Popping My Convention Cherry

Last Saturday, I attended my first ever horror convention. I've been to a couple of small comic cons, but they didn't compare to Charlotte's 1st Annual Mad Monster Party. This was an upscale event. The hotel was lavish, the room reserved for panels and screenings was voluminous, and the dealer area...fuck me in the asshole. I've seen footage of vendor rooms online, but seeing one in person, especially one this large, was surreal. Actually, that's the word I would use to describe the whole experience. You haven't lived until you've literally brushed sleeves with Richard Moll. While waiting in line to meet Dee Wallace. Bear in mind, Traci Lords (and her vagina) is thirty feet in front of you. Yeah, it was fucking surreal.

Me, my friend Paul, Bill motherfucking Moseley.

I'll actively try not to write a prolix disquisition, but I should start at the beginning. As soon as I procured my ticket, I strolled for a few seconds and BAM! Angus goddamn Scrimm. That's when I knew that Mad Monster Party would exceed my expectations. I couldn't afford autographs, but every single time I glanced in The Tall Man's direction, he was canonizing a picture with his signature. Now, I was there for four hours. As far as I know, he didn't take any (or many) breaks. Folks, that is a class act. You have to commend the guy for his commitment to touching base with his fans. His line was easily the longest all day, so when you factor his age into the equation (he was born in 1929...!), respect must be given.

Me, my friend Paul, Dee motherfucking Wallace.

Speaking of senior horror celebrities, I was lucky enough to exchange words with Ricou Browning. He played The Gillman underwater in Creature From the Black Lagoon, Revenge of the Creature and The Creature Walks Among Us. I wanted to pull a Wayne Campbell and chant, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" He let me pick out a picture and signed it for free. Here again, class act. When I told him that I had always hoped that The Gillman shacked up with the heroine(s), he ensured me that he did. Nice! I knew that the Universal monsters were pimps. I wonder if Karloff nailed that little girl he lobbed into the lake. Calm down...I meant when she was older. Like, at least 12 years of age.

I met Patty Mullen (a.k.a. Frankenhooker). That was insane. Apparently, she is new to the convention circuit, which surprised me. She dipped into costume later in the day, but I caught her in casual attire. Damn, she was looking tasty, as was a redheaded Traci Lords. If I had the extra dough, I would have inquired about an autograph, but honestly, I have no idea what I would have said to her. I mean, it's Traci Lords. "Hey, I'm a huge fan. Just yesterday, I was peering into your gaping asshole." Maybe I should have used that line on Bill Moseley. By the way, Moseley is - you guessed it - a class act. Funny as hell. I don't drink, but I'd love to have a beer with him.

Oh, I like what I see, P.J.

As far as celebrity encounters go, the highlight had to be Dee Wallace. What an absolute sweetheart. She knelt down and had a real conversation with me. Unbelievable. She's one of my favorite actresses of all time. Afterwards, Paul and I looked at each other as if to conjecture, "Did that just happen?" I also met P.J. Soles. I was probably blushing. I kept seeing her hot little self in Halloween and Carrie in my mind's eye. Finally, I chatted with the editor of Girls & Corpses, a nifty magazine that I'll be reviewing by the end of the week. More on him and his rag later.

My budget was tight. I realize that a lot of horror hounds leave conventions with a bag full of DVD's, but I only bought two. The titles? Blood Harvest (starring Tiny Tim as an evil clown) and Slaughter of the Vampires (a black-and-white Italian flick). Of course, I'll be reviewing both movies in due course. In addition, I grabbed a couple of magnets (Creepshow and Killer Klowns From Outer Space), a couple of medium-sized posters (Chopping Mall and the Japanese one-sheet for Daimajin) and THIS shirt. All in all, I managed a sweet bang for my buck. I had a shit ton of fun, and I'm definitely going back next year. Laters!

When you see the toilet from Ghoulies, you take a picture in front of it. This is geek law.