The Red and Black Attack

I whine a lot on this site, especially when it comes to the WWE. If you've read any of my recent wrestling columns, you know that I'm disgusted with the current state of the product. It's not just nostalgia either. The writing/booking was simply more effective when I was a teenager. It makes sense that the most promising angle on Raw involves an "old school" character. Everything about the new and improved Kane screams mid-90's WWF. The hokey ring attire, the overkill approach to the mask ("Oh, shit! It's Predator! Tell Cena to get to the nearest choppa!"), the evocative entrance music...IT'S FUCKING KILLER. And it's precisely what the WWE needs right now.

I watched wrestling as a wee one, but it wasn't until the Attitude Era kicked in that I became a WWF junkie. WCW didn't register for me. Hell, it didn't even exist in my little world. Like most sprouting horror freaks, I gravitated towards the dark side of the roster. In other words, I was an Undertaker mark. Okay, I'm still an Undertaker mark, but strangely enough, The Phenom wasn't my favorite wrestler in High School. No, I was a full-blown Kanenite. Why? Bear in mind, I was naive and credulous. I didn't want to believe that wrestling was scripted, and for years, I bought into Kane's outlandish backstory. That may be hard for younger fans to swallow, but hey, kayfabe wasn't a lost cause in those days. Plus, I was 13, so lay off.

I saw Kane as a tragic figure, a sympathetic monster comparable to Frankenstein's creation and King Kong. In early 1998, he was an unstable wreck after being forsaken by Paul Bearer. He had no one to turn to, so he fell for the first person who showed him affection. Remember Tori? That bitch. How could she take advantage of him like that? Don't get me started on X-Pac. You can see how an impressionable 13-year-old would get wrapped up in the soapy storylines. Of course, I eventually grew up. Once I realized that Raw was a predetermined, well-rehearsed show, my relationship with professional wrestling soured.

Looking back, it's frustrating to see that Kane was never given a fair shake. His first title reign lasted all of twenty-four hours. His older brother dominated every feud, which makes you wonder why they bothered building Kane up to be a dauntless, fire-eating demon in the first place. Was the character merely concocted to make 'Taker look better? If so, did Glen Jacobs ever have a shot at headlining PPV's? Last year, he was handed a lengthy title reign, but it almost came across as a proverbial pity fuck. Some fans insist that Jacobs hasn't done anything to deserve a push. They say he can't work, he can't talk, he can't move...I dub thee bullshit!

In my opinion, Jacobs is one of the most underrated talents in the business. He can still go, and for a man his age/size, he's in great shape. I honestly don't know what his detractors are seeing. Promo skills? Shit, The Big Red Machine can emote circles around 75% of the banal amateurs that populate the midcard. But those are just my two cents. I'll end this editorial by avowing that Kane should end The Undertaker's streak at Wrestlemania 28. Deep down, you know I'm right.


  1. It's not deep down, you ARE right. It's right there on the surface. Yes, they've fought at Mania twice before, so it may seem "stale" but it really makes sense, having the brother stop the other brother. Finally. 3rd times the charm. It would even work for Kane as a retirement match, since word of that has gone around for years. Taker retires cause the streak is over, Kane retires because he finally did what no one else could. It's win-win.

  2. The only problem is that Jacobs is younger and in better condition than his kayfabe brother, so I don't think they should retire at the same time. Kane still has mileage in him, in my opinion. He hasn't been injured nearly as many times as 'Taker has.

    Plus, I have a feeling that Vince will want a "supernatural" character around in place of The Phenom. Once Kane retires, the roster will be pretty fucking boring.