Blood Capsule #176

SANTA'S SLAY (2005)

Happy Halloween!  That joke won't land as well in the future as it does now, but I could say the same thing about Santa's Slay.  Actually, this boisterous slasher didn't make much sense in 2005.  "Dead teenager" flicks were antiquated relics by this point.  An iniquity of antiquity?  If it had been released just five years earlier, I guess I could rationalize its existence.  It matters not.  Bill Goldberg stars as Santa.  In this film's universe, the righteous roly-poly is a demon.  You see, he lost a bet (in a game of curling, of all things), and as such, he must give presents to children on the 25th of December every year.  Apparently, this bet is subject to a statute of limitations, which has expired.  Paragraph break!

Santa reverts back to his impish ways.  For the record, that includes impaling idiots with fireplace pokers and stealing kisses from strippers.  I will say, the basic premise is novel.  The minutiae of the backstory is relayed in a darling little stop-motion sequence.  It's most fetching.  The rest of Santa's Slay?  Comme ci, comme ca.  That's French for "not so good," and it's the only French I remember from high school.  I knew it would come in handy someday.  On the bright-ish side, the body count is high, the fake boob count is higher, and everything is resolved in a tidy 78 minutes.  You can't ask for much more, really, though I would have liked to see Santaberg hit a jackhammer on Chris Kattan.  That's a wrestling move, for those of you scratching your head right now.

Recommended to fans of WCW Thunder and the third act of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.

Blood Capsule #175

TROG (1970)

Coincidentally, this feature was co-written by Peter Bryan, the scribe responsible for The Blood Beast Terror.  I didn't know that going in, and I usually try to select titles from different eras in filmmaking, but this was a happy accident.  Trog is wonky.  I dig wonky.  A mortified Joan Crawford stars as a scientist who stumbles into the discovery of a barbaric cave dweller (seen above being forced to watch Mildred Pierce).  The anthropoid protohuman is named Trog - shorthand for troglodyte.  It seems responsive to domestication, but gradually, it becomes impossible to tame.  As you might have guessed, a number of innocent lives are lost.  Trog abducts a child at one point in a scene that evokes James Whale's Frankenstein.

Fret not; the child is spared, although several interchangeable characters do meet an abrupt, sanguinary demise.  I was impressed with Trog's mean streak.  It's rooted in esoteric science fiction, so the script is always in danger of slipping into "blah" territory.  Crawford hits her marks.  Of course, she would later claim to be embarrassed by the role.  I doubt very seriously that her bank account blushed.  Director Freddie Francis keeps the pace cracking.  He was a busy man in the 60's and 70's, having helmed such genre treasures as The Skull, Torture Garden, and Legend of the Werewolf.  Trog is a jolly, agreeable addition to his resume.  The climax is disappointing, but for the most part, I enjoyed my time with it.  FACTOID: According to IMDb, this was the top film at the box office in its first week of release.

Blood Capsule #174

THE BLOOD BEAST TERROR (1969)

Only serious film buffs know about this Tigon cheapie.  I say that because as of a few weeks ago, I had never heard of it.  How is that possible???  It stars Peter Cushing, my second favorite actor of all time (behind Vincent Price).  This cult curiosity is in my wheelhouse for other reasons.  As I mentioned above, it was churned out by Tigon, long considered to be the gooseberry of British horror production houses.  It was no Hammer, or even Amicus, but the diminutive studio managed to amass an impressive catalog.  Does Witchfinder General ring any bells?  This picture could have been called The Mothwoman Prophecies.  I'll restrain myself from unloading my bottomless haversack of Richard Gere jokes.  You can thank me later.

Cushing appears as a Scotland Yard detective investigating a rash of deaths in the bucolic countryside near London.  The culprit?  Ignoring the red herrings, we are confronted with the killer head-on.  A scientist has spawned a genetic mutation posing as his daughter.  She turns into a bipedal moth creature seemingly at will.  A were-moth, if you will.  As far as drive-in cheese goes, the nuts and bolts of this scenario are lovingly bonkers.  The suspense is regrettably low, as we know what's happening well before the characters get a clue.  Still, I was entertained throughout.  I wish we had seen more of the monster suit, which looks better than you might expect.  Cushing reportedly considered The Blood Beast Terror to be one of his worst gigs.  I beg to differ.

Blood Capsule #173

THE MUNSTERS' SCARY LITTLE CHRISTMAS (1996)

I'm not a fan of Christmas (I know, big surprise), but I was looking forward to this jingle-jangle jestcapade.  It's one of the very, very few Random Review subjects that my mom would like.  And so, I watched it with my mom.  We both love The Munsters, but I think I can speak for her when I say that we approached this made-for-TV lark with a healthy providence.  To be specific, we weren't sure about the casting choices.  Here Come the Munsters was made the year before, and apparently, the main players from that movie were set to reprise their roles here.  Alas, contractual negotiations broke down, so we are left with an ostensibly inadequate lot of thespians.  I wouldn't know, as I've only seen Scary Little Christmas.

The story is weak.  The family spends 90 minutes trying to cheer Eddie up, which would barely function as a 30-minute sitcom premise.  One thing is for certain; no one...and I mean, no one will ever top Fred Gwynne.  Perennial "that guy" actor Sam McMurray gives it the old college try, but his voice just doesn't sound right.  On the other end of the spectrum, Ann Magnuson nails her portrayal of Lily Munster.  Everything from her mannerisms to her dulcet tones are letter-perfect.  There are some lively gags.  Strangely, the comedy suffers when it tries to appeal to adults.  For instance, I don't know why Santa's elves needed to be libertines.  But The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas could be worse.  It could be directed by Rob Zombie.  Zing!

Blood Capsule #172

THE GUYVER 2: DARK HERO (1994)

I have a clause written into my "7 in 7" contract* that states my holiday-fueled spate of reviews must include a sequel of some sort.  Otherwise, I probably would have covered the first Guyver film, which I prefer.  This sleek follow-up is by no means substandard, but it's marred by a lack of tokusatsu action (relative to the original, that is) and David Gale.  In fact, I can barely remember the villains in Dark Hero.  Picking up where The Guyver left off, Sean (our biomech-infused superhero) investigates an archeological dig that has resulted in the discovery of cave drawings.  These primeval images might be related to the things he keeps seeing in his dreams.  Meanwhile, there are new Zoanoid sightings in the mountains of Utah.  What are Zoanoids?

You really need to see The Guyver, but basically, it has something to do with a spaceship and the development of droid armor that is to be used in intergalactic warfare.  If the premise sounds like a loopy comic book, that's because it was based on a manga of the same name.  Seemingly, Dark Hero is the fan favorite, but again, I champion its 1991 predecessor.  It has more personality, and yes, (slightly) more monsters.  It goes without saying that the special effects are still extraordinary.  I've been running on low batteries as of late, so I admit to succumbing to the 127-minute running time on one or two occasions.  If the bloat doesn't bother you, definitely give this flick a watch.

*Signed in stage blood.

Blood Capsule #171

DAUGHTER OF DR. JEKYLL (1957)

In a pulpy prologue, a snaggletooth fiend (pictured above) regales us with the story of Robert Louis Stevenson's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  It's a bizarre meta-moment, as we are told that it was a work of fiction.  Stranger still, the heinous Hyde is referred to as a "human werewolf."  Daughter of Dr. Jekyll works as a Universal horror greatest hits compilation, and I'm chalking it up as a pleasant surprise.  Here, the monster can only be killed with a stake to the heart.  Yeah, wires are crossed, but that's okay.  I'm in love with all of the barmy tropes that get tossed around.  The actual storyline is fairly straightforward.  A woman inherits a Gothic estate and discovers that her father was Count Chocula.

This flick has the fearful villagers of Frankenstein, the omnipresent full moon of The Wolf Man, and the penetrating social commentary of Bordello of Blood.  That was a joke.  Director Edgar G. Ulmer has fun playing with shadows.  I had fun watching John Agar do his thing.  For your information, "his thing" involved sleepwalking as the straight man in dozens of kaleidoscopic b-pictures.  You may recognize him from Invisible Invaders, Attack of the Puppet People, Revenge of the Creature, and/or Bordello of Blood.  That was a joke.  On the whole, Daughter of Dr. Jekyll is all kinds of awesome.  I can't believe that I've never heard anyone mention it, but then again, I don't hang with the cool kids.

Blood Capsule #170

DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)

Horror hounds neglect to mention this remedial slasher when listing off Christmas-themed titles, which I should have seen as a stern warning.  Perhaps I deserved this movie.  Oh, I'm being melodramatic, but it's actually not too dusty.  Don't feels like a British interpretation of a giallo, right down to its whodunit angle and its black-gloved killer.  Director Edward Purdom also nails the sleazy, disreputable atmosphere that smacks of second-tier Argento.  As for the holiday-pitched plot, an unseen screwjob is bumping off a wide variety of men dressed as Santa Claus in urban London.  On second thought, the victims aren't exactly diversified.  Most of them are whiskey-whiffed cretins looking to wallow in the mire, so to speak.

What I'm trying to say is that prostitutes are involved.  Aren't they always?  Sometimes, the prostitutes are cute and spunky, as in the case of Sherry (Kelly Baker credited as an "experience girl").  She's the only character that I could tolerate, so of course, we don't meet her until the halfway point.  Everyone else is either an insipid detective or a flavorless suspect.  On the upside, the kills are prohibitively nasty.  If I didn't know any better, I'd wager that the gruesome effects shots were concocted by Tom Savini.  Don't Open Till Christmas gets a passing grade, though it doesn't aim very high.  And what's with the goofy ending?  I'm tempted to spoil it, but mere words wouldn't do it justice.  Ho-humbug.

Now Playing #9

Manitou - Entrance

This column is supposed to consist of music that I've been indulging in lately, but to be honest, I've been listening to lots of stuff over the past couple of months.  I can't tell you why I decided to write about this album in particular.  All I know is that it rules.  So Manitou was a progressive heavy metal band that formed in the mid-80's.  They were extremely Norwegian.  And I suppose they still are, but in any event, the line-up on this record boasted the talents of vocalist Oyvind Haegeland.  Power-prog scholars may recognize that name, as he contributed vocals to the sole release by crackerjack tech-mages Spiral Architect.  For your information, he also spends time in Terra Odium.  Both killer acts, in this writer's opinion.

Just like Spiral Architect, Manitou recorded one full-length before dissolving into nerd vapor.  The year was 1995, and man, it took entirely too long for me to discover this thing.  It won't sway anyone who doesn't listen to prog on a semi-regular basis.  The songs are as proggy as prog can be, what with the shortest composition clocking in at just under six minutes.  Standouts?  I'm loving the crestfallen leads of "The Forlorn" and the diagonal hooks of "Shadowhunt."  Mind you, I could use those very same adjectives to describe each track.  It's best to listen to everything on offer.

Entrance is begging for a re-release.  I want to own a physical copy, but the cheapest CD on Discogs will drain anywhere from thirty to forty bucks from my bank account, including shipping.  Normally, I wouldn't pay that much for tunes, but I might have to break down at some point.

Revenge - Strike.Smother.Dehumanize

War metal is an acquired taste.  In fact, I don't care for most of it, so I'm dipping outside my purview.  If Manitou is the soundtrack for a quiet night of reading (and it has been, in my case), Revenge is the soundtrack for a not-so-quiet night of raping and pillaging.  If you need a frame of reference, try to imagine bestial, crust-adjacent blackened thrash being played by werewolves.  Oh, and the werewolves are full-blown heroin addicts.  I can't say that songs such as "Oath Violator" and "Lightning Mythos" have much replay value.  However, they scratch the itch when I'm in the mood for something feral.  At the very least, I can hear the riffs, which is impressive for this subgenre.  It's a small victory, but I'll take it.

Happy Merry

So wait, Monday is a big day?  Oh, right.  How could I forget?  My "7 in 7" review series for Christmas starts on the 25th.  It may be a federal holiday of some sort, but that would be irresponsible conjecture on my part.  In other news, I think I'll post a new edition of Now Playing on Saturday.  When the new year kicks in, I'll be ready to take a break.  But not for too long!  2024 will prove to be an epic year for the site.  Just you wait!

And the Dommy goes to...

I typed "Academy Award in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV" into an AI image generator and this is the insanity I was given.  I've threatened the universe with the possibility of the Dommy Awards before, but since everyone is in the mood to recap 2023, I thought I'd hand out the most prestigious Dommy award I could dream up...best film of the year!  That I've reviewed!  I tallied them up, and apparently, I wrote 52 film reviews this year, including Blood Capsules.  The movie that left the deepest impression would be...

...When Evil Lurks!  Godzilla Minus One did come awfully close, but in the end, demonic possession won out over kaiju carnage.  It was an honor to be nominated, I'm sure.  Click HERE to read my review of this year's winner.  And give me ideas for more categories!

Best Metal Albums of 2023

Isn't that a cute little image?  Here are some 2023 releases that didn't spring to mind until after I created my cute little image.  We'll call them honorable mentions...

Horrendous - Ontological Mysterium) Knotty death metal with a progressive edge.  If my list was ranked by number of listens, this probably would have cracked the top 10.

Fires in the Distance - Air Not Meant For Us) I already wrote about this one.  Click HERE.

Vinsta - Freiweitn) Folk metal that could pass for vintage Opeth.  Based out of Austria.

Wolves in the Throne Room - Crypt of Ancestral Knowledge) An utterly fantastic EP.  These guys can do no wrong, in my book.

Dream Unending/Worm - Starpath) Easily my favorite split of the year, though I concede I haven't explored as many as I would have liked.  This is immense death/doom.  The DU tracks have a jazzy bent, whereas the Worm tracks are cloaked in blackened shades.

And now the top 10...

1. Alkaloid - Numen) Click HERE.

2. Dying Fetus - Make Them Beg for Death) I know this album doesn't contain any innovation on the part of this veteran brutal death metal unit, but there's nothing wrong with that.  The songs are killer.  John Gallagher knows his strengths, which is more than I can say for other indentured musicians.

3. Mournful Congregation - The Exuviae of Gods Part II) I'm actually listening to this EP as I type.  And normally, I wouldn't include EPs, but it's almost 40 minutes long.  Here again, we have a band that can do no wrong.  They make funeral doom so toothsome, so heartrendingly beautiful, it appeals to people who don't dig on funeral doom.  While I'm on the subject, I'll mention that Ahab also put out a strong contender.

4. Blackbraid - Blackbraid II) Not a terribly popular pick, but I don't care.  It's one of the finest atmospheric black metal offerings I've encountered in several harvest moons.

5. Shores of Null - The Loss of Beauty) Click HERE.

6. Drowning the Light - Haunter of the Deep) Unique lo-fi black metal from a dude who is prolific as all hell.  I think he cut another record since I started writing this piece.

7. Lamp of Murmuur - Saturnian Bloodstorm) This may be a case of Immortal worship, but that doesn't change the fact that I keep coming back to it.  "Conqueror Beyond the Frenzied Fog" might be my song of the year.

8. Katatonia - Sky Void of Stars) In the past twelve months, Katatonia has become one of my most cherished bands.  I'm partial to their entire discography.  I wasn't crazy about this one at first, but it's grown on me quite a bit.  "Author," for instance, is just too cool.

9. Outer Heaven - Infinite Psychic Depths) Gross, hawkish death metal dyed with a tincture of hardcore.  The riffs are dead serious.

10. Enslaved - Heimdal) In retrospect, I have reservations about this entry.  It's excellent, but pretend I switched it out with Starpath.

Random Match Alert

First, let me just say that this match is terrible.  Please enjoy.  Secondly, how epic was Monday Night Raw last night?  The storylines are so rich up and down the card, you forget that Roman Reigns hasn't been on television in, what, a month?  Good grief.

My next post will be my Top 10 Metal Albums of 2023.  You can expect to see it either tomorrow or Thursday.  That is all.

A mini-announcement...

Since it seemed to go over well for Halloween, I'm bringing back my "7 in 7" review series for Christmas.  If you're not privy, that's seven Blood Capsules in seven days.  The fun starts on the 25th, and yes, I'll be covering some Christmas horror films (three, to be exact).  Be there!  Or not!

Godzilla Minus One

Are Godzilla fans being spoiled right now or what?  The seismic trailer for Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire dropped yesterday, Monarch: Legacy of Monsters is currently streaming on Apple TV+ (I'd be all over it if I wasn't already subscribed to a million services), and of course, we have been gifted Godzilla Minus One, which stands as Toho's contribution to all of this kaiju commotion.  It seems I'm a bit late to the party, as all I can do is parrot the obvious.  This movie is epic!  I'll be honest.  I questioned the need for yet another origin story.  And the fact that the film is a period piece is hardly novel, despite the promotional material playing up the historic setting.  However, I was rewarded for coming in cautious.

If you don't know, Minus One starts in post-war Japan.  We follow Shikishima, a kamikaze pilot who sheepishly bails on his delegated assignment.  He reports back that his plane is faulty, but we know the truth.  That's just the tip of the iceberg as it relates to internal character dialogue, by the way.  There is a lot going on here, and I'm sharp enough to know that I didn't catch everything that bubbled beneath the surface.  But this isn't a thesis paper, so I'll pass on a commentary breakdown.  The rudiments of the plot find Shikishima burdened with the responsibility of supporting a homeless woman and the orphan under her employ.  He works as a minesweeper, a vocation that has very little to do with the computer game, as it turns out.  Talk about a culture shock.

Suddenly, a giant monster goes on a rampage.  Rough transition, huh?  It's actually more subtle than a paragraph break allows.  Director Takashi Yamazaki strikes a healthy balance between quiet exposition and combustible action.  When the expletive does hit the fan, watch out.  Dude, these are some serious scenes of destruction.  I'm talking incendiary demolition on a massive scale.  When the building-smashing violence is supported by Akira Ifukube's classic score, Minus One goes into kill mode.  If you're a kaiju nerd and you don't see this thing on the big screen, you have failed at life.  It's that simple.

I won't anatomize each individual performance, but suffice to say, the acting is superlative.  These characters are three-dimensional people who win your sympathy.  As for Godzilla, he looks awesome.  No silly complaints.  Speaking of which, I don't have complaints of any real merit.  Sure, Godzilla Minus One feels like it's two hours long, but guess what?  It's two hours long!  This is the most substantial kaiju spectacle since 2001's Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack.  FACTOID: Yamazaki cites GMK as his favorite Godzilla movie.  Very interesting!

    

The Sob Story

Y'know, for only $3 a month, you could brighten the holidays for a special little boy.  And he's crippled, if you need a sob story.  Who is this special cripple, you may ask?  Who knows???  But he has a Patreon account, this particular cripple.  The minimum tier is only $3, so if you were wondering how you could support the site, that's a start.  Be a pal.  Hey, have I mentioned that this little boy is, like, super crippled?

I see YouTubers billboarding their Patreons all of the time, and I don't know why my case would be any diff...er, if this was about me.  But it's about some random cripple.  Man, he's so crippled.

And the winner is...

Congratulations to Aaron Patton!  You've won a $50 Amazon gift card amongst other random goodies I'll be sending your way...!  Thanks to all who entered!

Blood Capsule #169

ATRAGON (1963)

Mu is a mythical lost continent whose origin is tied in with the fabled island of Atlantis.  It's an interesting subject, and I'm sure that it could be the basis of a sparkling, imaginative fantasy film.  Atragon is not that film.  I'll level with you.  I only showed interest in this Ishiro Honda machination because it capers underneath the "kaiju" umbrella.  In truth, a disappointingly negligible percentage of the running time is devoted to creature carnage.  Let's see, the plot.  Tokyo is rendered immunocompromised by the startling discovery of the Mu kingdom, a subaqueous empire bent on global annihilation.  Forced to retaliate, world leaders look to the aid of Captain Jinguji, a reclusive naval commander credited with the conception of an advanced submarine called Atragon.

The storyline is far more complicated than it needs to be, and I have taken the liberty of truncating the synopsis by approximately five hundred words in an effort to protect the integrity of this review.  You're just going to have to trust me.  Anyway, Jinguji is reticent to help, but his daughter convinces him that the Mu empress means business.  Actually, this supposed "great race" is defeated rather easily.  That might be the point, as the Mu dynasty is an allegory for Nazi Germany.  Still, the climax could stand to gain from a lethal dose of conflict.  At the very least, Manda should have wrapped itself around more miniature sets like a reptilian Tesla coil.  Bet you weren't banking on a Tesla reference, were you?  I slay me.

Site Update

I did a Google image search for "melting brain," and this is what I got.  I don't know.  It doesn't look like it's melting, but the colors are pretty.  Yay?  I'm just trying to convey my current mental state.  I haven't written anything in several days, and honestly, that's kind of intentional.  I'm resting up, as December is going to be a busy month for the site.  The contest is ending soon, I'm prepping another "7 in 7" series for Christmas, and of course, there are always non-movie items to worry about.

I'm going to be making a mega-announcement in January.  Yes, another announcement.  It's the biggest one yet!  So there's a lot happening.  Check out these links...

The contest!

The Patreon!

I thought there was a third link!  Nevermind.  I'm telling you, my brain is literally melting.

Time is ticking...

If you're reading this, click HERE.  Enter my contest to win a $50 Amazon gift card!  No strings attached, unless you want to take our relationship to the next level.  There are only a few days left to get in on the action, so act now!

Geek Out #167

Here we have a full episode of 120 Minutes.  It's rare to see such a thing on YouTube, what with copyrights being violated left and right.  This particular episode is a lovely time capsule from 1998.  Please enjoy Creed videos (hey, the first album wasn't too shabby) and commercials for Mortal Kombat 4.  It's a trip, man.

Rassle Inn #47

By now, I imagine that most, if not all wrestling fans have seen the Texas Death Match between Swerve Strickland and "Hangman" Adam Page.  To say that it was divisive would be a crushing understatement.  There is no middle ground on this one.  I may come across as old and detached here, but I'm squarely in the negative camp.  If you dug this bloodbath, can I ask what you dug exactly?  The blood?  That's literally all you could have liked, as there was no cogent storytelling to speak of.  Yeah, I guess they...bled well?  I'm struggling to play the optimist.

I have many problems with this match, but there is one thing that cannot be argued away.  It did absolutely nothing for AEW's bottom line.  I can guarantee you that the ratings will continue to stagnate.  The same people are going to tune in on Wednesday nights as always, and as for Saturday nights, we know how and why that horse left the barn.  What did this chaos - I don't know what else to call it - do to get Page over as a babyface?  By the same token, is Swerve over as a heel?  The crowd seemed poised to chant for him, regardless of the direction taken by "booking."

What about the next blood feud?  The next major angle?  Are they going to bring guns to the ring?  Because they have nowhere to go from here.  Is it any wonder that the crowd was dead for the two matches that followed?  If I was MJF, I'd be royally pissed right now.  Last night, I chose to watch an episode of WWF Prime Time Wrestling from 1989 just to cleanse my palate.  I can't tell you how much I enjoyed a bygone product that has no relevance in 2023.  I'm not sure what that says.  It was so refreshing to see a heel (in this instance, "Ravishing" Rick Rude) act like a heel.

That reminds me.  Boy, I'm revved up, so you'll have to oblige me for a moment.  Drew McIntyre recently turned heel.  He'll be fighting alongside The Judgment Day at this Saturday's Survivor Series.  The reaction online was puzzling, to be sure.  If it were 1989, the fans would have been livid.  In 2023, the fans register their approval of consistent booking.  "What a great heel turn."  "Well done, WWE."  I...I can only shake my head.  I know you can't unring a bell, and those same fans are not to blame for holding inside knowledge that they never should have gained in the first place.  But geez.  What would Bobby Heenan think?

Jeepers Creepers 3

Jeepers Creepers 3 and Jeepers Creepers: Reborn are sold together on DVD.  It was five bucks at Wal-Mart.  Don't look at me like that.  That's a fair price, considering my emotional investment in the series.  I kid because I hate.  No, I was genuinely curious about this one.  I can remember seeing the original in theaters and loving the fact that we got an old-fashioned monster movie at a time when horror's commercial viability was dubious at best.  Somehow, the film performed well enough at the box office to guarantee a sequel, with or without contentious director Victor Salva.  Would you like me to open that can of worms?  Eh, I'm not going there, as I'm choosing to focus on the meat of the matter.

It has to be said that Salva is one of the most talented pedophiles in the game.  Too soon?  Too early???  His talent can be frustrating at times.  It can be argued that he shouldn't be allowed within fifty feet of a camera, but I said I wasn't going there.  As for Jeepers Creepers 3, it retains some of the hallmarks that bankrolled its production.  Salva knows how to use silence, and there are several creepy shots peppered throughout.  Apparently, this flick is set in between parts one and two.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter.  Nothing is resolved, and I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know where The Creeper is concerned.  Well, I take that back.  I learned that The Demon in a Duster (trademarked) is a master mechanic.  I wonder what he would charge to rotate the tires of my wheelchair.

There's a joke in here about Victor Salva and wiper fluid.  If I find it, I'll let you know.  Yeah, I'm not taking this review very seriously.  Um, the characters.  There are too many of them.  You've got the pugnacious police force, the bratty teenagers, a stoic Meg Foster (per sources, she had a clause in her contract that gave her a "peeper bonus;" she was awarded a thousand dollars for every day she reported to set with her eyes open), and birds.  A lot of birds.  The expendable youths don't die quick enough for my liking.  On the acting front, the cast is serviceable, but any earnest performances here are wasted because this is Jeepers Creepers 3.

Seriously, why couldn't the exposition reveal a single thing that sets The Creeper apart from vanilla villains?  Other than "he eats for 23 days on the 23rd moon for 23 seconds and his favorite Jim Carrey movie is The Number 23."  I don't know, gang.  I can usually B.S. my way through four full paragraphs, but this is a lost cause.  The Z'Dar rating is for poor Gina Philips.  Ask me if I'm going to review Jeepers Creepers: Reborn.  Oh, I dare you.

 

I found the coolest thing...

Every so often, I chance upon something on the web (does anyone call it "the web" anymore?) that blows my mind.  I can usually be heard saying that this or that is the coolest thing in the universe, but obviously, that's an exercise in bleeping, grandiloquent hyperbole.  Until today, that is.  I think I may have actually found the coolest thing in the universe.  For wrestling fans, The Great Muta is already endlessly cool.  Did you know that in the wild, wonderful decade that is the 1990's, New Japan Pro-Wrestling released a short film that served as Muta's origin story?  Because I didn't, and Jesus corduroy Christ, it's all kinds of awesome.

Of course, it's on YouTube.  Did NJPW release it onto physical media?  I have no earthly idea.  In fact, I'm having a hard time finding any information on this deal.  All I know is that the gooey monster effects are credited to Steve Wang, the guy who worked on both The Guyver and The Guyver 2 alongside Screaming Mad George.  Apparently, he has a busy history in tokusatsu, a genre that includes kaiju.  It's worth noting that NJPW spent money on this mother.  It runs for roughly 15 minutes, and every frame is delectable.

The film is split into three chapters.  First, we see the birth of The Great Muta.  Then we see Muta wrestle a cave-dwelling beast that faintly resembles Lord Zedd.  And when I say "wrestle," I mean they lock up and exchange clotheslines!  Finally, Muta gathers himself after a tough loss and mutates into...um, Uber-Muta.  Words are failing me, so you really need to watch this film for yourself.  I think you'll agree that it's the coolest thing in the universe, at least as of November 2023.  Give it a whirl, girl!

Dead Review Collection #17 - CHAOS!

Well, the time has finally come.  I can't put it off any longer.  I need to review Chaos Horrific, the new(est) album by Cannibal Corpse.  I haven't been looking forward to writing this invective for various reasons.  For starters, I don't have many positive things to say about this batch of songs.  I mean, I do, but I don't.  Hmm...I feel like the best qualities that make up Chaos Horrific are things that can be said about the band as a collective whole, as opposed to traits that are unique to these specific compositions.  The fact that they are still brutal at their advanced age is commendable.  I suppose I should be thankful that they haven't pulled a Morbid Angel with their latest release, taking a brusque left turn into alternative waters.

But is that enough?  Shouldn't the new Cannibal Corpse record grab me by the throat and violate me in unspeakably egregious ways?  2021's Violence Unimagined did just that.  This line-up has had time to congeal, so you'd think that uniformity would show in the songwriting department.  Let me cut right to the chase.  The only aspect of Chaos Horrific that surpassed my expectations would be the lead guitar work.  To be plainspoken, the fiendish tandem of Rob Barrett and Erik Rutan deserves all the (dead) flowers in the universe.  The guitar solos kill!  I love the crooked harmonies, the sophisticated note choices, and just the overall "vibe" of what these guys are laying down.

There are other things I dig.  The demented circus melody of "Vengeful Invasion."  The manic drum fills on "Fracture and Refracture."  George's vocal patterns on...well, the whole album.  So what's my issue?  Setting the lead breaks aside, there is a prevailing sense of sameness across the ten tracks on display.  Honestly, the riffs sound tired.  I would never accuse these fine gentleman of mailing it in or going through the motions, but you could hardly blame them for simply running out of ideas.  This is their seventeenth full-length offering, after all.  And of course, this is only my puny opinion.  Before I backtalk too much, I can't apologize for not absolutely loving everything that my favorite extreme metal band does.

I will say, I'm a fan of "Summoned for Sacrifice" and "Pestilential Rictus."  "Blood Blind" wouldn't be my pick for the lead single, but it does carry a badass groove.  Kudos to Paul Mazurkiewicz for knowing when to pull back and when to launch into a malicious blasting section.  For that matter, everyone knows how to play their role.  While I may not be overly enthused with Chaos Horrific, I can vouch for the new material in a live setting.  That's just my way of bragging that I've seen Cannibal Corpse three times now.  Touch me!

  

Random Match Alert

Saw Carlito on Smackdown the other night.  What is he, 50?  55?  60???  Here he is being flattened by Mabel.

Win a $50 Amazon gift card!

See anything that strikes your fancy?

It's time for a contest!  Never let it be said that I don't love my readers (unless I say it).  As a "thank you" for making 2023 a pretty cool year for the site, I'm giving away a $50 Amazon gift card to one lucky boy or ghoul.  To enter, all you have to do is e-mail me at spookiesgore@gmail.com.  The subject line should be "Contest."  The body should include your address AND the name of your favorite b-movie.  That's it!  Entrants will be tossed into a pile of gore, and of course, the winner will be chosen at random.

Here is the all-important fine print.  U.S. residents only.  Winner will receive a bag of treats (!), including a $50 Amazon gift card.  You have until the end of November to enter.  Winner to be announced shortly thereafter.  Trip to warehouse not a part of the deal.

Blood Capsule #168

THE BONE SNATCHER (2003)

In my quest to see every medium-budget monster movie under the sun, I have stumbled upon this arid, desiccated dust bowl.  And it is dry.  I'll give it this much; it's got ambition.  The plot?  It follows a team of scientists looking for a pair of missing miners (the spelunking kind, not the underaged kind).  All they find is bones.  To make matters more dire, they spot a bizarre creature vacillating amongst the sand dunes.  What could it be?  If I told you it was a writhing mass of hyper-intelligent ants forming a makeshift skeleton, would you believe me?  You see, they use the bones to...forget it.  It's a fairly unique concept, but the execution is, shall we say, paltry.

The acting is fine.  Outside of splotchy CGI, the special effects are actually proficient.  This is what you would call a "good" movie, but director Jason Wulfsohn can't seem to drive it home.  There is a weak love affair that threatens the third act, and our super-evolved specks of fury (the ants) are disassembled too easily.  At the end of the day, I'm glad I watched The Bone Snatcher.  That's not a recommendation.  Bear in mind, I'll watch anything credited with a creature designer.  I'd advise most normal people to watch something else.  If there were an iceberg tier list for bone-themed genre films, I'd put this one below such heavy hitters as Bones and The Bone Collector.

Last gasp of Halloween...

Spooky ambience.

Last night, I held my second B-Movie Spectacular Under the Stars.  Big thanks to Bobby for the technical assistance.  The plan was to watch Destroy All Monsters, but I couldn't find my physical copy.  So!  We watched The Munsters and the original House on Haunted Hill.  The weather was perfect, if not a little on the chilly side.  We had pizza and wings to keep us warm.

All in all, it was a blast.  I guess I need to buy Destroy All Monsters for the next time, and you know there will be a next time...!

With Pat Priest as Marilyn.

Album Cover of the Whatever

I'm not a big proponent of stoner metal (I'm not really into stoner culture in general), but Howling Giant is a quality stoner band.  Why does their latest album's cover feature a bejeweled dragon?  I almost don't want to know.

When Evil Lurks

Disregard the date of this post, as today is October 28.  I just didn't want to disrupt the natural flow of my "7 in 7" series.  I could have waited to write about 2023's When Evil Lurks, only I couldn't.  By that I mean, I knew I had to spread the word on this thing as soon as I got the chance.  You're going to be hearing a lot about this film in the coming weeks and months.  It has the feel of a modern day classic.  At the risk of interjecting lofty concessions that are sure to warp expectations, this is the best movie I've seen in years, potentially.  I know how that sounds.  Try to put aside the praise.  You don't need to know too much about Evil (be it here or from any of the other glowing reviews); just know that it's worth watching.  It's on Shudder.  Stop reading and go watch it.

I'll pretend that you're still reading.  The filmmaker in question?  A relative no-name.  The cast?  Again, you won't recognize these people.  The country of origin?  Argentina, oddly enough.  The premise twiddles with demonic possession, and yeah, I'm second-guessing my effusive endorsement of The Exorcist: Believer.  Hey, that's a fine movie...until you see this one.  Two brothers are saddled with the task of "cleaning" the body of a rotting, yet still living man.  Local superstition dictates that this is an open-and-shut case of possession.  In this small town, there is a protocol you must follow when exorcising a demon, and it should be noted that these guys circumvent the rules.  Saying that there are consequences to their actions would be a mighty understatement.

I'll go ahead and say that Evil isn't perfect.  "So what's with the perfect rating, douchebag?"  That's fair, if not mean-spirited.  Some of the plot details feel arbitrary, and I wasn't 100% clear on a couple of character decisions.  However, this dirge affected me in such a way...how should I word it?  I haven't felt like this about a movie in a very, very long time.  I was actually invested in the characters.  I was in their shoes, and man, that's not a comfortable place to be.  It dawned on me that this is how a true horror film should make you feel.  Nothing is tidy.  The sequence of events is relayed in a grounded, visceral manner that rings true to life in the most abysmal way imaginable.

But enough about feelings.  Evil also excels at the archetypal stuff.  The acting is note-perfect (there's that word again), the special effects are decorously ghastly (all of the key gore is practical), and the suspense is tighter than a facelift.  Remember the name Demian Rugna.  In a few years, you're going to see swathes of When Evil Lurks merchandise at Spirit Halloween, you mark my words.  I could see an American remake coming down the pipeline.  Robert Z'Dar says, "I thought it was average."  Dom Coccaro says, "Don't listen to Robert.  I'm only using him for his chin."