ARACHNIA (2003)
If I wasn't such a forgiving horror freak, I would start this review by referring to Brett Piper as a joke of all trades. Only one problem with that assessment...this dude is no joke. Shame on the carping critics over on IMDb. If you weren't privy, Piper wrote and directed Arachnia. In addition, he spearheaded the special effects department, a weighty task undertaken on nearly all of his films. Color me impressed. He isn't the first artisan to wear multiple hats on the set of a b-circus, but he may have been the first to utilize stop-motion animation when it would have been easier (not to mention more cost-effective) to take the rubbery route. I often wish my parents would have taken the rubbery route. Hey-o! Here is the synopsis you ordered. Actually, now would be a good time for a paragraph break.
Still with me? So a plane goes down amidst a flurry of meteorites. The survivors of the crash hole up in a deserted house adjacent to a cowshed of sorts. The owner of the property has a gun and a well-preserved spider corpse. Those two things are not related, but I should mention that the spider is the size of a tractor. Our cast of characters - a professor and his students - theorize that the meteor shower may have awakened a whole host of these varmints. The death sequences are fantastic. Doltish dialogue will try your nerves, but when the fit hits the shan, watch out. I have to tip my typing wand to Piper, mainly for throwing in the most random lesbian sex scene in the history of mankind. Those two girls. I don't know their names, but...yeah, they're talented. Anyway, Arachnia is splendid. I need to apprehend the rest of Brett Piper's filmography.
FACTOID: 74% of alien spiders turn to a life of crime. It's sad, really.
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