Rain Delay

Well, I'm currently milking Wi-Fi at my aunt's house.  We have been without Internet service since Friday night-ish.  No end in sight.  Apparently, the rampant flooding in South Carolina has prevented our cable/net provider from repairing a fiber optic cable.  Thankfully, we haven't lost power.  I'm extremely grateful that we've only had to worry about losing the Internet, but still, this pretty much sucks.  I've been trying to convince myself that it's 1994.  VHS has been a life saver.  Speaking of which, I've enjoyed viewings of 1959's The Giant Behemoth and 1985's The Midnight Hour.  Good stuff.

The October announcement is still coming.  It's a project, and ideally, I'd like to have access to the Internet so I can fully commit to it.  Until then, yeah.

Blood Capsule #225

ALLIGATOR II: THE MUTATION (1991)

You thought that Random Sequel Month was over, didn't you?  So did I, friend.  So did I.  But when you chance upon a cheap copy of Alligator II, you pounce on it like a malnourished panther.  I recall glancing at this straight-to-video item when it aired on television back in the 90's (USA Network, methinks), but I've slept since then.  I don't think I need to tell you that the first film is a top-tier cult classic.  It's strange to consider that tawdry "nature runs amok" vehicles were not always prevalent in pop culture.  Nowadays, they are a dime a dozen, if you'll pardon the cliché.  I'm not complaining.  I dig Alligator II more than I should, although I can't justify handing out more than three Z'Dars.  The plot is anorexic.  Disembodied limbs emerge in the sewer system, so naturally, officer David Hodges assumes that a genetically altered alligator is the culprit.

No, really.  His default setting is conducive to wacky urban legends.  It doesn't take much to convince him either.  Maybe he has an Alligator poster hanging above his bed.  In 2024, this would be called a reboot.  In 1991, it was just another tepid sequel, but again, I won't begrudge The Mutation for having the audacity to exist.  The cast is chock-full of upmarket names that seem to frequent the convention circuit.*  Dee Wallace Stone is wasted in a throwaway role.  She plays a neglected wife, and man, she should have been the main character.  Richard Lynch has fun wrangling a Cajun accent.  Elsewhere, Steve Railsback goes for ham as a sleazeball real estate magnate.  Everyone is a little too talented for Alligator II: The Mutation, the alligator itself notwithstanding.  The effects are fine, but the actual creature changes in size.  Scale is always an issue.  I did enjoy the finale, which takes place at a carnival.  In my head, it's the same carnival as the one in Howling VI: The Freaks.

*I'm not trying to be derogatory.  I met Dee Wallace Stone at a convention, and I can confirm that she's an absolute sweetheart.

Baked Brotato

Random Sequel Month is almost over!  One more review to go.  I wish I could say it was a doozy.  I guess it's in the same ballpark as a doozy.  Anyway, I've been having nagging health issues for the past several days, so aside from the aforementioned review, the rest of this month might be kinda/sorta quiet.  It's nothing serious.  I'll be back soon enough with a HUGE announcement for October...!

PS-I've been playing a lot of Brotato lately.  I'm seeing purple aliens in my sleep.  Fun game.  Incredibly violent.

Blood Capsule #224

CRITTERS 4 (1992)

If New Line is the house that Freddy built, then surely the Critters franchise is responsible for its vinyl siding (or at least the gutters).  Obviously, the original stands as a fantastic "small town" creature feature, and most of the sequels are entertaining.  Most.  I'm reminded of the time I decided to tackle Ghoulies IV on a whim.  Stupid whims.  Critters 4 strains to have bits of plot connecting it to the other movies.  Bounty hunter Charlie botches a mission to preserve a pair of Crite eggs and winds up in cryostasis.  Because apparently, that happens a lot in outer space.  Anyhow, he is pinpointed by a scavenger ship and taken aboard.  You can probably fill in the rest.  I'm begging you to fill in the rest, dear reader, as I could be doing anything else right now.  Like rinsing out my eyeballs with sulfuric acid or enjoying a tall glass of...um, sulfuric acid.

The cast is just plain weird.  Angela Bassett plays a nondescript pilot, Brad Dourif plays a nondescript engineer, and Anders Hove plays an ancient vampire named Radu.  Okay, Radu is a no-show, but Hove does appear as the classless captain.  I'm assuming that everyone fired their agent posthaste.  The Critters themselves don't actually do much, although IMDb makes it a point to call attention to the fact that Critters 4 supposedly has a higher body count than any of its predecessors.  I didn't notice, and neither will you.  The death sequences are pitiful.  Still, I'd say that this flick's most egregious offense is insinuating that the Crites are being hunted down by deadlier aliens.  We never see the damn things!  On principle, Critters 4 is worse than Ghoulies IV.  That was a 1-Z'Dar slap to the face, but I'm awarding an extra half-Z'Dar for Brad Dourif.  At the end of the day, I appreciated his efforts, even if I don't remember his character.

Blood Capsule #223

THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING (1989)

If you'll indulge me for a moment (it's my site, so you have no choice), I've been on a Swamp Thing kick as of late.  I own plenty of the comic books, but for some unknown reason, Wes Craven's Swamp Thing eluded my radar for quite some time.  You'll be happy to know that I've rectified my infraction.  And just in time, too.  I fell into a VHS copy of The Return of Swamp Thing, a "fast food" property dive if ever there was one.  It's a sci-fi superhero excursion, a monster mash, and a campy comedy all rolled into one.  In terms of tone, it couldn't be any more different from its predecessor.  If I didn't know any better, I'd say that it takes place outside of DC's homespun universe.  But I do know better.  To be specific, I know that Louis Jourdan reprises his role as the nefarious Dr. Arcane.  That's funny; I could have sworn that he was straight up murdered by Swamp Thing.  Whatever.

Heather Locklear stars as Abby, Arcane's eco-friendly daughter.  Her performance won her a Razzie, but in all fairness, the film benefits from her bubbly disposition.  This thing feels a lot like The Toxic Avenger Part II or III.  If it wasn't directed by Jim Wynorski, I would probably compare it to Toxic Crusaders.  I kid, I kid...Jim stays within the circumference of a PG-13 rating.  The violence is tame, but on the upside, we get scads of creature effects.  Dr. Arcane's failed experiments could have been lifted from a Basket Case sequel.  Actually, they look better than that.  I can't believe that a major studio trusted Jim effing Wynorski with a beefy budget.  It's unfortunate that the climax comes and goes without much fanfare.  I don't want to seem ungrateful.  Return is low-key amazing.  Or maybe it's high-key competent (it's the cinematic equivalent of a functioning alcoholic).  Alas, apart from the odd fistfight, this vegan burger never lets its hair down, so to speak.

Nevermind the nitpicking.  Go out of your way to see The Return of Swamp Thing.  Recommended to fans of Bog and photosynthesis.

It's time for another contest!

Hey!  Do you want a care package full of cool stuff?  I'm talking movies (VHS or DVD, or both), magazines, comic books, other random oddities, probably candy...y'know, stuff.  If so, click HERE to enter.  All you have to do is join the Random Reviews Incorporated Fan Club on Facebook.  The winner will be chosen at random in approximately two weeks.  U.S. residents only!

Blood Capsule #222

DARKMAN II: THE RETURN OF DURANT (1995)

Technically, this counts as a rewatch.  I caught Darkman II on television as a wee lad, which is strange, given the film's release date.  It was actually shot in 1993, as was Darkman III: Die Darkman Die.  I love Sam Raimi's original.  It was a successful marriage of amusement park thrills and comic book visuals.  This sequel almost feels like a do-over, only without the winning personality and the polychromatic imagery.  Liam Neeson has been replaced with Arnold Vosloo.  And while Vosloo is Vosloo, he isn't Neeson.  Good God, and I call myself a professional writer.  What I mean is that while Vosloo gives it the old college try, he lacks a certain verve, an intangible quality that you can only find in ghost pepper fries or bacon cheeseburgers.  I was never able to warm up to this Darkman.  Oh, the synopsis.

So Camille Keaton stars as a woman beleaguered (read: raped) by backwoods rednecks.  Wait, that's I Spit on Your Grave.  I do that all the time.  Er, despite dying in a fiery helicopter crash, the nefarious Durant is somehow alive and plotting to hijack the drug trade with outlandish weapons.  No, it doesn't make sense, but at least Larry Drake agreed to reprise his role as the golf-happy, cigar-cutting heavy.  It's worth renting The Return of Durant to see the return of Durant.  He isn't omnipotent, though.  As I said earlier, this has the (un)makings of a withered version of the first film.  The action has been dialed back, and there isn't much in the way of suspense.  According to my highly reputable sources (IMDb), Raimi wanted Bruce Campbell to play Darkman in the sequels.  Man, imagine that.  The guy from Maniac Cop and Maniac Cop 2 as Darkman.  Oh, well.  Would have been nice.

Random Match Alert

I've been on a huge Bret Hart kick lately.  Of course, by "lately," I mean "my whole life."  People often daydream about what the Attitude Era would have looked like with The Hitman on board.  Think of all the potential match-ups we didn't get to see.  Thing is, we did get to see a lot of those match-ups.  Fans tend to forget that Bret wrestled Austin, Rock, and even Triple H.  He wrestled The Nose on more than one occasion.  I'm spotlighting an encounter from Bret's heel run in 1997, but they also faced each other in early '96.

Blood Capsule #221

RETURN OF THE FLY (1959)

I recently rewatched The Fly (the original, that is).  Man, what a freakin' movie.  How's that for intellectual commentary?  Somehow, I had never seen the follow-up, a true sequel that follows the events of its predecessor.  Ol' Vinnie Price returns as the distressed uncle of Phillippe Delambre, the son of the scientist who found himself caught in a teleportation chamber (or "disintegration cabinet," as it's called here) with a common housefly.  I don't need to recapitulate the whole story, but you should know that Return of the Fly isn't a simple rehash of what came before.  Phillippe shows an interest in continuing his father's research.  Price - I believe his name is Francois - is reluctant to assist the young man.  He agrees to help against his better judgment under the caveat that he will attempt to dissuade Flyboy Jr. at every step.  The project needs funding, however, and that's where conflict comes into play.

I'm being intentionally vague.  The plot consists of many moving pieces, and as long as you're on board, you'll enjoy trying to guess where the narrative is going to take these characters.  Obviously, Price is the main attraction, but I also liked Brett Halsey as the humorless and headstrong Phillippe.  The special effects are all sorts of fun.  Compared to the first Fly, we get more shots of the monster...um, monstering.  The film does feel scaled down, even though the sets have simply been repurposed.  I suppose some will see the black-and-white photography as a demotion, but those people are horribly misguided.  Flies are black anyway.  It's not like we're missing out on a spectrum wheel of fluorescent greens and pinks.  On second thought, that would be awesome.  I digress!

You can skip 1965's Curse of the Fly.  It doesn't actually have anything to do with flies, if you can imagine that.  What's next, a Halloween movie without Michael Myers???

A few thoughts on Beetlejuice Beetlejuice...

Image taken from DeviantArt.

I just got back from seeing a movie I never thought I would see in this lifetime.  Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is a big deal to people my age.  We grew up with these characters.  Actually, I have sweet memories of taping the network television premiere of Beetlejuice and watching it the next morning.  That tape contains a TV spot for Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare that scared the bejesus out of me.  In any event, I knew that B-B wouldn't let me down (call it a nerd's intuition), and I was right.  It's a modern film, but it took me right back to my childhood.  Claymation sandworms certainly helped.

Needless to say, the cast is splendid.  Michael Keaton deserves an award of some sort.  I mean, I know he won't be nominated for an Oscar, but...does Nickelodeon still have an awards show?  Give the man something.  My eyes turned into cartoon hearts as soon as I saw Winona Ryder as Lydia Deetz.  Again, awards.  Awards all over the place.  Don't get me wrong; Beetlejuice Beetlejuice isn't perfect.  A couple of subplots are given lukewarm payoffs, and I certainly wouldn't say it tops the original.  I'm thinking 4 Z'Dars.  I'm definitely buying the Blu-ray, which is high praise coming from me.

It just occurred to me that this little write-up fits wonderfully in Random Sequel Month.  By the way, I have a few more part twos lined up before I finish with a part four.  Be on the lookout!

Blood Capsule #220

NEMESIS 2: NEBULA (1995)

Is this a well-regarded franchise and I just don't know it?  There had to be some level of interest for there to be so many sequels.  Nemesis 5 was cranked out in 2017.  Why?  I mean, who was begging for an extrapolation of what was basically a low-rent Cyborg?  I rented the original years ago from an honest-to-God video store, but my memories are cloudy.  Apparently, Nebula is set in the future (of the future).  Cyborgs have won a civil war, and human rebels have turned to science for salvation.  New DNA is injected into a "volunteer."  You know what that means, don't you?  We've got a hybrid baby on our hands!  The mother is deemed a fugitive, so she is sent through a wormhole to East Africa.  Or is it Los Angeles?  Wait, I'm jumping ahead.  We cut to twenty years later - future present day, if you will.  I'm discombobulated.  Maybe a paragraph break will help me sort this out.

An automaton assassin from the future-future is sent to kill the hybrid baby, now a full-grown woman.  I'm still discombobulated.  To be perfectly honest, I only watched this flick because there is a cool robot on the cover.  It yearns to be an ultra-modern amalgamation of Predator and Terminator 2.  Personally, I would put it somewhere between Split Second and...um, Nemesis 3.  Director Albert Pyun was capable of making sci-fi cheese in his sleep, so from a technical standpoint, Nemesis 2 ticks the right boxes.  Unfortunately, the minimal use of dialogue ends up working against the film.  It's not a very stimulating sit, with or without a cool robot.  Trivia!  Nemesis 2, 3, and 4 were all intended to be one giant movie.  Egads, talk about dodging a bullet.

Rassle Inn #52

Don't look now, but Shawn Michaels is brewing a potent concoction down in NXT.  Before I go any further, I should make one thing clear.  Most of NXT sucks.  The gimmicks are cartoonish (the mafia stable is ridiculous), the writing (or whatever you want to call it) is juvenile, and the on-screen authority figures are just horrid.  Having said that, the women's roster is all kinds of stacked.  It's actually too stacked.  I couldn't sit here and name every athletic blonde who appears in the backstage segments, but as with any division, there are standouts.  Let's talk about a few of them.

I've been looking forward to Giulia's debut for several months, and man, it did not disappoint.  Can you say "star quality"?  Hell, she literally looks like a star.  She twinkles, for crying out loud!  I'm assuming that she will take the NXT Women's Championship when the show moves to CW, which would send Roxanne Perez to either Raw or Smackdown.  Roxy is another one of those standouts I mentioned earlier.  It seems like just yesterday I was watching her compete in ROH.  I'm a fan, although I hope she switches back to being a babyface after her inevitable promotion.  I'm not digging her heel promos at all.  They feel forced.  Maybe I'm overly critical.  Eh.

The last standout I wanted to highlight hasn't debuted on TV yet.  NXT has an ace up its sleeve, and her name is Stephanie Vaquer.  She wrestled on Dynamite earlier this year in a losing effort against Mercedes Mone.  I can't believe AEW let her go, seemingly without a fight.  If you haven't seen her go in the ring, she has all of the intangibles that can't be taught.  Her versus Giulia?  I'm salivating over here.  The only downside to these hot prospects is the fact that I have to watch NXT every week now.  How else am I supposed to keep track of my wrestling crushes?  Okay, I only have a crush on Vaquer.  And Giulia.  I'm sure they won't mind fighting over me.  Wheelchair on a pole match?

Yikes, I forgot about Jade.  It's an embarrassment of bitches (sorry, I had to).  Moral of the story...start paying attention to NXT, folks!

Blood Capsule #219

HOWLING VI: THE FREAKS (1991)

Ironically, I just got back from a fair.  Apart from forcing down overpriced chicken tenders, I had a blast.  Carnivals are all about vibes.  Likewise, Howling VI is all about vibes.  You'll think you're standing in line to throw darts at balloons or...something with ducks (I've never been able to wrap my head around that one).  You might be under the impression that this entire franchise is deplorable, but you would be mistaken.  While it's true that most of the sequels are a tacky mess, The Freaks is highly entertaining.  It's also kind of ballsy.  It anticipated the "versus" trend by over a decade.  Oh, you didn't know?  The storyline pits a werewolf against a vampire.  If that wasn't gnarly enough, the vampire is blue for no discernible reason.  I had no idea that the Universal Monsters could be enhanced by Crayola crayons, but here we are.

The actual plot follows a vagabond who gets roped into Harker's World of Wonders, a traveling freakshow that offers funhouse frivolity and a mime who bites the head off of a live chicken.  Hey, I'm in no position to judge.  At least he didn't pay twenty bucks for the damn thing.  Seriously, they weren't even good chicken tenders!  Alright, back on topic.  The Freaks has a secret weapon, and his name is Bruce Payne.  His performance is probably too shrewd for this movie, but that's why it works.  Trivia!  Payne starred in Warlock III: The End of Innocence.  This little carousel was written by Kevin Rock, the same bloke who wrote Warlock: The Armageddon.  Now you know.  I don't have much else to add.  I will say, our lycanthrope isn't terribly imposing.  He's outclassed.  In all fairness, who wouldn't be outclassed by a blue vampire?  Perhaps a mauve mummy.

Howling VI is dandy.  Name a better sixth installment in a series.  That isn't Jason Lives.

Random Sequel Month has begun!

"Shudder and chill?"

September, September, September...not only is it my birthday month (I turn 18* on the 28th), but it's also Random Sequel Month!  The next five - maybe six - blood capsules will be reviews of sequels that all fall somewhere under the sci-fi/horror umbrella.  I've curated a motley mix, and I'm eager to fill your eyeholes (ew) with takes on offshoots/follow-ups of all stripes.  NOTE: I won't be covering Bride of Frankenstein on account of the fact that I already did.

PS - I'll be announcing a giveaway in a couple of weeks.  Once I've taken care of Random Sequel Month, I'll announce my plans for October.  Exciting crap is in the works!

*Plus 22.  Hush, I'm in denial.

Blood Capsule #218

THE CHOOPER (1971)

So The Chooper (a.k.a. Blood Shack) was requested by a friend of mine named Paul.  Paul, I hope you're reading.  We are no longer friends.  Is it legally possible to slap a restraining order on someone's VHS collection?  I'm not sure where to start with this one.  I coined a new term while being Chooped - "aggressive boredom."  This film almost doesn't exist.  For starters, the director's cut runs for 55 minutes, as Ray Dennis Steckler was coaxed by distributors to append 15 minutes of celluloid.  They really should have been more specific because he simply tossed in random rodeo footage.  For the record, I watched the shorter version, but dear God, it was a slog.  The "plot" involves an urban legend of sorts called The Chooper, a malevolent spirit that haunts a ranch for some reason.  At one point, we see children playing musical chairs with one chair.  Yeah.  I think that sums it up.

The hooded killer uses what looks like a machete.  Could this be the first slasher of all time?  There are other "body count" fixtures along the way, including a pointless shower scene.  I mean, The Chooper even predates Mario Bava's A Bay of Blood.  I don't want to wax lyrical about not-so-creative endeavors that don't deserve such praise, but facts are facts.  The only thing missing is a monologue delivered by He Who Choops.  Tragically, we get a Scooby-Doo ending that fails to capitalize on the folklore that these doltish characters have been building up for an hour.  A whole hour!  I could have watched two episodes of The Twilight Zone.  Instead, I'm simply in The Twilight Zone.  Or better yet, Unsolved Mysteries.  Robert Stack would have had a field day with The Chooper.

Ray Dennis Steckler also helmed 1964's The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.  It's just as aimless, but at least it was ribbed by Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I'm pretty sure I was ribbed on this deal.

Q&A

A few days back, I asked my Facebook peeps for questions on the following topics - horror, metal, and wrestling.  Y'know, the three branches of government.  Here's a handful of Q's I will attempt to A.

Favorite tag team?

Woah.  A tough one right out of the gate.  Actually, it's not so tough.  I wouldn't say they are the best tag team of all time, but my favorite is definitely Demolition.  Awesome ring attire, awesome entrance theme, awesome everything.

Movie you consider the scariest and why?

I don't know about the "scariest."  I don't even know what that means anymore.  However, The Nameless got under my skin.  And probably the original Martyrs, as it didn't feel like a movie.  I tend to be most disturbed by documentaries like Dear Zachary and Orozco the Embalmer.

Most underrated wrestler?

Currently, I'd have to go with Dominik Mysterio.  If you actually watch his matches, he knows how to work.

Best metal album this year so far?

Right now, Void Witch's Horripilating Presence.  Shreddy, immense death/doom.

Worst subgenre of metal?

Modern metalcore (with very few exceptions), deathcore (with no exceptions), and whatever the next generation deems as cool.  Also, NSBM, but that seems obvious.

If you were a wrestler, what would your finisher be and what would you call it?

I don't know what I'd call it, and actually, I don't know what the move itself is called.  It starts as a back suplex with your opponent facing away from you.  You tip them over (backwards) behind you, twirl around, and then DDT them.  There's a wrestler in Japan who uses it.  Of course, I can't remember his name.

Favorite b-horror movie?

Man, that's an open-ended question.  If I had to pick one, I guess Spookies.  It's perfect.

Favorite non-metal album of 2024?

What is this "non-metal" you speak of?  Um, the latest Chelsea Wolfe.  Was that a 2024 release??

Have you ever watched Black Mirror?

Yes, but it's been yeeeeeears.

That does it for now.  Knowing me, I'll do this again at some point.  Maybe on X.  The drug, not the website.

Now Playing #14

Forgotten Tomb - Nightfloating

This one kind of hit me out of nowhere.  I knew the name Forgotten Tomb, but for much of their career, the band has waded in oblique DSBM waters.  On the off-chance that you aren't a metal egghead, DSBM stands for "depressive/suicidal black metal."  It's a quaint niche.  While I do prefer melancholic music, this stuff has always been too repetitive for my liking.  There are exceptions, especially if you consider this to be a DSBM record.  I don't.  To my ears, this is blackened doom.  The kicker?  Stacks and stacks of lead guitars.  I love the harmonies that crop up in "A Chill That You Can't Taint," which is probably my recommendation pick.  You should also check out "Unsafe Spaces" and the title track.  I have a feeling that Nightfloating will appear on my year-end list.  I don't even mind the dungeon synth instrumental.

Katatonia - Last Fair Deal Gone Down

So here's a qualifier.  This is a great album, but because this column is supposed to chronicle whatever I've been spinning lately, I could have easily chosen just about any Katatonia album.  Discouraged Ones and Tonight's Decision are currently in the car, and they aren't my favorites.  That would be Dead End Kings.  Or Night is the New Day.  Point is, Katatonia is becoming one of my top bands overall.  As for Last Fair Deal, this is where they seemed to gain confidence in their chosen direction.  Aside from The Gathering, who else managed to recover from abandoning their roots in extreme metal?  They found their footing as songwriters.  Of course, they can still dish out a mean riff, as evidenced by "Chrome" and "Clean Today."  They strike a lovely balance between melody and aggression.  Y'know, like Yanni.

While it may not be my favorite platter of Katatonia crumbs (check the liner notes for information on serving size per container), it's definitely my favorite pre-The Great Cold Distance.  Today anyway.

Blood Capsule #217

EYEBALL (1975)

Every time I review a giallo, I start by saying the same thing.  I'm not a big giallo guy.  And it's true, but at this point, I don't feel the need to further disassociate myself from the works of lionized auteurs such as Dario Argento, Luigi Cozzi, and Umberto Lenzi.  After all, something is making me return to these films, even if it's just every so often.  I named Argento because...well, he's Argento.  I named Lenzi because he directed the subject of today's capsule.  Eyeball bears the marks of other pictures in this subgenre, though there are key differences.  To wit, the killer dons a red raincoat in lieu of black gloves.  Our cannon fodder consists of American tourists seeing the sights that Spain has to offer.  I'm not sure which crew member to eulogize for picking such gorgeous locales, but that person deserves a firm handshake and a slice of pepperoni pizza.  Thin crust.  No mushrooms.

If you're wondering how the title manifests itself, each victim is bereaved of their left eye.  The entire socket is scooped out.  Don't worry; we only catch the aftermath (I know some folks are touchy when it comes to ocular mutilation).  The kills are plentiful, so the pace never gets bogged down with too much police procedural poppycock.  We are treated to lesbian horseplay.  We're also privy to arguments between those very same lesbians, which I enjoyed.  Hmm, that sounded strange.  What I mean is that same-sex couples are rarely depicted realistically in the ways of exploitation, so it was nice to see conflict stand in for supplementary boobs.  Of course, we still get boobs.  Elsewhere, Lenzi takes advantage of a scuzzy carnival funhouse.  "Shades of Child's Play 3" are words I was not expecting to write, let me tell you.  If I had to sum it all up, I would start a new paragraph.

This isn't life-affirming stuff.  The killer's reveal is about as exciting as C-SPAN, but overall, I had a reasonable amount of fun with Eyeball.  Recommended to fans of Seven Blood-Stained Orchids, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, and glaucoma.

A few thoughts on Alien: Romulus...

Well, I didn't think I would catch Alien: Romulus in theaters, but that's exactly what I just did. It was...it was. Certainly a solid entry, but it occurred to me that I just wasn't having much fun with it. Say what you want about Alien Resurrection; at least it had a fun streak. Visually speaking, Romulus feels pale and conservative. And it has to be said...the myriad of callbacks to the original are superfluous. I don't know why we needed to see Ash (don't worry, that's not a spoiler). Eh.

I don't mean to sound so downbeat. There is plenty of action, and by extension, there is plenty of goo/gore. I loved the "zero gravity" scene. Probably 3 Z'Dars, though I'd have to rank Romulus somewhere near the bottom of the franchise. It's a rental at best.

Blood Capsule #216

LETHAL TARGET (1999)

If I don't sound like my usual beguiling self, it's because I'm not feeling so great.  Without going into details, I have stomach issues, and I'm pinning the blame on Lethal Target.  I have a track record of associating physical maladies with whatever b-sludge I happened to watch that day.  I know what you're thinking.  "Dom, you're the common denominator.  Maybe you're the problem."  If that's your attitude, it's safe to assume you haven't seen this execrable endurance test.  This movie is cause and effect in action.  I'm convinced that it can trigger symptoms related to all manner of ailments.  Rickets, distemper, cerebral autosomal dominant arteriopathy with subcortical infarcts...I could go on, but I think you get my point.  On the surface, this is a banal Alien ripoff.  It reminded me of Xtro 2: The Second Encounter, if that tells you anything.

A detained marshal will receive a conditional release if she accepts a peculiar mission.  A research-intensive spacecraft experimenting with interdimensional teleportation has returned with nary a soul on board.  Yeah, it's one of those Event Horizon scenarios.  The ship has been infested with deadly cargo, namely a lifeform I will refer to as a not-xenomorph.  Despite the general-purpose title, Lethal Target is devoid of gunplay or "buddy cop" pratfalls.  But there is a catch.  The sci-fi is mixed with softcore porn.  It could easily be repackaged as Witchcraft XIV: In Space.  Surprisingly, the creature effects are halfway decent, which is the only reason I'm bothering with a Z'Dar rating above a goose egg.  This flick is painful.  It's a small miracle that I'll never have to sit through Lethal Targets (or Lethal Target: Romulus, if you prefer).