Deep Red

I can't do it. I've tried, but I just can't do it. I've seen quite a few Argento films now, and each time, I convince myself that I'm going to dig it. But I don't. I was told by a friend that Deep Red was going to be the one to win me over. It has a cool title, and I knew that it would have cool death sequences, but what about the script? The characters? There was nothing to sink my teeth into. Hell, I had to look up spoilers online just to get a grip on the convoluted plot. When it comes to Italian horror cinema, I'm sticking with Fulci and Bava from here on out.

This is a pure giallo. It's about a mysterious killer. That's all they had to write on the back of the DVD. "There's a mysterious killer with black gloves. Someone tries to figure out the identity of the killer. Stuff happens." I've noticed that giallo fans aren't bothered by the cliches of the genre. I am. Seriously, what's the difference between Deep Red and any other flick of this ilk? I don't see the appeal. Yes, it's directed fairly well (the drowning scene is beautifully composed), but I need more meat on the bone than what Argento offers.

The characters are forgettable and the pace is painstakingly sluggish. I could barely stay awake to catch the climax, which was admittedly rousing. So that's it. I'm done with Argento. I think you have to be a certain type of person to jive on this wavelength. That fucking doll was creepy, though.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #12: Raw

After last week's ambitious "old school" Raw, I was expecting this week's episode to be a drab affair. It was anything but drab. We got two title matches, which is rare nowadays. Let's see what happened...

PROS

~ I liked Wade Barrett's opening promo. His brutal self-importance is commanding. At one point, I thought that the crowd was going to start throwing shit into the ring. That, dear reader, is what you call heel presence.

~ The Sheamus/R-Truth match. It was actually longer than five minutes. The High Cross is a horrible finisher, though.

~ Seeing LayCool denied entrance into the arena was quite amusing.

~ Whenever Alex Riley is clobbered by someone, it's going to be listed as a pro. God, I hate that fucking guy. I'm genuinely shocked that he's still employed.

~ I have to hand it to John Cena. His farewell promo was heartfelt, and I chuckled when he instructed the male members of the audience to chant "CENA SUCKS!" The WWE is doing a terrific job tricking children into believing that Cena is really fired.

~ CM Punk on commentary? Yes, please.

~ The match between John Morrison and Tyson "no future as a singles competitor" Kidd was alright, in my book. Morrison is my pick to win the King of the Ring tournament. I'm thinking that he'll be elevated to main event status in the coming months, and it won't be soon enough.

~ The ending. Randy Orton sold his knee injury well and Barrett looked competent. To be honest, I don't know how I feel about The Miz being crowned as the new heavyweight champion, but it was a great idea to have him cash in his briefcase. The crowd reaction shots were priceless.

CONS

~ Not even Natalya can make Alicia Fox look like a professional wrestler. CM Punk made this match bearable.

~ What's with all of the Diva's chasing after their male counterparts? Isn't one love subplot enough? Jeepers.

Believe it or not, those are the only cons I can think of. This was an excellent Raw all around. Next week, the King of the Ring tournament kicks into overdrive with another 3-hour special. I dig.

Paul Bearer is tied up in my basement...

Just thought I'd post a few thoughts on Survivor Series. Overall, I thought it was one of the best PPV's of the year. It was heavy on wrestling and light on talking (for WWE anyway). In my opinion, the bout between Daniel Bryan and Ted DiBiase Jr. for the United States Championship was the match of the night. It wasn't the longest match (I don't think it was even the second longest), but it was seamless and it cast a favorable light on the fortunate son. DiBiase wasn't boring for once. As I said last week, his newfound aggression is a much-needed character tweak.

Surprisingly, the Kane/Edge match was the "bathroom break" portion of the show. It was achingly slow, and the crowd wasn't into it at all. And why was there a draw? Just give Edge the belt. Honestly, I skipped over most of the traditional 5-on-5 elimination tag match. Did anyone give a shit about it? I'm glad that Chris Masters was a part of it, but he didn't even outlast Tyler Reks.

One of my favorite bits was the handicap match between Natalya and LayCool. Why? Because Natty won! Not only that, but Beth fucking Pheonix came out after the match and kicked some ass. Yo, Vince! Beth versus Natalya at Wrestlemania. Make it happen. These two chicks can finally restore credibility to the Diva division.

I'll be back tomorrow with my Raw review. This week, you can expect to see a review of an Argento classic on the site plus the return of The Soda Jerk! Technically, this drink isn't a soda, but fuck it. It's close enough. Later!

Parts Unknown #11: Smackdown

This was a decent build-up show leading into Survivor Series. There were seven matches total. One or two of the matches were a little short, but I'll let the writers slide. The whole point of this episode was to establish momentum going into one of the biggest PPV's of the year, so the focus wasn't on wrestling and wrestling alone.

PROS

~ I'm not a fan of MVP, but one of the things that I love about Smackdown is the fact that you never know who will come out for the opening segment. With Raw, you know that it will be one of three people, but with this fine program, it can be anyone.

~ Edge's bits with Paul Bearer were pretty damn funny. I loved the scene where they "played" dodgeball. In addition, I like how this hostage situation is progressing.

~ The Jack Swagger/Chris Masters match. I was hoping that Masters would win, but at least he looked strong. When is he going to get a legitimate push?

~ Kaval's surprise upset victory over Dolph Ziggler. Ideally, this feud would be halfway developed before a PPV, but I'm just happy that Kaval broke his losing streak and is getting a shot at the Intercontinental Championship.

~ The bout between "Dashing" Cody Rhodes and Kofi Kingston. Match of the night, bar none. Usually, it aggravates me when there are a jillion near-falls, but here, it worked.

~ Kane cried? Yep, he cried. Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly), Glen pulled it off and it didn't feel corny.

CONS

~ The Diva's match. I'm fucking sick of LayCool. Every other tag team has been broken up, so why are these two still together? Individually, I can deal with Layla and Michelle McCool, but as a single unit, they make me want to peel my face off.

~ The Big Show/Tyler Reks match. It seemed awfully pointless. Anything to promote Knuckleball, I guess.

~ The main event was interrupted in favor of an impromptu battle royale. I was actually looking forward to the advertised main event (a showdown between Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio), so I was peeved when the plans were changed.

Survivor Series has the potential to kick all kinds of ass. Will it be worth watching? Hell if I know. If I get a chance to watch it online, I'll share my thoughts on Monday. I'm out!

Parts Unknown #10: Impact

I came close to skipping Impact after last week's abysmal episode, but I'm a merciful soul. I decided to give TNA a chance to redeem itself. This week's show was an improvement, although the bar is still much lower than it should be. Let's see what happened...

PROS

~ The mixed tag match wasn't bad. There have been too many mixed tag matches lately, but the boys saved this one, namely the Buck brothers and Jay Lethal.

~ Jeff Jarrett's MMA demonstration. Growing up, I was never a big fan of Double J, but he's having a blast with his current heel persona and I dug his performance last night. They handled Samoa Joe's run-in pretty well.

~ The Raven/Jeff Hardy match. Raven was able to execute a few nice moves in what was more than likely his last match in the major leagues (if you consider TNA to be a part of the major leagues). Knowing Dixie Carter, she'll probably sign him in two years for yet another "farewell run" along with the rest of the ECW gang.

~ The number one contender's match between Angelina Love and Mickie James. It was a good back-and-forth brawl. Angelina's bizarre encounter with Katie Lea (oops, I mean Winter) after the match was intriguing. What's with the homoerotic undertones? Where the fuck are they taking this character?

CONS

~ Another sappy Dreamer promo. Whatever.

~ The casket match between Abyss and Shannon Moore. Could this shit be any derivative? The match itself was slow and repetitive. I keep waiting for Kane or The Undertaker to come out and destroy Abyss.

~ I hated Brother Ray's promo. I hate this whole storyline. Ray's reason for turning against Devon doesn't even make sense.

~ I can't buy that Ric Flair would dominate Matt Morgan for any longer than two seconds. Jesus, Ric. Retire!

~ Another face turn? The crowd doesn't care about Douglas Williams whether he's a face or a heel.

Again, this episode wasn't as wretched as last week's disaster, but it wasn't that great either. I'm not amused.

Slithis

It's late, and I want to go to bed, but before I retire, I feel the need to jot down a couple of paragraphs about Slithis. Years ago, I would have spent hours writing a detailed review of a movie like this, but there are only so many ways you can describe a cheap b-movie. This one concerns a radioactive mud monster. It doesn't look quite as cool as the creature on the poster, but it's cool enough. According to the IMDb, the rubber suit was sewn onto an actor every day because there were no zippers. I'm not sure why they put so much effort into the construction of the addled humanoid. You can barely see the damn thing.

That may be my biggest gripe here. Slithis is so dark, that I couldn't tell if our mucky monster was killing his victims or if he was fisting them. One death sequence, in particular, is dandified in a red filter. Either that or the editor accidentally dropped the film in cough syrup. This is a talky picture. The boring characters have a lot of boring things to say. We spend way too much time with people who are picked off in the very next scene. Man, Slithis should have been my type of b-flick. It's just bad. It's not good. Can you tell that I'm exhausted? Yeah, Slithis isn't good.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Behemoth - EVANGELIA HERETIKA

Behemoth's frontman, Nergal, was diagnosed with leukemia several months back. The news came as a shock to the metal community. If you're familiar with Nergal's larger-than-life personality, then you know that he seems indestructible. The man is a fucking force of nature. Unsurprisingly, his bellicose attitude did not waver in the face of grave adversity. Could it be that the mouthpiece for Poland's most brutal, apocalyptic death metal band was, dare I say it, inspirational? I'd say so. NOTE: The search for a bone marrow donor ended just recently, as Nergal's doctors found a match. Hopefully, he makes a swift recovery.

This optimistic, overpowering frame of mind emanates from both discs in Evangelia Heretika, a 2-DVD set that sports live footage and telling documentaries that highlight the fierce, unflappable resolve of Behemoth. As a huge fan of this mighty band, I cherished every second of these DVD's. Disc One features two full concerts, a show in Warsaw and a show in Paris. The Warsaw show is the centerpiece of Evangelia Heretika. The sound is perfect, the production values are top-notch, and the setlist hits all of the right spots.

The Paris show is solid, but if you want fancy graphics, a zillion camera angles, and more music to enjoy, the Warsaw show is the way to go. My only complaint is that Nergal's in-between-song chatter isn't subtitled (he speaks English at the Paris show). The documentaries are subtitled, so I don't know why they couldn't translate the anti-Christian rhetoric that Nergal spews from the stage. Speaking of the documentaries, there are two to choose from. One chronicles the travails of life on the road, while the other is more of an all-purpose Behemoth doc. Think Behind the Music, only cooler. Both featurettes are insightful and highly entertaining.

An audio CD of the Warsaw show is also included. If you're not a Behemoth fan, then Evangelia Heretika is just your average metal DVD. If you're like me, then it's a badass addition to the band's catalogue. This will tide me over until Nergal conquers his illness and returns to kick ass alongside Seth, Orion and Inferno. Christians to the lions!

Parts Unknown #9: Raw

Wowzers! That was the best episode of Raw that I've seen since I rediscovered my love for wrestling earlier this year. This wasn't just any Raw, though. It was a 3-hour "old school' special. Vince didn't half-ass this one. I felt like I was watching an episode of WWF Superstars circa 1991. Let's dig into it...

PROS

~ They nailed the set. The metal barricades, the raised platform that "Mean" Gene Okerlund conducted interviews from, the cheesy backdrops in the backstage segments...everything looked fantastic.

~ Remember when a wrestler would deliver a promo in a box in the upper left-hand corner of the screen during a match? They brought that shit back! Yes, I marked out.

~ The Dolph Ziggler/Mark Henry match was better than I thought it would be. Henry's "sexual chocolate" gimmick that he ran with in the Attitude Era was exhumed for this oh-so-special occasion. Brilliant.

~ Harvey fucking Wippleman!

~ The Brooklyn Brawler made Ezekiel Jackson look good. That's why he's regarded as one of the best "enhancement talents" of all time.

~ The skit featuring Santino, Vladimir Koslov, Slick, The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff. I laughed my ass off when they cut The Sheik's mic. I'm surprised that they even invited him, what with him being a total headcase.

~ The tag match between The Uso's (with Jimmy "Supafly" Snuka!) and Santino/Koslov. I'm glad that they're letting Santino work more and more offense into his matches.

~ A match was added to Survivor Series between Sheamus and John Morrison. Wise idea.

~ I loved it when George "The Animal" Steele came out of nowhere and chomped on the turnbuckle. It was completely random.

~ The segment featuring (allow me to take a deep breath here) "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Aksana, Kelly Kelly, Dusty Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Jr., Ted Dibiase Sr., I.R.S., Tatanka (!?), Goldust, "Dashing" Cody Rhodes and Ron Simmons was hysterical. It seems that DiBiase Jr. will be undergoing a character overhaul. I like his new look.

~ The Alberto Del Rio/Sgt. Slaughter match. Man, Slaughter got a huge pop. I enjoyed the cameos by Tito Santana and Chavo Classic.

~ The Mae Young bit was priceless. I never want to see her in her ring attire again, though.

~ It was great listening to J.R.'s play-by-play commentary during the Daniel Bryan/Jack Swagger match. I wanted to shoot Michael Cole in the face. I realize that he's a heel, but I don't understand why the play-by-play guy needs to be a heel. He should stick to covering the action. On the upside, his irritating badinage gave Jerry Lawler ammunition for a few memorable one-liners.

~ Piper's Pit is back! Roddy's promo was amazing. He schooled the entire roster in three minutes. That's how it's done, boys.

~ I relished all of the "old school" logos and the retooled title sequence.

~ "Promotional consideration paid for by the following."

CONS

~ So The Hart Dynasty is finally broken up. I'm still not crazy about this angle. And where was Natalya?

~ Wade Barrett botched a couple of key spots in his match with R-Truth. His backbreaker, in particular, looked brutal for all the wrong reasons. This was his worst outing that I've seen in the WWE.

Overall, this episode of Raw was a fucking blast. I hope that the ratings are high. If not, we may never see a show like this ever again.

Pi

I realize that this is geek sacrilege, but I'm only a casual fan of Darren Aronofsky. Requiem For a Dream didn't blow me away like it did every other fringe cinephile. I happened to love The Wrestler, however, so I do see some of the things that Aronofsky's most vocal admirers see. With regards to Pi, I'm on the fence. I actually think that it would have been more effective if it wasn't so inaccessible. I've never been much for mindfucks. I don't need everything spelled out for me, but as a viewer, I disengage when I feel like the film is just trying to confuse me.

Sean Gullette is fantastic as Max, a man obsessed with numbers. He keeps tabs on the stock market in the hopes of finding patterns in the ceaseless fluctuation of the economy. After a chance meeting with a Rabbi, he is convinced that there exists a number, a formula that underlies life itself. All of the characters are interesting and well-written. None of them come off as thin or trite, even the ones that only show up in two or three scenes. I took a liking to Sol, a former professor that Max once studied under. Mark Margolis's performance is methodically paternal.

The stark black-and-white cinematography stabs at your eyes and the hyperactive editing that Aronofsky is so fond of shuffles your brain cells. Visually, Pi is flawless. By the time it was over, I was paranoid. Unfortunately, the third act lost me. I was frazzled by the bizarre complexities of the script and spent too much time trying to figure them out instead of relating to the themes or the characters. Maybe that's my fault. I didn't feel like I got what I was supposed to get out of the experience. I didn't have much fun either.

In summation, I appreciate Pi for what it is, but I didn't enjoy it as much as other genre loons did. I can't imagine myself ever watching it again. I wonder if my violent hatred for mathematics is factoring into my ambivalence. Either way, someone tell Rachel Weisz that I'm available and give her my number.

Parts Unknown #8: Smackdown

No time for chit-chat. Let's get right into it...

PROS

~ Strong opening that solidifies Edge as the top face on Smackdown. I hate to disrupt the chronological order of this review, but I want to jump ahead and commend the "kidnapping" of Paul Bearer. It was a cool way to shake things up. The championship bout between Edge and Kane is shaping up to be the highlight of Survivor Series.

~ The Alberto Del Rio/Kofi Kingston match. Hey, TNA! This is what an opening match looks like. And I didn't even have to sit through 45 minutes of mewling promos to see it!

~ The Natalya/Layla match. These two lovely ladies were actually given a decent amount of time. I've said it before; I'll say it again. If Natalya doesn't win the Diva belt, I'll be positively incensed.

~ The lumberjack match between Edge and David Otunga. Edge had to carry this match for it to work, but at least it worked. Loved the ending. Again, I'm really digging the way that Edge's feud with Kane is playing out.

~ The main event. I already touched on the ending, but it's worth repeating. Crafty storytelling.

~ Finlay sighting!

CONS

~ The MVP/Dolph Ziggler match was entertaining, but I was hoping that either Vickie or Kaitlyn would pop up. Is the love triangle officially dead? In my opinion, Kaitlyn should be Dolph's new valet.

~ Why was Goldust one of the lumberjacks? Has he been traded from Raw to Smackdown? An explanation would have been nice.

As you can see, I enjoyed this week's episode of Smackdown. There were only five matches, but I'd rather have five quality matches than seven or eight throwaways. I'll be back tomorrow with a movie review.

Parts Unknown #7: Impact

Ugh...

PROS

~ Not applicable.

CONS

~ Dear God, this was a terrible episode. First of all, the 20-minute opening segment was laughable. There were four or five instances where someone's music would start playing and that person would walk out and deliver a promo. Keep in mind, that was after 10 minutes of bullshit inside of the ring.

~ Jeff Hardy's "custom" belt. Are you fucking serious? It looks like something The Joker would have cobbled together in the 1989 Batman.

~ The mixed tag match. It wasn't a match. Basically, all of the matches were boring. I was disgusted.

~ The Team 3D swerve was so pointless and predictable. Does Vince Russo have a "swerve quota" to meet? Unbelievable.

Fuck it. I'm done with this week's Impact. If next week's episode doesn't show any improvement, I'm going to drop TNA from this column. Maybe I can start reviewing MTV2's lucha libre promotion.

Geek Out #3

I remember my mom putting one of these in my lunch box in 3rd Grade. Christ, it was delicious.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #6: Raw

This week's episode of Monday Night Raw left a bland taste in my mouth. I don't feel strongly about it one way or the other. I didn't love it and I didn't hate it. That said, I do have a few opinions on what went down last night.

PROS

~ The opening segment was too long, but it was well-acted. I have finally warmed up to Wade Barrett. He's one of the best heels in the WWE, and while Cena's reluctant tenure in The Nexus bored me at first, I'm starting to appreciate it.

~ The Uso's picked up a win! These second-generation high-flyers should be the next tag champs. Aside from The Dudebusters (the most underutilized tag team in professional wrestling), The Uso's are my favorite pairing in the WWE. Drop Tamina (she can be Santino's valet) and place the belts on the waists of these sly Samoans.

~ It looks like David Otunga is on his way out of The Nexus. Good. He's terrible on the mic. I don't see myself ever liking this guy.

~ The Goldust/Ted DiBiase Jr. match. It's reassuring to see Goldust dominate one last feud. His botched wedding with Aksana on NXT and all of her craziness is an amusing angle to have on the side.

~ I enjoyed the Cena/Otunga match, although I'm probably the only one. At least Cena is expanding his moveset.

~ The main event. Lots of action.

~ Again, I'm probably the only one, but I thought that Santino's tea party was hilarious. I can't believe that Koslov earned his very own chant. Is this program wasting everything that Sheamus brings to the table as a performer? Yes, but I'm hoping that we'll get a sick match out of it between the human jar of mayonnaise and John Morrison at Survivor Series. Make it happen, Vince!

CONS

~ Speaking of Vince, where the hell was he? Now that he's out of his coma, I want him back on Raw laying down the law!

~ The Diva's match...was a Diva's match. Alicia Fox needs to be canned.

~ If you're going to break up The Hart Dynasty, then do it already. They've been dancing around it for a month now. Shit's old.

~ No surprises, no twists, hardly any storyline advancement...I expected more this close to Survivor Series.

I listed more pros than cons, but overall, this was a dull episode. Still, I was entertained for two hours. Next week's Raw will be a 3-hour "old school" special. I can't wait!

Random Thoughts

1) Watch AMC's The Walking Dead every Sunday night. I presume that most of you are already watching this show, but if you're not, you're missing out on the best pure horror show that basic cable has seen since...well, I can't think of many other pure horror shows before this one. You could say The X-Files, but that was geared towards the sci-fi crowd.

2) This will be an exciting month for Random Reviews. Expect to see a new edition of The Soda Jerk and the debut of a column that focuses on snack food. I'm not quite sure what to call it, so let me know if you have any ideas.

3) I haven't been able to buy a lot of CD's lately, but I hope to post a few metal reviews by the end of the month.

4) I still feel like shit, but I'm feeling a little bit better than I did over the weekend. I'll be back tomorrow with my review of tonight's Monday Night Raw.

5) Click HERE to check out a band called Tribulation. They're a "horror thrash" outfit based in Sweden. Good stuff.

Parts Unknown #5: Smackdown

This edition of Parts Unknown will be short and simple, as I feel like shit. I think I'm coming down with the flu.

PROS

~ The Edge/Alberto Del Rio match was quality stuff. I would expect nothing less from these two performers.

~ Dolph Ziggler's beatdown on JTG. I like the fact that Dolph toyed with him and prolonged the match when he could have ended it sooner. Now THAT is how a heel works a match.

~ The three-way dance for a shot at Ziggler's Intercontinental Championship. I'm surprised that MVP won.

~ The 20-minute main event. This is why I love Smackdown. The main events actually feel like main events.

CONS

~ The Vickie/Kaitlyn match. Seriously?

~ David Otunga should never be given that much time on the mic. Needless to say, I'm not a fan.

~ Why are they pushing Tyler Reks over Chris Masters? Their Superstars rematch was decent, but Masters should have picked up the victory.

All in all, Smackdown was rock solid. The Vickie/Kaitlyn anti-match nearly crippled the first hour, but the second hour picked up steam. Oh, and I detest Theraflu. That's the last fucking time I force that swill down my throat.

Parts Unknown #4: Impact

This week's Impact sucked. I guess I should be a little more verbose.

PROS

~ The mixed tag team match. I'm a big fan of all six people (especially Tara and Shannon Moore), and they did not disappoint. I like the way the girls were utilized. This was easily the match of the night.

~ I did like the ending. Matt Morgan has been penciled into the main event at Turning Point, and even though he probably won't win, I'm glad that he's in the title picture.

CONS

~ The Sarita/Velvet Sky match. Velvet is sexier than a human being has any right to be, but here, she was exposed as a sloppy wrestler. She was so stiff and telegraphed. Wrestling shouldn't look as fake as this match did. She needs Angelina Love at her side to make her look halfway competent.

~ The three-way match for the TV Championship. It was too short. Plain and simple.

~ The one-minute main event. You heard me. The main event lasted ONE MINUTE before Abyss grabbed an audience member. By the way, this whole deal with Abyss going after the fans is fucking ridiculous. Again, wrestling shouldn't look fake. It's too obvious that the audience members are plants. Any moron could figure that out. Does TNA expect viewers to believe that Abyss would wail on three or four schmucks in the audience without paying any consequences? Good Good.

~ Didn't Jeff Jarrett cut the exact same promo last week? Gee, I wonder if he's going to apologize to Samoa Joe. Give me a break.

~ Does every faction need to have internal strife? The Kazarian/Douglas Williams match wasn't bad, but it shouldn't have been booked in the first place. The dissension in EV2 is nauseating enough.

I'm done. Smackdown is coming on soon. In my Raw review, I said that it was the worst wrestling show on television, but after watching this week's Impact, I'm not so sure anymore. It truly sucked.

See No Evil

Ever since The Undertaker's brother, Kane, was introduced to the WWE, I've been a fan of the big lug. I'm not just a fan of Kane; I'm a fan of Glen Jacobs, the man who has played Kane for thirteen years now. I gained more respect for him when I found out that he was a soft-spoken Libertarian. Not because of his political beliefs, but because I realized how good of an actor he was when I saw him out of character. He's no monster outside of the ring. So I wanted to check out See No Evil, a slasher that I managed to sidestep. It's pretty good/bad.

The plot concerns Jacob Goodnight, a maniac who stalks troubled youths in a dilapidated hotel. That's the plot we're given. This is a matter-of-fact genre cheapie. There are barely any subplots, and the film wastes no time getting straight to the action. Stylistically, See No Evil is formidable. Director Gregory Dark is up to the challenge, infusing the imagery with quick cuts and transversal camera angles. Everything has a "music video" look to it. This is forgivable, seeing as how Dark has helmed music videos in the past. And porn.

The polished visuals are countered by pitiful acting. I hated the cast, I hated the characters, and I hated the dialogue. Basically, I hated every person in front of the camera aside from Mr. Jacobs (who is credited as Kane for some fucking reason). I hated what they did, I hated what they said, I hated...well, you get the point. God, I enjoyed the death sequences. The gore is plentiful. After dispatching one of the many idiots at his disposal, our villain wrenches their eyeballs out with his bare hands. Gnarly.

I could see the twist ending coming from light years away, but in all honesty, it didn't sour the viewing experience. I actually dug See No Evil. It has a one-track mind like any featherweight slasher should, and as much as I reviled the "actors" in attendance, I would choose this flick over Hollywood's latest remake any day. Still, I can't give it any more than two-and-a-half Z'Dar's. My rating scale is relative, and I have a reputation to think about, y'know. Wait. No, I don't.

Geek Out #2

The reason why this is a Geek Out is because The Night Flier is one of my favorite films of all time. Apparently, the whole thing is on YouTube, but you're better off buying the DVD. Don't ask questions. Just buy it.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

Parts Unknown #3: Raw

Ah, Monday Night Raw. I recently bought The Best of Raw: Seasons 1 & 2, and I couldn't believe how much fun this show used to be. It's probably just nostalgia, but man, those early episodes were highly entertaining. Plus, the matches were usually grade-A material. Nowadays, we're lucky to get one good match on Raw. Every once in awhile, the creative team (which now includes Freddie Prinze Jr.) will surprise me, but for the most part, this is my least favorite wrestling show on television. Let's see what happened this week...

PROS

~ Pee-Wee Herman is our guest host for the evening! His skits weren't actually that funny, but I still enjoyed seeing him. Hopefully, WWE will put this "guest host" business to bed.

~ Lita's cameo. Wow. I sincerely hope that this leads to her resigning with the company. I hated the way that she was written out of the WWE universe, and let's face it, the Diva division could use her right now.

~ Okay, I'll admit it; Santino's shtick is humorous. "I will throw up...on your faaaace."

~ Ezekiel Jackson's squash match. Normally, I impugn short matches, but this one had a purpose to serve. Props to Zack Ryder for selling like a champ.

~ The Show/Miz match was decent. Internet fans rag on Show's in-ring capabilities, but I like him. For someone his size, he's a passable wrestler.

~ The Vinnie Mac segment. It was kind of ridiculous, but I'm interested in seeing where this goes. And Stephanie is still smoking hot.

CONS

~ The tag match. Why on Earth are they breaking up The Hart Dynasty? Isn't the tag division weak enough? Add that to the fact that The Gatecrashers have parted ways over on Smackdown, and you've got yourself one pathetic tag team division.

~ I'm tired of the Cena/Nexus stuff. I don't dislike it, but I don't give a fuck about it either.

~ Another "blah" Diva's match. If Natalya doesn't win the strap at Survivor Series, I'm going to rape someone.

And that's it. That's it? Huh, this episode wasn't so bad.

Oh, I almost forgot...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages

Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages is an interesting documentary from 1922. It broaches the subject of black magic and devil worship, chronicling the history of supposed witchcraft up to modern day (well, modern day as of 1922). It's less of an educational experience and more of a comment on the demagogic nature of superstition. Director Benjamin Christensen examines the behavioral traits of women in the 19th century that were accused of consorting with the devil and compares them with the traits of modern mental patients who are diagnosed with hysteria. The point of Haxan, it seems, was to quell any lingering beliefs in the supernatural. At the very least, the film aims to paint puritanical precepts as primitive. That's a lot of p's. I didn't mean for that to happen.

Haxan is broken up into seven chapters with the first twenty minutes or so consisting of subtitles and still photography. Eventually, this bubbling cauldron becomes a motion picture. The visuals are stirring, creepy even. Haxan was fairly hardcore for 1922. We get to see partial nudity, a severed finger, a dead baby, and a great deal of sacrilegious imagery. The atmosphere is palpable. Christensen himself plays Satan in several scenes. In my opinion, his unsettling appearances are the highlights of Haxan. The make-up is rather impressive, and the colored tints accent his demonic visage. I can definitely understand why people were freaked out by this flick when it was released.

If you're a fan of silent horror cinema, you'll want to pick up Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages. The Criterion DVD includes the 1967 version of the film, which features narration by William S. Burroughs. I haven't watched it yet (the '67 version, that is), but personally, I would recommend viewing the original version first. The score is worth checking out. Is there anything I didn't like about this mute chiller? Well, it takes awhile to get going, but once you're past the "slideshow" section of the film, it's smooth sailing.

Parts Unknown #2: Smackdown

Smackdown is the best wrestling show on television. The key word there is "wrestling." Each week, there are usually three matches that run at least ten minutes long. The main reason why I enjoy wrestling is because of the athleticism on display (well, that and the hokey nature of professional wrestling...it's no different from watching a b-movie). I get pissed off whenever I'm shortchanged in the wrestling department (I'm looking at you, Raw). So how does this week's episode stack up?

PROS

~ The opening segment featuring Kane, Paul Bearer, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and Alberto Del Rio. Good stuff. As the most recent Kane/Undertaker feud has proven, the show is highly entertaining whenever Glen Jacobs is near a microphone. I can't believe that he's just now in his prime.

~ The Daniel Bryan/Dolph Ziggler match. I'm loving this feud. Again, these two guys worked a stellar bout. The "suplex struggle" was superbly executed and succeeded in drumming up natural momentum for both competitors.

~ Vickie's cat suit. Damn! Tell Jerry Lawler to knock it off with the degrading fat jokes on Raw. The woman is in great shape.

~ The dissolution of The Dashing Ones. Cody and Drew should never have been a tag team to start with. Drew is destined for a great singles career, and while I'm not a fan of Cody's current gimmick (it's been done a million times), I have to admit that he's a solid wrestler.

~ The main event.

CONS

~ Another loss for Kaval? Why isn't he getting a push? And why the fucking fuck was he cut from Bragging Rights? I understand that they might be doing this to give him an underdog's appeal, but Jesus. Enough is enough.

~ No Chris Masters? No Dudebusters? Not cool, dude.

~ The Diva match. Obviously, they looked tasty, but this entire division is dreadful.

A solid Smackdown. Nothing more, nothing less.

Parts Unknown #1: Impact

Hey, look! A wrestling column! Each week, I'll be reviewing different wrestling shows. Nothing too in-depth (it is wrestling, after all). I'm just going to list the pros and cons of this week's episode of TNA's Impact. Since this is an introductory edition of Parts Unknown, I should tell you where I stand on TNA as a whole. 3-6 months ago, it rocked. However, ever since the ECW guys formed their own stable and the presence of the immortal ones (Hogan and Bischoff) permeated all of TNA programming, things have gone downhill. There are too many old fucks sopping up screen time and everything is beginning to taste like WCW. I still dig TNA, but at the moment, WWE has the superior product from a creative standpoint.

With that out of the way, let's break down this week's Impact...

PROS

~ The opening Knockout brawl was fantastic. This entire division is looking better and better each week. There aren't any Knockouts that I can say I dislike. Yes, Lacey Von Erich is a godawful wrestler, but I like her simple-minded character. The fact that she's insanely hot doesn't hurt either.

~ The 6-bitch tag match between Angelina/Velvet/Mickie and Madison/Tara/Sarita was fun and well-paced.

~ The tag team division. Holy shit. TNA continues to nurture the best tag division in pro-wrestling. If you don't think this is the best tag division in the world, you're fucking wrong. It's as simple as that. The 3-way championship bout between Generation Me, The Motor City Machine Guns, and Ink Inc was phenomenal. Crazy spots, dude. Team 3D coming out after the match was okay, but I sincerely hope that they lose at Turning Point.

~ The street match between Jay Lethal and Robbie E. I enjoyed the use of cheap weapons, although I'm not sure that Robbie E. is ready for a title shot. We've seen so little of him in the ring, that I still can't tell if he's a competent wrestler or not.

~ Velvet Sky's boobs.

CONS

~ RVD's "paranoia" angle is just stupid. It's not believable that he would suddenly question the motives of the EV2 gang.

~ A casket? A goddamn casket? Get your own gimmick match.

~ Jeff Jarrett in the main event? And he wins? Against Matt Morgan? Ridiculous booking. I'm fine with Matt turning face, but I could think of ten better ways to do it.

~ 30 minutes before the first match? That's a gargantuan no-no, in my book.

~ Why do I keep making statements in the form of questions? I blame Dixie Carter.

~ Eric, your heel character is generic. "I'm a bad person. I don't care about anyone else. I love heels and I hate faces. Have I mentioned that I'm a bad person?"

~ Reaction is still a pointless show.

That's all I got. Overall, it was just more mediocrity from TNA. This company needs more repair work than Hogan's back.

Non-Horror Film of the Week

I'm back...again!

After a long period of frustrating soul-searching and introspection, I've decided to dig up Random Reviews and give it one more shot. I've probably lost several readers after disappearing off of the face of the earth without any explanation, but I'm okay with that. I'll find new readers. I tend to go through what I refer to as "geek cycles." I'll burn out on movies and get sick of writing every six months or so. I've never actually enjoyed writing, but this past year, my dissatisfaction with the craft reached a fever pitch. I had no passion for this blog whatsoever.

So what can I do to ensure that this won't happen again anytime soon? Well, if I continue to blog, I need to do it differently. I need to be more selfish. I'm really good at being selfish, so this shouldn't be a problem. For one, I'm not going to review every single movie I watch or every single CD I buy. Also, I'm not going to read other blogs and try to comment on all of them on a regular basis. Sorry. It feels like a job, and I'm not a proponent of fishing for comments. Honestly, I don't read much anyway. Most bloggers will post comments in an effort to "network" or market their own blog (either that or it's their way of thanking that person for leaving a comment on their blog). If I ever comment on your blog, it's because I have genuine interest in the article and not because I feel obligated to. It's just exhausting, man.

Okay, I've rambled enough. Long story short, Random Reviews is back! I'll be expanding the scope of this blog to include topics other than movies and music. I'm excited to introduce these new columns. Later!

Chinese Robot Fuckers

What's with all of the nonsensical Asian gibberish that I've been receiving lately in the form of comments? Does anyone know how I can put a stop to it?

WARBEAST - KRUSH THE ENEMY

Warbeast are signed to Phil Anselmo's Housecore Records. They are a Texas thrash band featuring ex-members of Rigor Mortis and Gammacide. These guys are veterans of the underground scene, and it shows on Krush the Enemy, an intense agglomeration of tightly wound tunes that recall the flesh-stripping speed of Slayer and the monstrous groove of Pantera. This will sound audacious, but in my eyes, this record will be heralded as a classic in ten years. It's that good. Is it original? Not terribly, but when music is this satisfying, it doesn't need to be unique of experimental.

Are you a fan of Sadus? Demolition Hammer? What about Exhorder? If so, you'll have a field day with Krush the Enemy. There is nothing modern about it thanks, in part, to Phil Anselmo's organic production. You won't find any triggered drums or cut-and-paste leads here. I doubt very strongly that they even used a computer to track anything. Editing? What's that? The songs themselves teeter between "old school" sensibilities and "new school" sensibilities. Thick riffs are draped over a variety of tempos. Warbeast avoids that feeling of sameness you hear on most thrash albums. Every time that I've popped this disc in, I've listened to it straight through without skipping over the filler (because there is no filler).

In all honesty, this band sounds more like Slayer than anyone else. Imagine if Kerry King had an imagination and played decent solos. That's essentially Warbeast in a nutshell. If you're a true metalhead, buy this sucker pronto!

Geek Out #1

Have you ever seen something that is so cool, so awesome, so badass, so fucking gnarly, that you geek out to the extreme and you realize why you're single? And alone? And blogging? And running out of reasons to wake up in the morning? Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. This column will highlight things that transcend primitive adjectives like "cool" and "awesome." There isn't a word to describe these things. I have to warn you, though. As the name of this column suggests, viewing the video below may cause violent geek-outs. Make sure you are alone. Lock the door. Handcuff yourself to your chair just to be on the safe side. It's time to GEEK OUT! That's a sort of tagline I came up with. I guess it's not too bad. I don't know.

Never Sleep Again

If you're like me, you know almost everything there is to know about the Elm Street franchise. Freddy is my favorite villain of all time. He gave me countless nightmares as a child, and ever since I became a rabid horror junkie, I made it my mission in life to read as much as I could about the crispy one. Interviews, Fangoria articles, wikipedia entries...I absorbed enough knowledge to make an Elm Street documentary. Y'know, like this one. That's why Never Sleep Again felt a little pointless to me. Every serious horror fan knows most of this stuff. No, not all of it, but at least 75% of it.

In this instance, 75% accounts for three hours of material. On the upside, people can point to Never Sleep Again as being the definitive Elm Street documentary. It certainly uses all four hours to cram as much stuff into your head as possible. I'm not saying that it's poorly made. Hell, it's awesome. I just had a hard time staying plugged in after the halfway point. I did appreciate how they handled some of the goofier sequels like Freddy's Revenge and Freddy's Dead (both of which are underrated, in my opinion). Addressing the former's homoerotic overtones was a wise move, as the topic lightened up the proceedings. Man, Mark Patton looks like a completely different person, as does the "hall monitor" girl.

The tidbits of minutiae that I was not privy to were quite interesting. I love how the teenage cast members of Dream Warriors went to Robert Englund for advice on how to woo Patricia Arquette. I would have done the same thing. What you get out of Never Sleep Again will depend on whether or not you're a willing participant. Personally, I wasn't willing to sit through four hours of anecdotes that I was already familiar with, and technically, I didn't. I fell asleep towards the end. No rating because I don't feel objective about this one.

Random Reviews: Phase II

From the moment I created this blog to the time of my surgery, Random Reviews popped and crackled like strips of bacon resting on the surface of the sun. Since then, everything has died down. The recovery process has been unbearable at times. It now seems that the surgery itself was ineffective. It was a complete waste of time. Over the past few months, I feel like I've let down my readers. I am now faced with the challenge of building this blog back up. It will be a little different than it was before. I may even change the name to accommodate some of the new ideas I have. I won't be able to update it every single day. In retrospect, I'm not sure how I was able to update it so much before.

Anyway, my first new review since the surgery will be posted tomorrow. I said this on the last update, but it bears repeating...I've slacked off long enough!

An Announcement Announcement

A big announcement will be made soon. I have slacked off long enough. Stay tuned!