Blood Capsule #223

THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING (1989)

If you'll indulge me for a moment (it's my site, so you have no choice), I've been on a Swamp Thing kick as of late.  I own plenty of the comic books, but for some unknown reason, Wes Craven's Swamp Thing eluded my radar for quite some time.  You'll be happy to know that I've rectified my infraction.  And just in time, too.  I fell into a VHS copy of The Return of Swamp Thing, a "fast food" property dive if ever there was one.  It's a sci-fi superhero excursion, a monster mash, and a campy comedy all rolled into one.  In terms of tone, it couldn't be any more different from its predecessor.  If I didn't know any better, I'd say that it takes place outside of DC's homespun universe.  But I do know better.  To be specific, I know that Louis Jourdan reprises his role as the nefarious Dr. Arcane.  That's funny; I could have sworn that he was straight up murdered by Swamp Thing.  Whatever.

Heather Locklear stars as Abby, Arcane's eco-friendly daughter.  Her performance won her a Razzie, but in all fairness, the film benefits from her bubbly disposition.  This thing feels a lot like The Toxic Avenger Part II or III.  If it wasn't directed by Jim Wynorski, I would probably compare it to Toxic Crusaders.  I kid, I kid...Jim stays within the circumference of a PG-13 rating.  The violence is tame, but on the upside, we get scads of creature effects.  Dr. Arcane's failed experiments could have been lifted from a Basket Case sequel.  Actually, they look better than that.  I can't believe that a major studio trusted Jim effing Wynorski with a beefy budget.  It's unfortunate that the climax comes and goes without much fanfare.  I don't want to seem ungrateful.  Return is low-key amazing.  Or maybe it's high-key competent (it's the cinematic equivalent of a functioning alcoholic).  Alas, apart from the odd fistfight, this vegan burger never lets its hair down, so to speak.

Nevermind the nitpicking.  Go out of your way to see The Return of Swamp Thing.  Recommended to fans of Bog and photosynthesis.

It's time for another contest!

Hey!  Do you want a care package full of cool stuff?  I'm talking movies (VHS or DVD, or both), magazines, comic books, other random oddities, probably candy...y'know, stuff.  If so, click HERE to enter.  All you have to do is join the Random Reviews Incorporated Fan Club on Facebook.  The winner will be chosen at random in approximately two weeks.  U.S. residents only!

Blood Capsule #222

DARKMAN II: THE RETURN OF DURANT (1995)

Technically, this counts as a rewatch.  I caught Darkman II on television as a wee lad, which is strange, given the film's release date.  It was actually shot in 1993, as was Darkman III: Die Darkman Die.  I love Sam Raimi's original.  It was a successful marriage of amusement park thrills and comic book visuals.  This sequel almost feels like a do-over, only without the winning personality and the polychromatic imagery.  Liam Neeson has been replaced with Arnold Vosloo.  And while Vosloo is Vosloo, he isn't Neeson.  Good God, and I call myself a professional writer.  What I mean is that while Vosloo gives it the old college try, he lacks a certain verve, an intangible quality that you can only find in ghost pepper fries or bacon cheeseburgers.  I was never able to warm up to this Darkman.  Oh, the synopsis.

So Camille Keaton stars as a woman beleaguered (read: raped) by backwoods rednecks.  Wait, that's I Spit on Your Grave.  I do that all the time.  Er, despite dying in a fiery helicopter crash, the nefarious Durant is somehow alive and plotting to hijack the drug trade with outlandish weapons.  No, it doesn't make sense, but at least Larry Drake agreed to reprise his role as the golf-happy, cigar-cutting heavy.  It's worth renting The Return of Durant to see the return of Durant.  He isn't omnipotent, though.  As I said earlier, this has the (un)makings of a withered version of the first film.  The action has been dialed back, and there isn't much in the way of suspense.  According to my highly reputable sources (IMDb), Raimi wanted Bruce Campbell to play Darkman in the sequels.  Man, imagine that.  The guy from Maniac Cop and Maniac Cop 2 as Darkman.  Oh, well.  Would have been nice.

Random Match Alert

I've been on a huge Bret Hart kick lately.  Of course, by "lately," I mean "my whole life."  People often daydream about what the Attitude Era would have looked like with The Hitman on board.  Think of all the potential match-ups we didn't get to see.  Thing is, we did get to see a lot of those match-ups.  Fans tend to forget that Bret wrestled Austin, Rock, and even Triple H.  He wrestled The Nose on more than one occasion.  I'm spotlighting an encounter from Bret's heel run in 1997, but they also faced each other in early '96.

Blood Capsule #221

RETURN OF THE FLY (1959)

I recently rewatched The Fly (the original, that is).  Man, what a freakin' movie.  How's that for intellectual commentary?  Somehow, I had never seen the follow-up, a true sequel that follows the events of its predecessor.  Ol' Vinnie Price returns as the distressed uncle of Phillippe Delambre, the son of the scientist who found himself caught in a teleportation chamber (or "disintegration cabinet," as it's called here) with a common housefly.  I don't need to recapitulate the whole story, but you should know that Return of the Fly isn't a simple rehash of what came before.  Phillippe shows an interest in continuing his father's research.  Price - I believe his name is Francois - is reluctant to assist the young man.  He agrees to help against his better judgment under the caveat that he will attempt to dissuade Flyboy Jr. at every step.  The project needs funding, however, and that's where conflict comes into play.

I'm being intentionally vague.  The plot consists of many moving pieces, and as long as you're on board, you'll enjoy trying to guess where the narrative is going to take these characters.  Obviously, Price is the main attraction, but I also liked Brett Halsey as the humorless and headstrong Phillippe.  The special effects are all sorts of fun.  Compared to the first Fly, we get more shots of the monster...um, monstering.  The film does feel scaled down, even though the sets have simply been repurposed.  I suppose some will see the black-and-white photography as a demotion, but those people are horribly misguided.  Flies are black anyway.  It's not like we're missing out on a spectrum wheel of fluorescent greens and pinks.  On second thought, that would be awesome.  I digress!

You can skip 1965's Curse of the Fly.  It doesn't actually have anything to do with flies, if you can imagine that.  What's next, a Halloween movie without Michael Myers???

A few thoughts on Beetlejuice Beetlejuice...

Image taken from DeviantArt.

I just got back from seeing a movie I never thought I would see in this lifetime.  Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is a big deal to people my age.  We grew up with these characters.  Actually, I have sweet memories of taping the network television premiere of Beetlejuice and watching it the next morning.  That tape contains a TV spot for Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare that scared the bejesus out of me.  In any event, I knew that B-B wouldn't let me down (call it a nerd's intuition), and I was right.  It's a modern film, but it took me right back to my childhood.  Claymation sandworms certainly helped.

Needless to say, the cast is splendid.  Michael Keaton deserves an award of some sort.  I mean, I know he won't be nominated for an Oscar, but...does Nickelodeon still have an awards show?  Give the man something.  My eyes turned into cartoon hearts as soon as I saw Winona Ryder as Lydia Deetz.  Again, awards.  Awards all over the place.  Don't get me wrong; Beetlejuice Beetlejuice isn't perfect.  A couple of subplots are given lukewarm payoffs, and I certainly wouldn't say it tops the original.  I'm thinking 4 Z'Dars.  I'm definitely buying the Blu-ray, which is high praise coming from me.

It just occurred to me that this little write-up fits wonderfully in Random Sequel Month.  By the way, I have a few more part twos lined up before I finish with a part four.  Be on the lookout!

Blood Capsule #220

NEMESIS 2: NEBULA (1995)

Is this a well-regarded franchise and I just don't know it?  There had to be some level of interest for there to be so many sequels.  Nemesis 5 was cranked out in 2017.  Why?  I mean, who was begging for an extrapolation of what was basically a low-grade Cyborg?  I rented the original years ago from an honest-to-God video store, but my memories are cloudy.  Apparently, Nebula is set in the future (of the future).  Cyborgs have won a civil war, and human rebels have turned to science for salvation.  New DNA is injected into a "volunteer."  You know what that means, don't you?  We've got a hybrid baby on our hands!  The mother is deemed a fugitive, so she is sent through a wormhole to East Africa.  Or is it Los Angeles?  Wait, I'm jumping ahead.  We cut to twenty years later - future present day, if you will.  I'm discombobulated.  Maybe a paragraph break will help me sort this out.

An automaton assassin from the future-future is sent to kill the hybrid baby, now a full-grown woman.  I'm still discombobulated.  To be perfectly honest, I only watched this flick because there is a cool robot on the cover.  It yearns to be an ultra-modern amalgamation of Predator and Terminator 2.  Personally, I would put it somewhere between Split Second and...um, Nemesis 3.  Director Albert Pyun was capable of making sci-fi cheese in his sleep, so from a technical standpoint, Nemesis 2 ticks the right boxes.  Unfortunately, the minimal use of dialogue ends up working against the film.  It's not a very stimulating sit, with or without a cool robot.  Trivia!  Nemesis 2, 3, and 4 were all intended to be one giant movie.  Egads, talk about dodging a bullet.

Rassle Inn #52

Don't look now, but Shawn Michaels is brewing a potent concoction down in NXT.  Before I go any further, I should make one thing clear.  Most of NXT sucks.  The gimmicks are cartoonish (the mafia stable is ridiculous), the writing (or whatever you want to call it) is juvenile, and the on-screen authority figures are just horrid.  Having said that, the women's roster is all kinds of stacked.  It's actually too stacked.  I couldn't sit here and name every athletic blonde who appears in the backstage segments, but as with any division, there are standouts.  Let's talk about a few of them.

I've been looking forward to Giulia's debut for several months, and man, it did not disappoint.  Can you say "star quality"?  Hell, she literally looks like a star.  She twinkles, for crying out loud!  I'm assuming that she will take the NXT Women's Championship when the show moves to CW, which would send Roxanne Perez to either Raw or Smackdown.  Roxy is another one of those standouts I mentioned earlier.  It seems like just yesterday I was watching her compete in ROH.  I'm a fan, although I hope she switches back to being a babyface after her inevitable promotion.  I'm not digging her heel promos at all.  They feel forced.  Maybe I'm overly critical.  Eh.

The last standout I wanted to highlight hasn't debuted on TV yet.  NXT has an ace up its sleeve, and her name is Stephanie Vaquer.  She wrestled on Dynamite earlier this year in a losing effort against Mercedes Mone.  I can't believe AEW let her go, seemingly without a fight.  If you haven't seen her go in the ring, she has all of the intangibles that can't be taught.  Her versus Giulia?  I'm salivating over here.  The only downside to these hot prospects is the fact that I have to watch NXT every week now.  How else am I supposed to keep track of my wrestling crushes?  Okay, I only have a crush on Vaquer.  And Giulia.  I'm sure they won't mind fighting over me.  Wheelchair on a pole match?

Yikes, I forgot about Jade.  It's an embarrassment of bitches (sorry, I had to).  Moral of the story...start paying attention to NXT, folks!

Blood Capsule #219

HOWLING VI: THE FREAKS (1991)

Ironically, I just got back from a fair.  Apart from forcing down overpriced chicken tenders, I had a blast.  Carnivals are all about vibes.  Likewise, Howling VI is all about vibes.  You'll think you're standing in line to throw darts at balloons or...something with ducks (I've never been able to wrap my head around that one).  You might be under the impression that this entire franchise is deplorable, but you would be mistaken.  While it's true that most of the sequels are a tacky mess, The Freaks is highly entertaining.  It's also kind of ballsy.  It anticipated the "versus" trend by over a decade.  Oh, you didn't know?  The storyline pits a werewolf against a vampire.  If that wasn't gnarly enough, the vampire is blue for no discernible reason.  I had no idea that the Universal Monsters could be enhanced by Crayola crayons, but here we are.

The actual plot follows a vagabond who gets roped into Harker's World of Wonders, a traveling freakshow that offers funhouse frivolity and a mime who bites the head off of a live chicken.  Hey, I'm in no position to judge.  At least he didn't pay twenty bucks for the damn thing.  Seriously, they weren't even good chicken tenders!  Alright, back on topic.  The Freaks has a secret weapon, and his name is Bruce Payne.  His performance is probably too shrewd for this movie, but that's why it works.  Trivia!  Payne starred in Warlock III: The End of Innocence.  This little carousel was written by Kevin Rock, the same bloke who wrote Warlock: The Armageddon.  Now you know.  I don't have much else to add.  I will say, our lycanthrope isn't terribly imposing.  He's outclassed.  In all fairness, who wouldn't be outclassed by a blue vampire?  Perhaps a mauve mummy.

Howling VI is dandy.  Name a better sixth installment in a series.  That isn't Jason Lives.

Random Sequel Month has begun!

"Shudder and chill?"

September, September, September...not only is it my birthday month (I turn 18* on the 28th), but it's also Random Sequel Month!  The next five - maybe six - blood capsules will be reviews of sequels that all fall somewhere under the sci-fi/horror umbrella.  I've curated a motley mix, and I'm eager to fill your eyeholes (ew) with takes on offshoots/follow-ups of all stripes.  NOTE: I won't be covering Bride of Frankenstein on account of the fact that I already did.

PS - I'll be announcing a giveaway in a couple of weeks.  Once I've taken care of Random Sequel Month, I'll announce my plans for October.  Exciting crap is in the works!

*Plus 22.  Hush, I'm in denial.

Blood Capsule #218

THE CHOOPER (1971)

So The Chooper (a.k.a. Blood Shack) was requested by a friend of mine named Paul.  Paul, I hope you're reading.  We are no longer friends.  Is it legally possible to slap a restraining order on someone's VHS collection?  I'm not sure where to start with this one.  I coined a new term while being Chooped - "aggressive boredom."  This film almost doesn't exist.  For starters, the director's cut runs for 55 minutes, as Ray Dennis Steckler was coaxed by distributors to append 15 minutes of celluloid.  They really should have been more specific because he simply tossed in random rodeo footage.  For the record, I watched the shorter version, but dear God, it was a slog.  The "plot" involves an urban legend of sorts called The Chooper, a malevolent spirit that haunts a ranch for some reason.  At one point, we see children playing musical chairs with one chair.  Yeah.

The hooded killer uses what looks like a machete.  Could this be the first slasher of all time?  There are other "body count" fixtures along the way, including a pointless shower scene.  I mean, The Chooper even predates Mario Bava's A Bay of Blood.  I don't want to wax lyrical about not-so-creative endeavors that don't deserve such praise, but facts are facts.  The only thing missing is a monologue delivered by He Who Choops.  Tragically, we get a Scooby-Doo ending that fails to capitalize on the folklore that these doltish characters have been building up for an hour.  A whole hour!  I could have watched two episodes of The Twilight Zone.  Instead, I'm simply in The Twilight Zone.  Or better yet, Unsolved Mysteries.  Robert Stack would have had a field day with The Chooper.

Ray Dennis Steckler also helmed 1964's The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.  It's just as aimless, but at least it was ribbed by Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I'm pretty sure I was ribbed on this deal.

Q&A

A few days back, I asked my Facebook peeps for questions on the following topics - horror, metal, and wrestling.  Y'know, the three branches of government.  Here's a handful of Q's I will attempt to A.

Favorite tag team?

Woah.  A tough one right out of the gate.  Actually, it's not so tough.  I wouldn't say they are the best tag team of all time, but my favorite is definitely Demolition.  Awesome ring attire, awesome entrance theme, awesome everything.

Movie you consider the scariest and why?

I don't know about the "scariest."  I don't even know what that means anymore.  However, The Nameless got under my skin.  And probably the original Martyrs, as it didn't feel like a movie.  I tend to be most disturbed by documentaries like Dear Zachary and Orozco the Embalmer.

Most underrated wrestler?

Currently, I'd have to go with Dominik Mysterio.  If you actually watch his matches, he knows how to work.

Best metal album this year so far?

Right now, Void Witch's Horripilating Presence.  Shreddy, immense death/doom.

Worst subgenre of metal?

Modern metalcore (with very few exceptions), deathcore (with no exceptions), and whatever the next generation deems as cool.  Also, NSBM, but that seems obvious.

If you were a wrestler, what would your finisher be and what would you call it?

I don't know what I'd call it, and actually, I don't know what the move itself is called.  It starts as a back suplex with your opponent facing away from you.  You tip them over (backwards) behind you, twirl around, and then DDT them.  There's a wrestler in Japan who uses it.  Of course, I can't remember his name.

Favorite b-horror movie?

Man, that's an open-ended question.  If I had to pick one, I guess Spookies.  It's perfect.

Favorite non-metal album of 2024?

What is this "non-metal" you speak of?  Um, the latest Chelsea Wolfe.  Was that a 2024 release??

Have you ever watched Black Mirror?

Yes, but it's been yeeeeeears.

That does it for now.  Knowing me, I'll do this again at some point.  Maybe on X.  The drug, not the website.

Now Playing #14

Forgotten Tomb - Nightfloating

This one kind of hit me out of nowhere.  I knew the name Forgotten Tomb, but for much of their career, the band has waded in oblique DSBM waters.  On the off-chance that you aren't a metal egghead, DSBM stands for "depressive/suicidal black metal."  It's a quaint niche.  While I do prefer melancholic music, this stuff has always been too repetitive for my liking.  There are exceptions, especially if you consider this to be a DSBM record.  I don't.  To my ears, this is blackened doom.  The kicker?  Stacks and stacks of lead guitars.  I love the harmonies that crop up in "A Chill That You Can't Taint," which is probably my recommendation pick.  You should also check out "Unsafe Spaces" and the title track.  I have a feeling that Nightfloating will appear on my year-end list.  I don't even mind the dungeon synth instrumental.

Katatonia - Last Fair Deal Gone Down

So here's a qualifier.  This is a great album, but because this column is supposed to chronicle whatever I've been spinning lately, I could have easily chosen just about any Katatonia album.  Discouraged Ones and Tonight's Decision are currently in the car, and they aren't my favorites.  That would be Dead End Kings.  Or Night is the New Day.  Point is, Katatonia is becoming one of my top bands overall.  As for Last Fair Deal, this is where they seemed to gain confidence in their chosen direction.  Aside from The Gathering, who else managed to recover from abandoning their roots in extreme metal?  They found their footing as songwriters.  Of course, they can still dish out a mean riff, as evidenced by "Chrome" and "Clean Today."  They strike a lovely balance between melody and aggression.  Y'know, like Yanni.

While it may not be my favorite platter of Katatonia crumbs (check the liner notes for information on serving size per container), it's definitely my favorite pre-The Great Cold Distance.  Today anyway.

Blood Capsule #217

EYEBALL (1975)

Every time I review a giallo, I start by saying the same thing.  I'm not a big giallo guy.  And it's true, but at this point, I don't feel the need to further disassociate myself from the works of lionized auteurs such as Dario Argento, Luigi Cozzi, and Umberto Lenzi.  After all, something is making me return to these films, even if it's just every so often.  I named Argento because...well, he's Argento.  I named Lenzi because he directed the subject of today's capsule.  Eyeball bears the marks of other pictures in this subgenre, though there are key differences.  To wit, the killer dons a red raincoat in lieu of black gloves.  Our cannon fodder consists of American tourists seeing the sights that Spain has to offer.  I'm not sure which crew member to eulogize for picking such gorgeous locales, but that person deserves a firm handshake and a slice of pepperoni pizza.  Thin crust.  No mushrooms.

If you're wondering how the title manifests itself, each victim is bereaved of their left eye.  The entire socket is scooped out.  Don't worry; we only catch the aftermath (I know some folks are touchy when it comes to ocular mutilation).  The kills are plentiful, so the pace never gets bogged down with too much police procedural poppycock.  We are treated to lesbian horseplay.  We're also privy to arguments between those very same lesbians, which I enjoyed.  Hmm, that sounded strange.  What I mean is that same-sex couples are rarely depicted realistically in the ways of exploitation, so it was nice to see conflict stand in for supplementary boobs.  Of course, we still get boobs.  Elsewhere, Lenzi takes advantage of a scuzzy carnival funhouse.  "Shades of Child's Play 3" are words I was not expecting to write, let me tell you.  If I had to sum it all up, I would start a new paragraph.

This isn't life-affirming stuff.  The killer's reveal is about as exciting as C-SPAN, but overall, I had a reasonable amount of fun with Eyeball.  Recommended to fans of Seven Blood-Stained Orchids, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, and glaucoma.

A few thoughts on Alien: Romulus...

Well, I didn't think I would catch Alien: Romulus in theaters, but that's exactly what I just did. It was...it was. Certainly a solid entry, but it occurred to me that I just wasn't having much fun with it. Say what you want about Alien Resurrection; at least it had a fun streak. Visually speaking, Romulus feels pale and conservative. And it has to be said...the myriad of callbacks to the original are superfluous. I don't know why we needed to see Ash (don't worry, that's not a spoiler). Eh.

I don't mean to sound so downbeat. There is plenty of action, and by extension, there is plenty of goo/gore. I loved the "zero gravity" scene. Probably 3 Z'Dars, though I'd have to rank Romulus somewhere near the bottom of the franchise. It's a rental at best.

Blood Capsule #216

LETHAL TARGET (1999)

If I don't sound like my usual beguiling self, it's because I'm not feeling so great.  Without going into details, I have stomach issues, and I'm pinning the blame on Lethal Target.  I have a track record of associating physical maladies with whatever b-sludge I happened to watch that day.  I know what you're thinking.  "Dom, you're the common denominator.  Maybe you're the problem."  If that's your attitude, it's safe to assume you haven't seen this execrable endurance test.  This movie is cause and effect in action.  I'm convinced that it can trigger symptoms related to all manner of ailments.  Rickets, distemper, cerebral autosomal dominant arteriopathy with subcortical infarcts...I could go on, but I think you get my point.  On the surface, this is a banal Alien ripoff.  It reminded me of Xtro 2: The Second Encounter, if that tells you anything.

A detained marshal will receive a conditional release if she accepts a peculiar mission.  A research-intensive spacecraft experimenting with interdimensional teleportation has returned with nary a soul on board.  Yeah, it's one of those Event Horizon scenarios.  The ship has been infested with deadly cargo, namely a lifeform I will refer to as a not-xenomorph.  Despite the general-purpose title, Lethal Target is devoid of gunplay or "buddy cop" pratfalls.  But there is a catch.  The sci-fi is mixed with softcore porn.  It could easily be repackaged as Witchcraft XIV: In Space.  Surprisingly, the creature effects are halfway decent, which is the only reason I'm bothering with a Z'Dar rating above a goose egg.  This flick is painful.  It's a small miracle that I'll never have to sit through Lethal Targets (or Lethal Target: Romulus, if you prefer).

Random Match Alert

So I was watching Bret Hart take on Booker T when I thought to myself, "Man, this match is killer.  I should share it on the site."  And here we are.  This match is proof that Bret's WCW run wasn't all catastrophic.  Dig the patented figure four leg lock around the ringpost.  That's the stuff!

Blood Capsule #215

NOT OF THIS EARTH (1995)

I just had to watch all three of these movies, didn't I?  What a grand idea.  My intentions were pure, but I think that imbibing the same formula three times in a row may have tarnished my viewing experience.  Learn from my mistakes, kids.  To put it plainly, I have no idea why Roger Corman decided to remake 1957's Not of This Earth twice.  Research has turned up nothing of any value.  If you have inside knowledge (maybe Roger's nephew mowed your lawn or deflowered your granddaughter...or both), please enlighten me.  Here again, the plot has not been altered.  An alien carrying a briefcase - no, forget it.  I need to write that synopsis about as much as I need to mainline black tar heroin into the circuits of my wheelchair.  Suffice to say, the set-up is familiar, so you might be wondering how this direct-to-video doodad's running time extends past 90 minutes.

Padding.  That's how.  "But Dom," you interject.  "Was the movie as bad as you're making it sound?"  No, of course not.  It's functional.  The cast is fine, although I have to say that Elizabeth Barondes (star of Night of the Scarecrow) is the least interesting nurse we've met so far.  Crack jokes all you want; Traci Lords had charisma.  And other things.  She had other things.  Believe it or not, the special effects are split between practical prosthetics and crude CGI.  Technically, 1995's Not of This Earth features the most monsters out of the bunch, but they are limited in their utility.  This was a big year for Corman remakes.  He also produced modern recapitulations of The Wasp Woman, A Bucket of Blood and Humanoids From the Deep.  None of them are worthwhile, in my not-so-humble opinion.  Shocking, I know.

This is the worst Earth of the "trilogy."  I loved the original, but yeah, I'm ready to move on with my life.

THE Ghost Dance

Yesterday, I watched 1983's Ghost Dance with a good friend of mine.  We enjoyed ourselves at the expense of the movie, and to be honest, my recollections aren't "concrete" enough to write a thorough Blood Capsule.  We were just chatting for half of the running time.  We gabbed about important things, mind you...y'know, politics, current events, Kenner's line of Alien toys.  My friend - we'll call him Bobby - made a good point.  There haven't been any cool Native American genre films in decades.  Stuff like Scalps, The Manitou, Demon Warrior, and 33% of Creepshow II. Perhaps the modern zeitgeist would consider these properties to be racially insensitive.  But think of the potential of, say, a horror-centric version of The Indian in the Cupboard.  How sick would that be???

For those curious, Ghost Dance is rather uneventful.  Probably 2.5 Z'Dars.  Tune in tomorrow to read my thoughts on 1995's Not of This Earth!

Blood Capsule #214

NOT OF THIS EARTH (1988)

When you last left your roving reporter (that would be me), he...er, I had spent some quality time with 1957's Not of This Earth.  As serious horror freaks are aware, it wasn't uncommon for Roger Corman to revisit his own material decades down the road to varying degrees of success.  To that effect, we have 1988's Not of This Earth, a self-referential update directed by Jim Wynorski.  It probably won't surprise you to learn that this version is spackled in smut.  Aside from the magnanimous nudity (more on that later, believe me), what we have here doesn't stray too far from the fringe perimeters established by the original.  The plot is identical.  A black-clad alien drops in our terrestrial terrain to siphon blood from unsuspecting vagrants.  Of course, he also tries a blood bank, and that's where we meet the shapely Nadine.

Oh, Nadine.  I didn't know going in, but this was Traci Lords' first "legitimate" role after escaping the adult industry.  It's also the last film in which she appears nude.  I'll spare you any infantile jokes that spring to mind.  Actually, she's a proficient actress, and she gives her performance the right amount of moxie.  As with 1957's Earth, 1988's Earth is beaming with Corman's personality.  Much of the dialogue is the same, although I wouldn't call this a shot-for-shot remake.  Intrinsically, it doesn't do anything wrong, yet I prefer the original.  I can't quite put my finger on it.  It's still a fast-paced affair, and it goes without saying that I appreciated the charitable skin shots.  If you're keeping tabs at home, I have another Not of This Earth waiting to be watched.  I am both cautiously optimistic and optimistically cautious.

Recommended to fans of New Wave Hookers, Sex Fifth Avenue, and Tailhouse Rock (thank you, IMDb).

The results are in...

It has been decided.  September will be Random Sequel Month!  As for October, it's going to be epic.  But that's an announcement for another time.  Stay frosty!

Blood Capsule #213

NOT OF THIS EARTH (1957)

This production was written and directed by Roger Corman.  As such, it feels like it was written and directed by Roger Corman.  That's a net positive.  At the risk of getting ahead of myself, Not of This Earth was remade twice in fairly quick succession.  I don't know why, but that's a dissertation for a separate Blood Capsule.  I can only review one cult classic at a time, and heavens above, I was gobsmacked by this little flick-a-dee.  This is Corman at his sharpest, and by extension, his most economical.  Earth will buzz your tower.  Somehow, it accomplishes more in 67 minutes than the average b-prospect does in an hour and a half.  The plot is lean.  An alien wearing jumbo sunglasses visits a blood bank to arrange a transfusion.  You see, his blood is evaporating.  His race has been plagued with nuclear radiation and he was sent to our blue marble to find a cure.

What does that mean for his doctor and the nurse that has been assigned to treat his quasi-eldritch illness?  First things first, Beverly Garland is fantastic as Nurse Nadine, and sweet mint julep, she's ridiculously gorgeous.  That's irrelevant, but yowza.  The dialogue is witty as hell.  Again, you can hear Corman saying these lines ("Prepare the automobile.").  Pacing-wise, the script moves faster than the Mexican food in my colon.  I was sold halfway through, but then, the film played its trump card.  We get a goofy monster, a divine varmint that resembles a fleshy umbrella.  If you're wondering if that puts this sucker over the top, it most certainly does.  We're dangerously close to 5-Z'Dar territory.  I'm serious.  That's how much I enjoyed Not of This Earth.  "But Dom, it doesn't star Traci Lords."  Hold the phone!

Rassle Inn #51

Has it really been over two months since I wrote one of these things?  That can only mean that I haven't been inspired, at least in terms of wrestling.  But the truth is, WWE's product has been ridiculously entertaining as of late.  It's not perfect.  There are plenty of talents wavering in the middle of the card, and regrettably, half of the women's roster is simply blah.  I'll be curious to see if/when Nikki Cross starts having matches as the tragic, disconcerting Abby the Witch.  So what's the general consensus on The Wyatt Sicks?  I asked my friends on Facebook what they thought (all two of them) and the response was overwhelmingly positive.  If recent episodes of Raw are to be believed, live crowds are warming up to the new stable as well.

I'll be (im)perfectly honest.  I'm still not sure where I fall on the matter.  They're getting a reaction, but how long will that last when there are no coherent storylines to support them?  Where is this going exactly?  How many more tapes can be delivered to the commentary table before logic falls apart?  I don't want to be pointlessly pessimistic.  I'm willing to keep watching, and obviously, I'm not alone.  My idea?  I'm glad you asked.  Give them a run with the tag titles and build to a unification match against The Bloodline (preferably, Tama Tonga and Tonga Loa) at Wrestlemania.  The tag division needs teams with strong identities, and plus, you would have a clear heel/face dynamic.  Just my two cents.

What's going on with AEW?  No, I'm asking.  This will be the first All In that I don't plan on purchasing.  Even if I was excited about it, it feels silly paying over $50 for a PPV in 2024.  I do want to see Mercedes Mone vs. Britt Baker, I guess.  Meh.  Raw starts soon.  Now that, I will watch.  Well, I'll watch most of it.  Fingers crossed that the move to Netflix signals the end of the three-hour era.  By the way, I've decided that Dominik Mysterio is one of my current favorite wrestlers.  You don't understand.  Us Doms...we gotta stick together.  I don't have much of a choice.  Plus, more Dom means more Liv Morgan.  Again, my hands are tied.  Play my entrance music!

Random Match Alert

It's that time again.  Please enjoy Sting and Ricky Steamboat taking on Bad Attitude!

Blood Capsule #212

DEMONIA (1990)

There is a scene in Demonia where a man is locked in a "possessed" meat locker.  Before he meets his ultimate demise (he gets a hook to the eye socket; this review is beginning to sound like a Cannibal Corpse song), the cuts of cow...um, beat him up, if you'll forgive the tortured syntax.  I had to laugh.  It was one of the few bright spots in what is regarded as one of the last decent Fulci films.  I'm not sure that's saying much, mind you.  It was one of the last Fulci films period.  The threadbare story follows a Canadian archeological dig in Italy.  Try to stay with me.  Pick-axes penetrate the earth to reveal the desiccated remains of five nuns.  A prologue penetrates the film to reveal the agonizing crucifixions of said nuns.  That's pretty much it.  I mean, that wasn't a plot summary; that was the plot.

Hey, I'm always up for a little nunsploitation.  Admittedly, I'm not well-versed in this subgenre, but I do enjoy it.  Unfortunately, Demonia doesn't seem to want to be enjoyed.  The death sequences are there.  The exaggerated gore reminds you that you're watching a studied professional at work.  Alas, aside from a dude being ripped in half (!), this doesn't feel like a Fulci feature.  The vibe is off, man.  Where is the blustery, oppressive atmosphere of The Beyond and City of the Living Dead?  I would say that I'm being harsh, but Fulci agreed with me.  He disowned Demonia before it was even released.  I'm glad I stuck through it, though.  It has its moments, and I'm a bit of a completionist anyway when it comes to Italian horror.  Recommended to fans of The Convent and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

Not to sound Patreonizing, but...

I don't like having to advertise my Patreon, but the simple fact is, it helps.  I don't think people realize that this is, like, what I do.  I can't work a "normal" job.  I don't mean to make my situation sound dire (Patreon doesn't pay the bills), but it is what it is.  The lowest tier is currently $1.  If everyone reading this chipped in one dollar, I wouldn't have to write these cringe-inducing posts (what is this, Wikipedia?).  Maybe I'm the only one cringing.  I take any and all support VERY seriously.

Any other ways you can help out?  Yes!  You can buy my lovely book HERE.  And click HERE to access my Patreon.  You can rest knowing that your money is going to a terrible, terrible cause.

They walk, stalk, and KILL!

Yesterday, I was eaten by a mutant venus fly trap.  Special thanks to the cast and crew of Venus DIE Trap!  I don't know if I'll catch the acting bug or not (I did take the Pfizer vaccine), but I'll let you know when you can watch my screen debut.  I have to say, my "big break" role was perfectly sized.  Only a couple scenes, but I had plenty of dialogue.  It was an absolute blast being on the set of a low-budget horror film.  I never imagined that I would be able to tick that one off of my bucket list.

Just so you know, my newfound fame will definitely change my moral fiber.  The film hasn't even been released yet, and it's already gone to my head.  Who remembers the little people anyway?

Blood Capsule #211

THE MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (1986)

If you've been playing along at home, you know that I've reviewed two other adaptations of Edgar Allan Poe's Murders in the Rue Morgue*.  You might be surprised that this one even exists, as I was.  To be clear (and present), the 1932 version - starring a truly bent Bela Lugosi - reigns supreme.  This mellow teleplay isn't bad, though.  Yes, it was made for television, but the premise doesn't exactly call for an inflated budget or excessive use of corn syrup.  In keeping with tradition, the script bears no resemblance to any prior iteration of the Poe short story.  And ostensibly, it doesn't veer too far from the source material, but I wouldn't know.  Hey, lay off; I haven't read it since high school.  Should I start a new paragraph?  I'll start a new paragraph.

A vehement George C. Scott plays Auguste, a former inspector who was forced into retirement by his prefect.  He is begrudgingly coaxed onto a case by his daughter and by his apprentice (Rebecca De Mornay and Val Kilmer, respectively).  The case?  A string of brutal killings that has the constabulary perplexed.  It should be obvious by the names I just dropped that the cast is simply excellent.  This is definitely a performance-driven piece.  Be that as it may, I'll admit that I did doze off a couple of times.  I won't blame the movie.  No, I'll be the bigger man and say that this shouldn't have been a late-night viewing.  There is a neat plot twist that I won't spoil, but suffice to say, I dug the final act.  Recommended to fans of Murders in the Rue Morgue, Murders in the Rue Morgue, and Murders in the Rue Morgue.

*Click HERE to read my review of Morgue '32.  Click HERE to read my review of Morgue '71.

Album Cover of the Whatever

I can't remember if I've already posted this cover from Finnish death metal titans Demigod.  I want to say I have, but...eh, I'm posting it again.  Killer record, too.

Blood Capsule #210

MAD AT THE MOON (1992)

If you haven't noticed, I specialize in reviewing obscure films (duh, I know).  It's a swell feeling when you find something interesting that virtually no one else has seen.  Then there is the other side of the coin.  That festering, possibly communicable side.  God only knows what kind of disease I contracted from watching Mad at the Moon.  Cool title, right?  This thing wants you to believe that it's a werewolf movie, and technically, I guess you could say...yeah, it's a werewolf movie to the extent that Twilight is a vampire movie.  At least the supposed monsters in Twilight had fangs.  Apart from growing feral sideburns, the "monster" in Moon doesn't actually transform.  Oh, and he doesn't kill anyone.  He does howl, but hell, I've been known to do that after a few cans of Vanilla Coke.

This is a limp-wristed stab at a horror/western hybrid.  There is some semblance of a storyline.  Jenny is at risk of becoming a spinster, so she winds up marrying the first slob who decides to propose.  In truth, she's in love with her husband's brother, a dark, handsome wastrel who has maybe a paragraph of dialogue.  That's another thing.  Director Martin Donovan is all about silence.  He was probably trying to build the mood, but instead, he creates insufferably long stretches of absolutely nothing.  Needless to say, the pacing is dead.  No, undead.  I can't believe that Mad at the Moon exists.  We do see eye-catching imagery from time to time, which tells me that someone spent money on this mishap.  Yuck.

The Green Slime...board game?

I recently rewatched a certain motion picture.  It has long been a favorite of mine, and if you haven't seen it, you totally should.  Originally, I was going to get on here and simply talk up the awesome-ness of The Green Slime (and its theme song), but then I learned a nifty piece of trivia.  In 1980, there was a board game inspired by The Green Slime!  It's not considered official merchandise, but in reading about the game, it becomes clear that this thing was definitely modeled after the cyclopean monstrosities in the movie.  Apparently, you can either play as a crew member or as an "awful green thing."  How flippin' cool is that???

I noticed that the game is on eBay, so it might go on the ol' Christmas list.  Failing that, I might just buy it myself.  I think it's obvious that I was meant to play The Awful Green Things From Outer Space.  I mean, it was written in the stars!