The Junkyard #3

PEANUT M&M'S

My name is Dominic Coccaro, and I'm addicted to Peanut M&M's. I've always liked them, but I didn't become obsessed with them until after I had my hip surgery in February of 2010. As some of you know, I was bed-ridden for the better part of two months. Incapacitated. On ice. When you're immobile for a sustained period of time, you get restless. Often times, chewing gum or sucking on hard candy can calm your nerves. Peanut M&M's allowed me to both suck and chew. First, the sugary shell would flake off. Next, the chocolate would melt away. Finally, I would put my teeth to work. Oh my God.

I just woke up in the middle of my bedroom. Must have blacked out. Where was I? Ah, the mastication process. Most people dispense with a Peanut M&M in three seconds. Me, I need at least fifteen minutes. What's that? You want to learn how to properly eat a Peanut M&M? Pull up a chair.

Step one! Wait for the shell to soften. Once your saliva has broken the shell down, you'll need to savor the milk chocolate. Enjoy it.

Step two! Use your tongue and teeth to peel off whatever skin is on the peanut.

Step three! Split the peanut in half. Usually, you will find a dividing line right down the middle of the goober. Trace it with your tongue.

Step four! There is a hard thing in the corner of one of the halves. Keep that half! Eat the other one.

Step five! Carefully remove the hard thing. I like to think of this as "circumcising" the peanut. If this step conflicts with your religious beliefs, skip to step six.

Step six! Split the half in half.

Step seven! Split each half in half.

Step eight! Once you've dismantled your Peanut M&M and made it your bitch, you have the right to call yourself a man. Oh my God.

I just woke up in the middle of my bedroom. Must have blacked out. In summation, I love Peanut M&M's. They are tasty. Hey, everyone is a little OCD, right? There's nothing wrong with me, is there? Is there??? On a related note, Pretzel M&M's are disgusting.