Parts Unknown #38: Raw

The road to Wrestlemania is proving to be a curvy one. Lots of stuff to talk about.

PROS

~ This is both a pro and a con. The Undertaker's promo was solid, but apart from announcing a stipulation for his match with Triple H (no holds barred, motherfucker!), it wasn't that much different from his promo on Smackdown. At this point, I'd like to see The Game and The Phenom converse face to face. That said, I enjoyed hearing Taker verbally wallop his opponent. I find it funny that they're ignoring the previous encounter between these two capable veterans at Wrestlemania XVII. They might be able to convince a few unlettered rednecks that Mr. Levesque stands a chance, but the die-hards know better.

~ The Christian/Brodus Clay match was stiff, but I dug it for two reasons. A) It was good to see Edge's former brother back in action. B) I don't watch NXT (and honestly, why would anyone?), but I liked Clay from the first moment that I saw him. He has a great look and it's clear that he has loads of potential.

~ I felt bad for Eve Torres. She was working her ass off to make a Bella twin look talented. That's a daunting task, folks. A tip of my hat and a stroke of my penis to the Diva's champ. More on this match later.

~ Every year, it gets increasingly harder for the WWE to surprise its fanbase, and it's even harder to surprise smart marks, but I sure as hell did not expect to see JBL on Raw last night. To sweeten the pot, Stone Cold Steve Austin came out and sent this segment's entertainment value through the roof. Now that's great television.

~ CM Punk applying the anaconda vice to certified fuckstain R-Truth.

~ The ending. The Miz upstaged John Cena with ease.

CONS

~ I have completely lost interest in Randy Orton. I played a video game during his scenes, and I didn't feel like I missed anything important. I could hear everything, but I didn't really pay attention to what was happening. The guy is just boring. Next!

~ Was I seeing things or did Michael Cole grab a microphone in the middle of a championship match and bury an entire division in less than fifteen seconds? I don't care whose idea it was. If they're trying to piss all over a craft that was mastered by people like Bobby Heenan and Jim Ross, then they have fucking succeeded. I would elaborate, but if I do, this edition of Parts Unknown will never arrive at a conclusion.

~ Another match where a wrestler vows to retire if they lose? I'm sure that the United States Championship bout between Daniel Bryan and Sheamus will be stellar, but someone needs to put a moratorium on this particular stipulation. How derivative can you be?

~ Weren't Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero fired? I give up.

This episode was half-and-half. I'm going to start a petition imploring Vince McMahon to have Michael Cole drawn and quartered.