Parts Unknown #100: Metal

Well, here it is - the 100th edition of Parts Unknown. After several tedious, protracted days of brainstorming, I figured out what this column should touch on. Hopefully, you weren't expecting something dick-twistingly epic. I certainly strived to go above and beyond the call of duty, but my heightened deliberation kept leading me back to the same show. That's right, you fuckers...WWF Metal! Even The Attitude Era had a "d-show," and today, I'm dissecting the episode that aired on December 18, 1999.

~ Yahtzee! We're starting off with a tag team match pitting The Headbangers (anus-deep in their inexplicable lingerie phase) against The Holly Cousins. Clocking in at roughly four minutes, this is arguably the best match on the diminutive card. I've talked quite a bit about the booming tag division of The Attitude Era, so I'll abstain from repeating myself.

~ Woah, it's Kurt Angle's Metal debut. He's still undefeated, but his streak is on the line. Okay, this isn't Raw, Smackdown or Heat, so you know he's going to win the match. His opponent? A post-Ministry, pre-Naked Mideon. It's baffling that this character lasted as long as it did. Why not resurrect Henry Godwinn? I digress...Angle wins with an Angle Slam.

~ I learn new useless facts every day. Tonight, I'll go to bed knowing that Rikishi was once billed as Rikishi Fatu. Here, he is accompanied to the ring by Too Cool to do battle with The British Bulldog. Davey has The Mean Street Posse by his side. God, what a pitiful way to draw the curtain on a resplendent career. The match breaks down immediately, and Rikishi hits Pete Gas (an educated guess) with the Rikishi Driver as we segue into a commercial break. A fun mess, but a mess all the same.

~ D'Lo Brown versus Steve Blackman? Ugh. Somehow, D'Lo is over as a babyface. Kurt Angle interferes and gives D'Lo the victory, which is inordinately confusing. Why are two heels feuding with one another? Next!

~ Hey, a recap of Raw and Smackdown! Normally, I abhor this kind of shit, but it's nostalgia fodder. Allow me to set the stage; Stephanie McMahon was fresh off of her first heel turn at Armageddon where she betrayed her father. Her and her doting husband have controlled WWF television since then, causing general chaos in all directions. Y'know, I was always bothered by this storyline. Steph actually had a good reason to fuck her father (figuratively speaking, you wanton pervert). A year prior, Vince orchestrated the kidnapping and mock crucifixion of his own daughter! And she's supposed to be the asshole?

~ Val Venis defends his European belt against Gangrel (with Luna on his arm...huh, I didn't realize they worked together in the Fed). It's a quick, forgettable brawl. Luna inadvertently costs her real-life hubby a chance to wear gold, though I swear the referee counted three before she broke up the pin. Whatever.

I must say, this was a cool experiment. I love random undercard matches too much. Parts Unknown will return next week when I tackle Raw. Until then...

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