The Soda Jerk #8

SQUIRT

One of the less ubiquitous citrus sodas, Squirt has been chugging along for decades now. I think it's safe to say that it was more popular in the 50's, but if you look hard enough, you will find cans of Squirt strewn across The New World. Much like Sunkist Sparkling Lemonade (which is no longer stocked in my vicinity), Squirt challenges convention. It laughs in the face of those who can only accept lemon if it is coupled with lime. The lemon is independent. It doesn't need other fruits to hold its hand. If you can't handle a lemon-centric beverage, then you can fuck right off. Burn in Hell!

I may be overstating my general point. It wasn't my intention to condemn you to eternal damnation, but this is a touchy subject. Drinking Squirt is as close to sucking on a lemon as you can get without actually sucking on a lemon. The firewater itself is white. On the surface, it resembles Mountain Dew White Out. Or Alka-Seltzer. But Squirt is typically more palatable than effervescent antacids. It goes down without any fuss. The aftertaste has a sour kick to it. I like it, although the carbonation is a bit too heavy.

There are a couple of offshoot flavors that I wouldn't mind sampling. Ruby Red Squirt was introduced to the market, and aside from causing skin lesions, it looks tasty. Wait, what? According to Wikipedia, a man reacted badly to the berry-infused elixir after drinking eight liters per day. I won't hold it against Squirt, though. I'm sure that drinking eight liters of anything high in fructose corn syrup will result in a visit to the emergency room. I once read about a woman whose vagina exploded after drinking a teaspoon of Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

Squirt Citrus Power is similar to an energy drink. No, thanks. I'll stick to the basic stuff. If you happen to live close to a store that sells Ruby Red Squirt, let me know. I'm willing to let you send it to me for free.