Parts Unknown #16: Raw

Bravo! Last night's Raw succeeded in making each segment seem important. That never happens. I did get pissed off at John Cena, but I'll get to that later.


~ The opening promo was pure gold. I was actually...excited. I know, I know; I'm just as shocked. Believe me. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for either Jerry Lawler or Randy Orton to clobber Michael Cole. This bit did an excellent job setting up the rest of the show. And I laughed my ass off when CM Punk stood up to read the GM's e-mail.

~ DiBiase and Maryse have parted ways. Good.

~ The debut of Jackson Andrews. This kid has a ton of potential. I (and every other old school wrestling fan) was reminded of Shawn Michaels and his imposing bodyguard, a cool 7-footer by the name of Diesel. Outside of his ring work, I don't see Tyson Kidd's appeal, so pairing him with a giant was a smart move. But where was Natalya? Isn't she supposed to be tight with The Hart Dynasty?

~ For me, the four-way tag team elimination match was the apex of this particular Raw. It ran for 12 minutes (!). When the bell sounded, new champions were crowned in Santino Morella and Vladimir Kozlov. I love it! They'll probably feud with The Uso's over the belts, and I'm glad because those slick Samoans are the only real tag team in the WWE. By the way, did you happen to catch their new finisher? It was a back body drop parlayed into a fierce Samoan drop. Badass!

~ Alex Riley being powerbombed through a table. Fuck that guy.


~ Cena's current angle hasn't bothered me as much as it has bothered most die-hards, but every man has his limits. Why is Wade Barrett the only person who can rehire Cena? Where the fuck is Vince McMahon? Doesn't he have some say since, y'know, it's his fucking company? What about the anonymous GM? Oh, and a big "fuck you" to Cena for downplaying the tag match. I'm blaming him for that line because it seemed like an adlib. That was the best match of the night. It actually made the tag titles feel relevant, and he makes it look like a complete joke in two seconds flat. "How does it feel losing to Santino?" You tell me, John. Santino has been showing off his wrestling skills in recent weeks (especially in this match), and let's not forget about Koslov. Thanks for diminishing what little credibility the tag team division has, you twat. I didn't mean to ramble, but goddamn.

~ John Morrison's promo was embarrassing. Dude, I like you, but that's why you didn't win King of the Ring. Work on your mic skills or you'll never be in the title picture.

~ LayCool on commentary? No. Don't. It took away from a decent match between Melina and Natalya, two ladies who can wrestle circles around LayCool.

Okay, I'm done. I ranted more than I thought I would, but the pros outweighed the cons. Next week, we get another 3-hour special...the Slammy Awards!

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