgenre that his father made infamous.  2020's Possessor redefines "high-concept."  You'll have to hold my hand during this synopsis.  A plain-looking woman named Vos is employed as a contract killer, only she doesn't do the killing.  With the assistance of extremely Cronenbergian technology, she "becomes" someone else (my apologies for the excessive use of quotation marks).  Are you still holding my hand?

Vos possesses the mind and body of Colin Tate, a servile drudge stuck in a thankless job that requires him to spy on people and describe their furniture.  I'm not joking.  One case finds him recounting the blinds and curtains behind an amorous couple.  "Grommet pleat," he outlines as they grind in venereal bliss.  Have I mentioned that this is a strange film?  At any rate, Vos's assignment is to clash with his boss, murder his girlfriend (the boss's daughter), and finally, commit suicide.  Needless to say, there is more to the story, but I'm only human.  Brandon Cronenberg, on the other hand...eh, the jury's out.

I should note right up front that Brandon is capably dexterous behind the camera.  I was also bedazzled by Matthew Hannam's purposeful editing that doesn't leave anything to chance.  Blink and you will literally miss something.  Back to Brandon.  He relays visual information in such a way that it doesn't overwhelm the viewer.  Possessor isn't just a string of plot points, however.  There is a certain warmth to his characters that is frankly missing from The Brood and Dead Ringers, as much as I love dear ol' Dad's track record.  Before your plonker recedes into your pelvis, I'm not trying to suggest that he's a better director than David fucking Cronenberg.  Calm down.

The cast is pliable.  Folks like Christopher Abbott and a nearly unrecognizable Jennifer Jason Leigh had to be able to express a wide array of emotions in incredibly awkward scenarios (Abbott more so), and it shouldn't surprise you to learn that they triumphed in their respective roles.  On the special effects front, they are beautifully gruesome.  Certain shots are downright objectionable.  CGI could have been used as a crutch, but I didn't spot much digital frippery.  Yeah, I think I loved Possessor.  And not for nothing, but the final line of the script is ingenious.  Stream this sumbitch pronto.  I do believe that it's available on Amazon Prime, so unless you have a dial-up modem, you have no excuse.

     

Geek Out #159

WARNING: I'm about to blab about Patreon.  But only to promulgate the fact that my patrons receive cool stuff.  The lowest tier is $3.  Higher tiers will net you free nerd items on a monthly basis.  Here is an actual quote from an actual patron...

"Thanks for goodies!  Easily like $20 in value in the lot.  You shouldn't have!" - John 'Ike Oden' Doe

I may or may not have gifted this person a copy of Shakma within his care package.  See?  We're talking gold here.  Gold!

MARILYN MANSON - Antichrist Superstar

I feel old.  I mean, I feel my thirty-eight years of existence in the fissures of my bones every day, but I feel especially old writing this review.  This generation, man...does this generation have rock stars?  I'm not embellishing when I assert that my generation may have been the last to engage in apotheosis, to deify and venerate musicians to inappropriate levels of reverence.  In the hard rock genre.  See, that's an important identifier to add.  "Kids" love rappers and social media influencers, but the true rock star went the way of VHS.  In my estimation, Marilyn Manson was the last troubadour from our side of the tracks to rebel and push against the grain of popular culture.

There are several reasons why 1996's Antichrist Superstar is letter-perfect.  It was his breakout album, but conceptually, it focuses on the kind of rock star I opened by talking about.  If you're a fan, I'm not turning you onto anything.  You already know that this record operates on multiple levels.  On the surface, it's a selection of mucky, begrimed industrial rock strains that kiss the periphery of heavy metal.  And make no mistake.  These are not songs; they are strains.  There is a palpable pain that gurgles underneath all sixteen tracks.  Manson has a way of making his mole hills into grandiose, near-histrionic mountains.  It doesn't come off as melodramatic, though.  This muck, this grime...it's genuine.

On a deeper level, Antichrist Superstar ropes in everything from astrology to numerology.  I'll leave that kind of dissection to the zealots (suddenly, "Mister Superstar" springs to mind).  Shall I jump to the actual tunes?  "Irresponsible Hate Anthem" is an aural blister abrasive enough to mummify any and all soccer moms.  I still remember hearing "The Beautiful People" on the radio for the first time.  I didn't love it or hate it; my head simply bobbed along to Zim Zum's swing riff.  Nowadays, I recognize it as a dactylic chunk of Reznor-tinted songcraft.

I haven't mentioned Trent, but for what it's worth, the production is faultless.  Supposedly, the two bullheads clashed in the studio, but you honestly can't tell.  "Tourniquet" is an exquisite mid-paced 90's rocker.  "Cryptorchid" is unnerving (yes, the Begotten-themed video is brilliant).  "Angel With the Scabbed Wings" sports a riff so heavy, that when I referenced a thesaurus to find the right word for it, I was told by the spirit of Peter Mark Roget to go fuck myself.  "Minute of Decay" is plaintive, balancing out the record's chaos with a tad of pathos.  Actually, there is plenty of pathos, starting with the wistfully tragic "Man That You Fear."

I don't have much else to say.  No, really.  Antichrist Superstar is just a great slab of music.  In fact, it's so great, that even the session leftovers hold merit.  Listen to "Apple of Sodom" or "The Suck for Your Solution."  This will always be the zenith of Mr. Manson's accomplishments, and someone needs to tell him that.

    

What's with all the blood capsules?

As you may (or may not) have noticed, my last few movie reviews have been Blood Capsules.  Why?  The easy answer is that they are less stressful to pump out and seasonal depression (on top of the chronic stuff) has taken its toll on me.  You can expect more capsules for the time being, although I could "snap out of it" at any point.  My mind keeps me on my toes.  It's worth noting that this only applies to movie reviews.  I haven't forgotten about a certain discography review that needs to be reckoned with.

Blood Capsule #133

THE MURDER MANSION (1972)

I've never been a giallo type of guy.  Ironic, seeing as how I'm one-fourth Italian (my true genealogy is probably more on the pallid side, but that's neither here nor there).  I mention it because Shudder decided to upload a tidy spate of the spaghetti slashers, and while no one held a water pistol to my head, I took the plunge with one of the lurid titles.  Good heavens, where do I begin?  How about I start with the stuff I enjoyed?  The score is killer, the sets are divine (that's precisely how an unearthly, mist-wreathed cemetery should look), and when the horror hits, the pace accelerates to the point where you can feel the victims' collective pulse pound through your streaming device of choice.

Regrettably, we are left with a murder mystery as convoluted as...um, my similes are failing me.  I'll just be forthright and admit that I couldn't follow the damn plot.  There is a document that needs to be signed, a seemingly sebaceous inheritance waiting to be collected, a randy motorist, a phantom chauffeur, a covey of vixens (whose naughty bits remain veiled from sight), a blinking eye (don't ask), and worst of all, an ending that ruins any chances of supernatural horseplay from happening.  That's right; The Murder Mystery is a 90-minute episode of Scooby-Doo.  Lame.  But as I admonished you, I'm not the target demographic.  I swear that I'm part-Italian, though.  You should see me raze a bowl of rigatoni.

A Band: The Antichrist Imperium

Remember Akercocke?  If not, they were (are?) five well-dressed gentlemen from London, England who delivered face-ripping, yet avant-garde death metal directly to your doorstep.  In 2017, they released Renaissance in Extremis, their first set of new material in a full decade.  It has been radio silence ever since.  Drop that noose because I have good news.  Akercocke is still around!  Kinda.  Maybe.  I should explain.

The Antichrst Imperium is an intriguing project based out of London, England featuring two members of Akercocke (including snake-armed drummer David Gray).  And boy, do they sound a fucking lot like Akercocke.  Look, I'm not repining over a contentious case of plagiarism, but the similarities are there.  Both bands give you hyperblasting death metal (Gray is a goshdarn gunsmith, if you'll excuse the language), ghostly clean vocals, and lyrical...no, silvery (!) keyboards that recall 80's goth/new wave.  The two groups are identical on tape.

Normally, I'd bloviate more about the music, but this edition of A Band is centered on facts.  FACT: Akercocke rules.  FACT: The Antichrist Imperium rules.  FACT: I forgot to count their third long player - III: Satan in His Original Glory - among my list of the top records of 2022.  FACT: That makes me a loggerhead.  FACT: I recommend starting with II: Every Tongue Shall Praise Satan.  FACT: These guys really, really dig Satan.

Blood Capsule #132

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022)

Am I the only one in favor of a moratorium on Christmas-themed horror films?  At least until we make it out of 2022?  There are multiple other yuletide shockers vitiating screens - both big and small - with subverted Holiday...cheer?  Whatever you want to call it, it's only halfway successful in Christmas Bloody Christmas.  The film begins as a self-aware put-on (thanks, but no thanks), but shit gets serious when a robotic Santa Claus goes on the blink.  Y'know, kerflooey.  The horror elements will dance before your eyes; the gore is squishy and the sets drown in variegated colors that establish an optimal amount of atmosphere.

Unfortunately, the obnoxious characters prattle on far too long before they are extinguished.  The script writes them as horror/metal nerds, and while I'm sure intentions are pure, the dialogue comes across as patronizing at times.  Speaking of the dialogue, it feels like dialogue.  The acting is serviceable, but I can't empathize with your starlet just because she worships Motorhead.  I'm being a buzzkill, huh?  This flick is redeemable, mainly on the strength of its special effects.  So I didn't detest it.  Leave your coal in someone else's stocking.

Top 5 Albums of 2022

EDIT: Sorry for the tiny image.  Whelp.  Anyway...

I'm still besmithered (yes, I made up a word) by anxiety and the obsidian reaches of depression, so lower your expectations immediately.  Also, without sounding too dramatic (too late), 2022 has been the worst year of my adult life.  It's a landslide, folks.  I only mention bullshit to stress that my ability to receive metal was compromised in the last twelve months.  Like, literally.  I was out of commission for two of those months, entirely unplugged from the rest of the world.  You can only play catch-up so much, you dig?  I should thank my mother for playing songs on her phone in the hospital, as these were not songs that she would normally stream.

It's true.  I previewed then-upcoming albums from Deathwhite and Wachenfeldt from a bed of institutionalized convalescence.  The other music on this list...my comments will be curt and crisp.  I didn't spend as much time with music as I would have liked.  Really, 2022 was just fog.  Dope fog.  Read into that description as you will.

5) Behemoth - Opvs Contra Natvram: I'm surprised that this record was so divisive, what with it being a creamy admixture of the kind of igneous noise that Nergal and the gang are known for.  The overcast, disconsolate black metal pairs well with blocks of death metal din.  And the leads!  Nergal is one of the more underrated solo players out there, in my opinion.

4) Moonlight Sorcery - Piercing Through the Frozen Eternity: This is an EP, but I don't care.  If you want icy, well-calculated black metal with a melodic bent, listen to this fucker.

3) Wachenfeldt - Faustian Reawakening: How in the hell is this Swedish project obscure?  Okay, I suppose I understand that not everyone is up on Scandinavian extremity, but holy Hostess snack cakes, this thing is a killer.  Beefed-up blackened death metal with plenty of "catchy" to spare.  Seek out the debut as well.

2) Deathwhite - Grey Everlasting: I've praised these doomsters before.  Their solemn hymns of...well, doom just speak to me on a gut level.  Sample "Formless."

1) Messa - Close: Italian doom with a redheaded siren singing you to your watery grave.  Hints of blues, world music, and even basic hard rock abound.  Here again, I've praised them before, but that hardly matters now.  Doom wins!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Queensryche - Digital Noise Alliance

Kvaen - The Great Below

Lord Belial - Rapture

Inexorum - Equinox Vigil

Album Cover of the Whatever

Eye-catching, no?  I had never heard of the UK-based Abduction, but this is a supremely wicked blast of black metal.

Blood Capsule #131

HALF-CASTE (2004)

This is where I divulge that I nodded off during parts of today's review subject.  Shouldn't that disqualify me from proffering my impressions of said film?  Yes, but I say we sally forth.  I'm at a point in my life where I need divine inspiration, and Half-Caste, the lone credit for everyone involved, did not provide a wellspring of creative impulses.  The plot finds an assemblage of filmmakers gallivanting around South Africa in search of a half-human/half-leopard, an urban legend that may prove to be a bellwether for deathly...oh, forget it.  The movie doesn't bother cultivating menace, so why should I?

The horrid truth is that this is an early stab at "found footage" fright fare.  It doesn't work because - excuse me while I crack my knuckles - the characters are execrable (not to mention hard to tell apart in the case of our two male leads), the special effects are lacking (even in the pitch of night), and the tenuous subplots wouldn't arrest a bloodied freak in an orange jumpsuit.  That's a miserable metaphor, but like I said, Half-Caste didn't give me much material.  I wouldn't want my name associated with a review of the project, much less the project itself.